Day 41: Just as I am

My 500 Words

Today has me thinking a lot about motivation, ambition, friendships, and the ever present wonder if I will find my life’s purpose. No pressure…just find your passion, fix your relationships, examine the fulfillment of your daily life, and whether you actually like living in a cold mountain town (mostly cold). Just figure it out, OK?

I spent an hour talking on the phone to a friend last night, a great friend. She is a friend that I cherish and value more than most. Yet, I was exhausted by our conversation because I was exhausted. I don’t want to live out my social life over the phone, and this causes a conflict internally. I wanted to move to a new town to start fresh, but I haven’t yet. I haven’t created any new relationships, although I have strengthened some that faded due to distance previously. Now, though, I am finding the LDR with pals to be tiring. I don’t want to live my life through my computer or my phone. I want to be present…as in “in person”, here, there. You get it.

Does this make me a bad friend? Does it mean I just need a break? It might mean that I am just not being replenished by many of these relationships currently. Or, it might just mean that I am in transition. If I am transition, that is okay. I am okay with that. They might not be, but I am. I am ready for something new, and if that means shattering limiting beliefs that my friends and family share, that is okay. It also might just mean I need to pull away temporarily. Also OK. It is all OK.

I am in the process of paving a new path for myself, like many new paths I have paved in the past. This is just the current one. I have been here before, and it has always been OK, if not great. Sometimes, letting go of certain beliefs about yourself involves distancing yourself from people close to you. Distance can aid in the allowance of change and growth. It feels in so many ways that I am clearing all interests, wiping the slate clean. I don’t know what will come from it, but I am trying to trust the process. I am in the process of wiping the passion plate clean, and I am trusting the moment and the process until a new path makes itself clear.

I have, perhaps, wanted a passion and a career so bad that I have set my hopes too high and simultaneously encountered great resistance. I am working on and in the process of releasing this need and switching it to a want. I don’t need this to be happy. I am already happy. I don’t need this to be fulfilled. I am already fulfilled. I am worthy and capable and am so excited if it is coming. If it not coming, I am OK with this moment exactly as it is. I am happy and perhaps not sure if I need a change at all. I am happy in this moment. I have purpose, joy, fun, laughter, money, and abundance. I am happy exactly as I am in this moment.

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