A Wanna Be

Professional

I am a “wanna be”. There are pretty specific requirements for such a role.

  1. Not be much of much.
  2. Have had potential at one point of life to be more.
  3. Not follow through.
  4. Not know how to follow through.
  5. Dream about being someone or something else.
  6. Repeat.

This is the life of a wanna be, a loser, a me. I am pretty smart, pretty nice, pretty funny, but I am not good at anything. I am kind of a loser in a lot of ways. I feel like I am not crushing it at work. I feel hopelessly in the middle. I am Middle Michelle… not bad, not great, not sad, not happy. I am not passionately engaged or passionately disengaged.

Am I sedated? Am I lost? Or, am i painfully mediocre… just another regular ass person that thought they were going to change and save the world. I am just NOT a big deal, and I am really bummed at the prospect of coming to terms with this reality.

I thought I was going to be interesting and wild and weird forever. Most of those parts of me were aided by the intoxication of myself and those around me. I was never those things. I was always just me.

Is there a version of me that can still do something great? Is it possible to be the lame, loser, underachiever that is me…and still DO something great. Like, maybe I can’t BE great, but maybe I can DO great. Be is what I am. I can’t change that. I was always screwed in this regard. Perhaps, though, I can DO something new and interesting. Maybe I can be scared but still do something. Maybe it isn’t over even though I am increasingly SUREEEE that I am a lame, loser, freakazoid, boring, wannabe, idiot that stresses out a lot over dumb stuff.

Maybe I can still do something. Maybe I haven’t sung my last song after all. Maybe, this wannabe can fly.

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