writing process

A Wanna Be

Professional

I am a “wanna be”. There are pretty specific requirements for such a role.

  1. Not be much of much.
  2. Have had potential at one point of life to be more.
  3. Not follow through.
  4. Not know how to follow through.
  5. Dream about being someone or something else.
  6. Repeat.

This is the life of a wanna be, a loser, a me. I am pretty smart, pretty nice, pretty funny, but I am not good at anything. I am kind of a loser in a lot of ways. I feel like I am not crushing it at work. I feel hopelessly in the middle. I am Middle Michelle… not bad, not great, not sad, not happy. I am not passionately engaged or passionately disengaged.

Am I sedated? Am I lost? Or, am i painfully mediocre… just another regular ass person that thought they were going to change and save the world. I am just NOT a big deal, and I am really bummed at the prospect of coming to terms with this reality.

I thought I was going to be interesting and wild and weird forever. Most of those parts of me were aided by the intoxication of myself and those around me. I was never those things. I was always just me.

Is there a version of me that can still do something great? Is it possible to be the lame, loser, underachiever that is me…and still DO something great. Like, maybe I can’t BE great, but maybe I can DO great. Be is what I am. I can’t change that. I was always screwed in this regard. Perhaps, though, I can DO something new and interesting. Maybe I can be scared but still do something. Maybe it isn’t over even though I am increasingly SUREEEE that I am a lame, loser, freakazoid, boring, wannabe, idiot that stresses out a lot over dumb stuff.

Maybe I can still do something. Maybe I haven’t sung my last song after all. Maybe, this wannabe can fly.

Day 49: Pure Potentiality

My 500 Words

I am 1 day from reaching my goal of 50 consecutive days of blogging 500 words! Wow. Once I complete this, I am going to (I think) take a little break and reevaluate what I want to do with this goal and this blog. But, I think it has been really helpful for me to be forced to express something every single days. Some days, I don’t know if it was that meaningful. I am referring to the days when I forgot until 11 PM and wrote whatever gibberish I could until I reached 500 words. Other days though, I had a great window to explore concepts, feelings, and thoughts. I like to write, and it would be fun to put it into a bigger goal. I want to write a book. I always thought writing a book would be an impossible task, but I have learned through this blog that consistency can actually get you to a word count that equals a draft. And, a draft could lead to another draft…which might lead eventually to a finished story or product. This experience has taught me that little by little one travels far…and not just one…but me. Little by little, I travel far. And, I can continue to travel farther. The road is only just beginning for me. I want to continue to write, but I am not certain of the format. I had previously thought fiction wasn’t my style, but it might be. If I can write a story in nonfiction, I can certainly write a story of fiction. Fiction is just an anonymous way to express something that is probably happening in the real world anyway. You can do fun things with it, but the humanity and the expression of the human condition remains and is even magnified. So, I am exploring that concept. I want to try this out. So, I am not certain yet what my word count goal will be or even what my process will look like, but I am orbiting around a plan. If you don’t do the things you want to do, you will do them. If you don’t take that trip to Kenya, start an exercise routine, or learn how to cook, you will never do them! Do now! I might make my goal to write 5 days a week, rather than 7, since my weekend posts are often an afterthought. Also, I am not sure how I feel about posting a rough draft on the internet. Is that a thing? Do people post fiction stories on their blogs? I have no idea. I also suppose I don’t have to NOT do it simply because it is a strange thing to do. It is just such a sensitive thing to do. Perhaps, I can write 500 words a day in my private writing collection and post once a week with an update about how it is going…such as Sunday night? I am going to do some praying on this to come up with a schedule that works. Also…guess I better get started on an outline 👊

 

XOXO

Day 48: Let go & let go & let go (repeat)

My 500 Words

Yesterday I cried. I cried from what I assume was stress or a whole web of complicated feelings. My post from yesterday was not that well written or thought out…but it was full of feeling. I was bubbling over last night, but I couldn’t figure it out. I couldn’t express it. I have this frustration, this feeling…but I am not sure how to resolve it. I can’t resolve it. I can only let it go. I can only accept it exactly as it is. I can accept it as it is, and I can continue to love everyone and myself. I think that is my option.

As I wrote this, the person I was thinking of in regards to this struggle texted me. Synergy feels good, even the little stuff.

Another interesting thing happened to me recently as well. I had been feeling…wounded…for lack of a better term regarding a small situation involving a person very n/dear to me and my career path. I felt like I wasn’t completely supported or that my professional woes and goals were of less consequence. I didn’t know how to vocalize this feeling and decided to, instead, use it as fuel and perhaps an opportunity to better find out what I wanted in this life, without the input of anyone else. Then, I let this go. Just yesterday this person decided to vocalize a feeling/realization that had been dawning on them that they had not been as supportive as they could have been of me professionally. I acknowledged their feeling, and we moved on. BUT, I found this to be both shocking and delightful. I would have figured it out and made the best of it, but I was happy to know I have a greater ally than I believed. Faith restored, 2 fold.

I am going to continue to practice letting go. It seems to be working pretty well for me. I am blessed truly beyond measure. Everything I have let go…hasn’t felt like letting go or anything really. Maybe letting go feels like doing nothing. We can overthink the things we need to do to better our lives and to love and laugh more. Maybe this is one more thing. Perhaps letting go is the easiest thing we can do, except we do not like to do easy things. Humans like hard things. We like big problems and impossible situations that we can figure out and then show the world our smarts.

So I will practice thinking good thoughts and then doing absolutely nothing with my bad ones. Let’s see how this goes. Perhaps it can be a weird, grand experiment on how to best live my life. If letting go is one of the greatest things we can do as part of manifestation and alignment, let’s learn how to let the heck go.And, my favorite way to learn is try every wrong way first. So, I shall get started on the wrong way in my pursuit to learn the right one. 😀

 

Day 47: Control and Love

My 500 Words

Love and control…control and love. Two sides of the same coin? Or, are they just confused. Parents and children…children and parents. A confusing relationship that is so rich but is often fraught with frustration. Why is that? And, why do we try to control the lives of those we love the most. Is it fear? Is it like the mind? The mind is the watchful parent, and it can be so misguided and so gripped with fear that it can miss the point entirely. Maybe that is it.

I feel the struggle. I want my family to be healthy, to be thriving, and to take control of their lives. You can’t force someone to take control of their life. That would kind of defeat the purpose. If I force someone to take control of their life, they haven’t taken control at all. They will simply be doing it because they were forced. And, eventually, they will either resent me for telling them what to do or change their behavior anyway. It isn’t the path to positive. Why does it feel so damn tempting then? Why do I want to tell my loved ones to stop watching television or to take a walk instead of eating another cookie? I know me telling them isn’t going to change anything in 9/10 situations. Do I keep trying because of that 10% of possibility (made up statistic).

How can I work on letting go? I want to let go, but I am not there yet. I need to ask GOD for his help with this one because I am not letting it go on my own. I want to love my family whether they smoke crack in gutters with the scourge of society or are friends and colleagues of Bill and Melinda Gates. I want to love them unconditionally, and I don’t know if I am there yet. I want to be there, but I fall short. I will keep trying.

Today was a frustrating day for me. I had to acknowledge that I do fall short of unconditional acceptance, but perhaps not the love. I think I love. But, I do not always accept. I want to control some things and some people, to have a say over things I cannot have a say over. I want to resist the control of others that are struggling with the same needs. I am not there and have often fallen short, but I want to get better with this. I want to amaze people with my ability to be so secure in myself that they can be whoever they want. I do not want to amaze them for my ego or to build my name as better or holier than thou. I want to amaze them simply because I have gotten THAT comfortable being comfortable. Divine intervention, come at me bro.

Perhaps this is common, especially among families. I want everyone to love them as much as me, to see them as the funny and beautiful people that they are. But, by doubting them, I dim them. Rather, I should lift them up higher.

Day 46: Spring it!

My 500 Words

Today is the day we all set our clocks an hour ahead and feel a little extra sleepy. That means that the day that the earth, where I live, enters official spring season in just less than 2 weeks. How very exciting for us! Spring skiing is something I have been looking forward to since moving here, and I am excited for what that is like. I am excited for spring. Even though Colorado winters are beautiful, the very cold days are so very uncool. I feel trapped in my apartment when it gets to certain low temps. I will be ready for 50 degree days on a more frequent basis. Bring it, spring!

I bought two books yesterday by James Michener, one about Colorado and one about Hawaii. His books are apparently fictional tales that weave across generations, while telling the history of a location. It sounds pretty cool, and the books are meaty! Wooo. But, I own them. No one buys me books anymore, so I am excited about this. Nothing like having a mother in town to buy you random crap. 😀

Today, we are going to drive into Estes Park and into Rocky Mountain National Park.

….

I am going back into this post now at 10:00 PM. I have 300 words left to write, and everyone is looking at me like I am a crazy person! They want to know what I am doing. I am not sure why I am secretive about posting this. If I tell my mom. SHE WILL READ THIS. It would not be ideal. I am not hiding anything, but I don’t like to share too much. BUT, my mom and I had great fun. I am excited to get back to normal life, but I do love her oh so very much. She is my greatest friend, and I miss her already. We have been having fun, and I wish she lived down the street. How great would it be if we could all live exactly where we want and then pick and choose which of our friends or family moved close to us. What a dream that would be. I think we have all been dreaming of that our entire lives.

Alas, here I am desperately writing this in order to complete my 500 words for the day. It is unfortunate because these words won’t be any good, but they will be 500 in total. Almost there!

The mountains are beautiful, and Colorado is the best. I do love this state so very much. I don’t know about forever, but I do know about right this very moment. And, I am exactly where I should be…exactly where I want to be. That is a pretty cool thing. I am among some of the most beautiful landscape in the country, and I just want to be present. I am present.

Thank you God for these beautiful mountains and this majestic landscape that I have the privilege of calling home for however long I call it home. I am blessed beyond measure. Thank you. Thank you for spring! Bring it on, baby.

 

Day 45: A garden fit for gods, but no flowers!

My 500 Words

My mom is in town this weekend, so my writing today comes to you early in the morning before she wakes up. I am suffering from a stiff neck, which I am attributing to tension while driving up and down the state yesterday. We went to visit the Garden of the Gods near Colorado Springs. I had never been before and it was a perfectly accessible start to the trip for my mom, who was worried about too much walking. It was really nice and the weather was good.

The most fascinating part was thinking about how those rocks got there, having previously been underwater and also home to dinosaurs. They find fossils from dinosaurs there frequently (comparatively speaking). The now park and national landmark, was given its name by 2 European purveyors in the mid 1800s that realized the area and the rock formations provided a garden that was fit for Gods! So, there you have it. The part about finding fossils all of the time feels real, but that was an exaggeration. I don’t actually know if that is true. I believe they have found at least one 😂.

It made me think of Sedona, which has beautiful rocks formations that are red and magnificent to behold. I told my mom how much she would just LOVE Sedona. And, I vow to take her there for a weekend. It would be really great for her. It is a place built on the beauty of the Southwest and the energetic healing principles of both ancient and new age beliefs. Isn’t it interesting how much of what we call “new age” is just ancient beliefs recycled, rediscovered, or appropriated. T’ain’t nothing new in this world of ours!

My mom said her best energy, according to I guess the energy doctor, was in Colorado or Hawaii. And, she then became wistful about having never belonged in the place she was. But, she did belong. We all belong eventually, as we slightly mold and change to fit our place. Or maybe it is not that serious. Maybe, we are all just playing and the outcome doesn’t really matter. So if the outcome doesn’t really matter and everything is fun and games, what is it that you want for yourself?

Do you want to be an author? Yes. Do you want to be a comedian? Sure. Do you want to skydive all day? Ehhhh. Do you want to bake cookies? I will eat them. Do you want to watch T.V. ? No… Do you want to make people pretty? Not desperately, but I am happy if they are pretty. Do you want to learn how to dance? That would be fun. Do you want to spend it pleasing someone you don’t even like? No. Do you want to feel bad about yourself? No. Do you want to feel alive? YES. Do you want to worry? Ugh, No. Do you want to be joyful? Bloody abundant in joy, mate. Do you want to feel love and to give it? Everyday.  Are you ready to be more specific? Do I need to be?

Day 44: Vata Whata?

My 500 Words

I took an Ayurveda quiz on the internet recently and found the results to be true…maybe? Or, maybe those quizzes are BS? Or, maybe Ayurveda is BS…Hard to say, hard to know. So, don’t take my word for it. Anyway, it basically says I am Vata in my mind and mostly Vata in my body. I know so little about this, though, that I am not sure if I am writing it grammatically correct in a sentence or if it should be capitalized. So, I beg your forgiveness in that regard.

So, from what I understand, a Dosha is an energy, and everyone is composed of a Dosha or a combination of Doshas. There are 3: Vata Dosha, Pitta Dosha, and Kapha Dosha. Your type can be determined by many things including preferences. Vata types, for example, prefer warmer temperatures to colder temperatures.

This is what Mindbodygreen.com has to say on the Vata:

Vata Predominant Types: Creative; Quick to learn and grasp new knowledge, but also quick to forget, Slender; Tall and a fast-walker; Tendency toward cold hands and feet, discomfort in cold climates; Excitable, lively, fun personality; Changeable moods; Irregular daily routine; High energy in short bursts; Tendency to tire easily and to overexert; Full of joy and enthusiasm when in balance; Responds to stress with fear, worry, and anxiety, especially when out of balance; Tendency to act on impulse; Often have racing, disjointed thoughts; Generally have dry skin and dry hair and don’t perspire much.

So, some of these feel kind of random to me. But, I would say that this is a fairly accurate, albeit general, description of me. From there, they recommend that you should base your nutrition and such on the recommendations associated with this type. I don’t know. Maybe I should try that? I am a vegetarian and have been for 11 years. That seems to work pretty well for me. I am moderately healthy and try to keep slim and nutritious. I like to work out but am not fanatical. I suppose a lot of this is related to my Vata Dosha…maybe.

In any case….Vata or whatta….positive is the path. The path for me is positive. My path is positive. I’m positive about my path. I’m positively positive about my path. My mom and I had a chat in the car tonight about weightloss and feelings surrounding our bodies. We talked about how nothing positive comes from negative thoughts. Positivity breeds positive results. So, pertaining to all things in life, I am going to be positive, annoyingly positive.

70 more words! Why does it feel like 700 more! I am trying to find a way to talk with my mom about things while I finish this post. Today has been crazy. I am so tired. I will persist. Joy joy joy. Be positive. Never sacrifice your joy. My new problem is how to bring as much joy to my own life and the lives of those I love. That is my goal!

Day 43: A More Graceful Passion

My 500 Words

I am not feeling much inspiration to write today. I think when I get to the 50 day mark, I will change my schedule to 5 days/ week or perhaps just allow myself some time off. Maybe I need a goal with the writing. I enjoy it because it helps me think things through. I have always thought best through my fingers or a pen…it clarifies the chaos inside and puts it into a format that I can manage.

Spirituality has been a theme of my life lately, a mostly interesting and inspiring place to spend mental energy. But, I do find myself equally into the spirituality and skeptical of allowing it into my life. I am a spiritual person, and I want to be connected to both the earth and universal energy. However, I don’t want to go so deep that I can’t see the trees in the forest. I want to pray and meditate and practice presence, but I just want to be myself while I do that. Contemplating who I am and which voices are which in my head is EXHAUSTING! And, not all that important.

I think, for me, the most important thing is to know that I am part of the energy that is everyone and everything. I am part of the father, the son, and the holy spirit…the inner being, the source, and the mind. There are so many ways to describe the things we have always known in so many religions for so long. These spiritual beliefs can be beautiful, and they can also be corrupted. They can be radicalized, and they can be exploited.

My goal is to be a spiritual person in the most boring sense of the word. I just want to live, to experience the beautiful and magical world that we live in and to give thanks. My spiritual practice is to be grateful and to be present. I don’t want to overthink the magic. I want to accept it and trust in it, as I always have. But, mostly, I want to have fun and feel alive and safe. I want to have roots, wings, adventure, and safety. I want it all. I plan to live a life of delight and love and laughter. I want to experience the world in presence and joy and understanding. I want to show compassion and care, without sacrificing my joy or dreaming.

I am seeking a life of abundance, and I am finding it…But, I cannot think too deeply or too much anymore. It tires me. Instead, I am trusting, knowing, and living each day and each moment. Career-wise, I often feel like a square peg in a round hole and, at times, defensive about it. I am in changing my mindset to finding something that aligns with me, not with the world. I am finding my way into a passion that looks like Grace, a passion that looks like me, talks like me, and makes me feel more like me.

Day 42: Seeking Truth

My 500 Words

Today I was thinking about a conversation I had with a random date like 3 years ago. It was pretty clear that we weren’t going to be a thing, but we were friendly and enjoying each other’s company. We just weren’t a good match, and we knew it. But, we sat in a very swanky bar with great cocktails and jazz talking about ourselves and our past. It was freeing in the way that talking to strangers can be. I talked about myself and my passions and how I felt both lost and hopeful. He perked up and said, “you are on a quest, seeking something great for yourself!” I laughed, slightly embarrassed, and nodded. “Yeah. I guess I am. But, I might never get it and I know that. It might not exist. So, I am trying to try without being obsessed.” He laughed as though he understood. And, then the topic changed.

I believe that was the last we ever hung out, but I do still think of that conversation we had, hoping that it is true…that his vision of me as a noble seeker on a quest to find passion and purpose is real…that I may have something to bring to the world and to life. In reality, I think we all do. I like to think we all have something we can bring into this world…something that makes us and those around us better. At least, I would like to believe this. And, because I think it is mostly helpful and positive, I will likely continue to think this.

What does it mean to be a seeker? Does it mean that you are never satisfied? Does it mean that you are never arrived? Is it that every time you get to one trail’s end a new one that you didn’t even know existed stretches out before you? If this is true, it seems like perhaps we are all seekers, whether we want to be or not.

My boyfriend and I have been discussing the sad reality that money can’t actually buy happiness lately and how many of the people we looked up to were very unfulfilled and unhappy after achieving what they set out to do, their happiness plan. We lamented that happiness couldn’t be purchased, facetiously, and reminded ourselves that, cheese aside, it is really the journey and the enjoyment of the process that means everything, is everything. All we have is the present moment. Why is this so hard to remember?

We can get so caught up in seeking the next great thing or a gigantic vision of our lives that may or may not materialize, and we can so easily forget that all we have is now and the journey is more important than the destination. It almost angers me that I feel like a cheese curd when I reiterate these ideas because they are so important. It is truth, and as a seeker, that is what I am after. Why, then, is it so damn hard to accept?

Day 41: Just as I am

My 500 Words

Today has me thinking a lot about motivation, ambition, friendships, and the ever present wonder if I will find my life’s purpose. No pressure…just find your passion, fix your relationships, examine the fulfillment of your daily life, and whether you actually like living in a cold mountain town (mostly cold). Just figure it out, OK?

I spent an hour talking on the phone to a friend last night, a great friend. She is a friend that I cherish and value more than most. Yet, I was exhausted by our conversation because I was exhausted. I don’t want to live out my social life over the phone, and this causes a conflict internally. I wanted to move to a new town to start fresh, but I haven’t yet. I haven’t created any new relationships, although I have strengthened some that faded due to distance previously. Now, though, I am finding the LDR with pals to be tiring. I don’t want to live my life through my computer or my phone. I want to be present…as in “in person”, here, there. You get it.

Does this make me a bad friend? Does it mean I just need a break? It might mean that I am just not being replenished by many of these relationships currently. Or, it might just mean that I am in transition. If I am transition, that is okay. I am okay with that. They might not be, but I am. I am ready for something new, and if that means shattering limiting beliefs that my friends and family share, that is okay. It also might just mean I need to pull away temporarily. Also OK. It is all OK.

I am in the process of paving a new path for myself, like many new paths I have paved in the past. This is just the current one. I have been here before, and it has always been OK, if not great. Sometimes, letting go of certain beliefs about yourself involves distancing yourself from people close to you. Distance can aid in the allowance of change and growth. It feels in so many ways that I am clearing all interests, wiping the slate clean. I don’t know what will come from it, but I am trying to trust the process. I am in the process of wiping the passion plate clean, and I am trusting the moment and the process until a new path makes itself clear.

I have, perhaps, wanted a passion and a career so bad that I have set my hopes too high and simultaneously encountered great resistance. I am working on and in the process of releasing this need and switching it to a want. I don’t need this to be happy. I am already happy. I don’t need this to be fulfilled. I am already fulfilled. I am worthy and capable and am so excited if it is coming. If it not coming, I am OK with this moment exactly as it is. I am happy and perhaps not sure if I need a change at all. I am happy in this moment. I have purpose, joy, fun, laughter, money, and abundance. I am happy exactly as I am in this moment.