Day 48: Let go & let go & let go (repeat)

My 500 Words

Yesterday I cried. I cried from what I assume was stress or a whole web of complicated feelings. My post from yesterday was not that well written or thought out…but it was full of feeling. I was bubbling over last night, but I couldn’t figure it out. I couldn’t express it. I have this frustration, this feeling…but I am not sure how to resolve it. I can’t resolve it. I can only let it go. I can only accept it exactly as it is. I can accept it as it is, and I can continue to love everyone and myself. I think that is my option.

As I wrote this, the person I was thinking of in regards to this struggle texted me. Synergy feels good, even the little stuff.

Another interesting thing happened to me recently as well. I had been feeling…wounded…for lack of a better term regarding a small situation involving a person very n/dear to me and my career path. I felt like I wasn’t completely supported or that my professional woes and goals were of less consequence. I didn’t know how to vocalize this feeling and decided to, instead, use it as fuel and perhaps an opportunity to better find out what I wanted in this life, without the input of anyone else. Then, I let this go. Just yesterday this person decided to vocalize a feeling/realization that had been dawning on them that they had not been as supportive as they could have been of me professionally. I acknowledged their feeling, and we moved on. BUT, I found this to be both shocking and delightful. I would have figured it out and made the best of it, but I was happy to know I have a greater ally than I believed. Faith restored, 2 fold.

I am going to continue to practice letting go. It seems to be working pretty well for me. I am blessed truly beyond measure. Everything I have let go…hasn’t felt like letting go or anything really. Maybe letting go feels like doing nothing. We can overthink the things we need to do to better our lives and to love and laugh more. Maybe this is one more thing. Perhaps letting go is the easiest thing we can do, except we do not like to do easy things. Humans like hard things. We like big problems and impossible situations that we can figure out and then show the world our smarts.

So I will practice thinking good thoughts and then doing absolutely nothing with my bad ones. Let’s see how this goes. Perhaps it can be a weird, grand experiment on how to best live my life. If letting go is one of the greatest things we can do as part of manifestation and alignment, let’s learn how to let the heck go.And, my favorite way to learn is try every wrong way first. So, I shall get started on the wrong way in my pursuit to learn the right one. 😀

 

Day 47: Control and Love

My 500 Words

Love and control…control and love. Two sides of the same coin? Or, are they just confused. Parents and children…children and parents. A confusing relationship that is so rich but is often fraught with frustration. Why is that? And, why do we try to control the lives of those we love the most. Is it fear? Is it like the mind? The mind is the watchful parent, and it can be so misguided and so gripped with fear that it can miss the point entirely. Maybe that is it.

I feel the struggle. I want my family to be healthy, to be thriving, and to take control of their lives. You can’t force someone to take control of their life. That would kind of defeat the purpose. If I force someone to take control of their life, they haven’t taken control at all. They will simply be doing it because they were forced. And, eventually, they will either resent me for telling them what to do or change their behavior anyway. It isn’t the path to positive. Why does it feel so damn tempting then? Why do I want to tell my loved ones to stop watching television or to take a walk instead of eating another cookie? I know me telling them isn’t going to change anything in 9/10 situations. Do I keep trying because of that 10% of possibility (made up statistic).

How can I work on letting go? I want to let go, but I am not there yet. I need to ask GOD for his help with this one because I am not letting it go on my own. I want to love my family whether they smoke crack in gutters with the scourge of society or are friends and colleagues of Bill and Melinda Gates. I want to love them unconditionally, and I don’t know if I am there yet. I want to be there, but I fall short. I will keep trying.

Today was a frustrating day for me. I had to acknowledge that I do fall short of unconditional acceptance, but perhaps not the love. I think I love. But, I do not always accept. I want to control some things and some people, to have a say over things I cannot have a say over. I want to resist the control of others that are struggling with the same needs. I am not there and have often fallen short, but I want to get better with this. I want to amaze people with my ability to be so secure in myself that they can be whoever they want. I do not want to amaze them for my ego or to build my name as better or holier than thou. I want to amaze them simply because I have gotten THAT comfortable being comfortable. Divine intervention, come at me bro.

Perhaps this is common, especially among families. I want everyone to love them as much as me, to see them as the funny and beautiful people that they are. But, by doubting them, I dim them. Rather, I should lift them up higher.

Day 38: Supersonic Man

My 500 Words

It is day 38! And, it 10:00 PM and I almost forgot to post today. What a tragedy that would have been. Luckily, I remembered with enough gas in the tank to post today.

My day was emotional and brilliant, ending with a very exhausted me. My man-friend and I awoke at approximately 5am and drove through crazy busy traffic to go skiing in the beautiful Rocky Mountains. Two hours into our drive, we had a bit of a row, despite listening to an audio book about transcending the issues of the mind and ego. Maybe it needs some time to set in? Either way, sleepiness and an understandable hatred of a traffic and poor driving conditions made for a stressful and long drive. But, once we were set and ready to get skiing, the problems of the morning quickly faded away.

We had a great day out on the slopes. As a beginner, I was pretty nervous to get started after a long break the past few months. Getting out there again was exhilarating. What I was doing was basic, but it felt good! I thought a lot about mindfulness today and enjoyed the opportunity to practice being fully in the moment…or to not practice and it just happen out of necessity. It does leave you feeling happier and more alive.

By the time we made it home, we were absolutely knackered. We slept, ran some errands, watched “Bohemian Rhapsody”, and now we are watching GBBS while I write this damn thing! Ah very hard to fit this task into a full day. It won’t be a good post or a post about anything other than the fact that I have to write this post. But I am doing it! And, I am well over half-way. Crushing it.

I noticed during my day skiing that I often talk to myself when alone and skiing…especially during difficult parts. I tell myself that I am “crushing it” or that I should “enjoy it” or that I am “brilliant.” Hilarious but helpful. I am just out there cheering myself on. How lovely. Much preferred to seeking perfection or acceptance from others. I am accepting myself as I am, where I am…and it is frick’n awesome. Good work, mate.

I have realized today that I can work better to accept my life as purposeful and passionate. People in my life might feel like they need to placate me with fun or activity in order to satisfy my lust for new experiences or time-fillers in the worst case. Perhaps I can be high maintenance to others, and I can take greater responsibility for my own happiness in this regard. Only I am responsible for my joy and how I find purpose in this life. I think that I can make this more obvious to those around me and even take greater hold of this aspect of my life.

I seek to live in a world where I have a purposeful daily life, brimming with joy, laughter, and activity. In truth, I already have this and can accept it as mine right now and every day. How lucky!

Day 31: How to know what you want

My 500 Words

This morning, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I ate a lot of crackers and snacks very late at night, felt dehydrated before sleeping, and woke up earlier than I would have preferred. I have felt kind of crabby ever since. Now, I have an offer to do something that I have been wanting to do for a while, and it just doesn’t feel like today is the right day. But, I don’t feel THAT confident. The part of me that doesn’t want to miss out, the FOMO part of me, is worried. Am I missing out on a cool experience? Will it make me happier? Should I spend time with people?

The reality is that I am tired and don’t feel like hanging out with anyone. In another sense, though, I do want to do something. So what do I do with myself? How do I know which voice I should listen to? Which voice is the right voice? Is there a right voice? I don’t know. Maybe some of the spiritual experts out there can lend me a helping hand.

Eckhart Tolle would say that it doesn’t matter what the decision is but how I decide it, whether I make the decision in a state of presence. I struggle with this because I want to believe that how I live my life each day does matter. And, maybe it still does in this line of thinking…just in a different way than I normally approach life. So today, I am restless.

I asked my boyfriend to help me with this and help me to re-frame the present moment. He suggested that I accepted that today is a lazy day and allow good things to flow from that. He suggested that we say this is a lazy day, not good or bad, but a reality. I should allow a myriad of events to flow from this moment. I am fighting against the moment and against reality. I need to accept the present moment as reality. I chose not to go and that wasn’t a good or bad thing. It was just a decision that made sense in the moment. The feeling of loss is created in the mind and is not a truth. The mind perceives a loss, but there is a chance that going would have exhausted me or been socially difficult. In any case, in the present moment, I made a decision based on the present moment, which was my only option. I made the best decision for me in that moment.

Now, we go onward. Tonight, we are going to make pizza or some other food and invite my friend over for dinner. Tomorrow, we are going to wake up early and take the dog we are watching on a big walk in the mountains. Then, we are going to make snacks and have folks over for the Oscars. I think it sounds like a nice plan and it feels good.

The goal for the rest of the day is to stay present. Bless up, folks and see you soon as I am extending this goal for a total of 50 days of #My500Words. Wooo! That’s a wrap day 31 and part 1 of my goal!

Day 30: Magnets Don’t Work Like That

My 500 Words

Yesterday I posted about manifestation and detailed a professional shift I wanted to make. I feel like I made a mistake in my approach, though. I basically asked universal forces to tell me what I should do or what I was supposed to do. However, more and more, I don’t think that we are SUPPOSED to do anything. I think we can choose what we want to do and life, and we can work towards it and try to attract it by matching the energy of that thing. I think.

I think (just my current unformed opinion) that we can decide what it is that we want and vibrate towards that thing and that thing towards us. I think that we can, at any time, change our minds as well. I don’t know that a belief in the existence of a grand plan serves me. I don’t want to be the victim of some predetermined destiny. I want to be the architect and creator of my life.

I was once in a bad relationship in which all of the stars aligned in such a way to present us as “meant to be.” In the end, it was a damaging relationship and not one that I would choose to be in. I felt trapped by the synchronicity that surrounded us. It was a strange feeling. When I broke free, it was amazing. I felt like a weight had been lifted and life was full of possibility when we broke up. I felt like I was in a soul prison, and I felt so sad that that universe seemed to want me to be with him.

I am not sure if that experience was just a necessary part of my journey or if I attracted it, but it made me skeptical of taking synchronicity. And maybe, that is a really good thing. I am in a great relationship now, one in which I feel supported and happy for the better part of my days. And, we are best friends. Even with that knowledge of the mind and experience coupled with the synchronicity that exists in our relationship, I keep an open mindset, with a tinge of caution and an understanding that I will be okay regardless of what transpires in our relationship.

Perhaps this is some energetic, spiritual lesson. Or, perhaps this is just life and maturity. In any case, follow your arrow where ever it points (Kasey Musgraves lyric shout out). And, if it doesn’t feel good anymore, stop doing it. Don’t give up at the first sight of hardships, of course. When I say “feel good”, I am talking about the soul stuff, not the momentary pains of being a person doing a thing. The universe may seem to tell you a thing, try it. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, don’t feel beholden to anything other than the experience of your soul telling you yes or no. There is no glory in fighting this voice. It brings pain, even if you don’t understand it. The unfortunate side is that the mind can also bring great pain, but it is pain we can generally look at as a thing that doesn’t have to happen. Soul pain is not a thought; it is just feeling. Feel your soul into light spaces, and I think it will make things better. But, what do I know? I just know me and my experience thus far. That is all. Happy Friday.

 

Day 28: Blue Duck Manifestation

My 500 Words

Today is day 28! Wow. I can’t believe it has only been 28 days. If I am honest, I feel like I have been doing this for year. With well over 15,000 words, I am about 1/3 of the way done with my first non-fiction book 😉.  Kind of. In any case, I have gotten to the cool place where I post every day, sometimes personal details and sometimes not, and I don’t care who reads it. That is a beautiful thing.

Maybe I will write my first book via blog posts everyday. If I get started on Day 32…that would mean I could reach 50,000 words in 100 days. CRAZY! That is nothing. Maybe my next goal will be 100 more days of blog posts. It has been really centering for me to write each and every day. It has been harder on the weekends, and I have a lot of trips coming up…maybe I could absorb the word count into other days to make up for it? I’m not sure yet. Or maybe, I bring a damn notebook and crank it out. That might be what the universe has in store for me!

Speaking of the universe, today I went for a pretty solid walk and thought a lot of blue ducks. I was thinking that it has been a while since I have purposefully manifested anything into my life. I do think that I manifested my boyfriend as well as my job, but that has been a little while now. I am ready for change in some areas of my life, but I have lost practice! So, I asked the universe to show me a blue duck…any kind of blue duck anywhere and anytime. That is where I left it. Since, I have been trying to feel what it is like to see that blue duck and to know that everything is great with or without seeing the blue duck….my trust remains the same. The last part, I admit, has been a struggle for me. How do I let go of my attachment to the outcome? How do I ask for a blue duck and then stop caring about the damn duck?? Therein lies the secret sauce to this whole manifestation thing. I guess I have to know and trust the universe will and already does have my back whether the blue duck shows up on my doorstep or not.

In order to get into a good “flow”, if you will,  I did a 10 minute meditation. While meditating, I noticed my jaw was aching so bad! I couldn’t focus on anything else. It led me to wonder whether I carry tension in my jaw all the time and whether it hurts all the time! Am I spending so much time in my head with all the noise that I don’t notice that my jaw hurts so bad?! It blew my mind honestly. That is how bad it hurt.

I am not sure exactly what is going on, whether it is from sleeping or from sore shoulder and chest muscles pulling, but I will be paying much more attention to these sensations and hopefully meditating more as a result of this new interest!

Day 27: Protect Your Energy!

My 500 Words

Do you follow your soul? I think I do most of the time, but I have learned over time that my interpretation of my soul can actually be from a different source within me. Sometimes, it is a place of panic or fear dressed as the soul. The soul is never panicked. The soul knows there is plenty of time.

I have been going through some frustrations over a friend I have known most of my life and a growing realization of the nature of said friendship. It hasn’t always been a nurturing or growing relationship, and while I knew this, I chose to ignore it for most of my life. That said, current conditions have led me to interact with or around this person quite a bit lately. It has led me both to insanity and since a greater sense of clarity. So for that, I am grateful.

The situation had me angry pretty often and feeling very misused and taken for granted, not a brand new feeling in this particular friendship. I am not sure if it was the moment, the situation, or something else, but I hit the wall of what I can tolerate. I have almost entirely stopped taking calls from them and others. I find calls to be a deeply intrusive part of my day…like this better be an emergency. We can communicate by text and I don’t have to halt my life to listen to someone breathe.

Now that I think about it, this was something I blogged about towards the beginning of the challenge, prioritizing the time of others and my relationships over myself. Perhaps this is just a step in the right direction. When my phone rings, I think of a pretty picture with words that a friend sent me on instagram…”I reserve the right to protect my energy.” And, I do. I reserve the goddamn right to protect my fricken peace and my fricken energy. Because that shit is beautiful and it runs out some days. So, I need to make sure I have enough of it to last.

So, I have taken on this mindset that my time matters and that I alone can choose how to spend it. In this, I have let a lot of my anger go. When I took responsibility for answering that phone call at an inconvenient hour or stopping what I was doing to be a therapist, I realized I could stop. Immediately. Without anything terrible happening to anyone. She probably just called someone else. In doing this, I have let go of so much anger surrounding her and this situation. It was a gift, but I was too busy taking care of my time and my energy to notice.

Another friend of mine, however, did notice. We were chatting on the phone (after I called her back at a better time :)) and she asked about the situation. I told her that it was status quo but that it was fine. I told her I let go of the outcome, of how everything shakes out…and that I felt better about it. I didn’t think much of it, but she was so impressed. She commended me on how I seemed to be handling the situation.

I didn’t do it for anyone to think I did a good job. I just did it for myself, and it took my friend asking me for me to see how far I have come. Claps all around for protecting your energy. Keep that up lasses and lads!

 

Day 25: Anotha Day Anotha Dollarr

My 500 Words

Yesterday, I was challenged regarding a few of my goals. It was 9:00 PM and I hadn’t done my blog post or my workout for the day. I have completed 6 weeks of my workout, without skipping, and have also completed 25 days (as of today) of blogging 500 words every day. I was not going to let one day of procrastination stop me. I could have let it slide. I could have not done either one. Instead, I did them both… not my best…but not my worst. AND, I did it. I didn’t abandon my goal because it became difficult. Proud! I am happy about it, and it made me feel better instantly.

I have been doing a lot of listening and thinking about accessing the inner voice. And, it has been an interesting exercise for me. It has, however, made writing harder. It has made it harder to find a blog topic on anything else because I am thinking so much about this. I think it is making me better, though, and more aware. I like that.

I asked my inner voice questions last night and had an interesting experience surrounding it. I found the mind resisting my accessing this part of me and the ensuing panic. After a moment of accepting the panic, I felt a deeper knowing in my soul..in my heart. I knew the answer to this particular question was a “no”. It is an answer that I already knew but I find my mind resisting, maybe to help protect me from the world’s possibilities. My mind wants to keep me on my toes to protect me, but it doesn’t need to. It is OK as it is. I am OK and can trust myself, despite the messages from the world. I can’t control this. I can only accept it inside and trust.

In addition to personal questions I had, I feel a greater peace surrounding my work and my career. I can do whatever I want, but I don’t need to do anything. I can seek out experiences in life, but I do not have to be so attached to outcomes. The ego wants success and accolades. The inner spirit wants acceptance, experience, and even fun. I plan to dive deeper into this voice and try to ignore my scared mind, trying so hard to protect me. The podcast I have been listening to refers to the mind as a protective parent of an adult child, well meaning but sometimes unnecessary. The mind can help with decisions and options, just like the protective parent, but the ultimate decision ought to lie with the adult child. Like the adult child, I have to find ways to navigate my life without yearning for the approval of others or the approval of society. I am successful in this moment because I am. Nothing else is needed. If I do something else because I want to, that is great, but it will not make me greater or less than I already am in this moment. And, that is a beautiful and wonderful reality to live in.

Tootles!

 

 

Day 24: Last Minute Posts

My 500 Words

Today I am posting at the very end of my day. I did not prioritize my 500 words, and I am regretting it so much! Ah, cest la vie. But, here I am…doing it at 9:15 PM after a long day (I am a grandmother). Last night, I had too much fun, which left me with a slight malaise today, which has lasted until recently.

My man-friend and I had a really great day futzing around our Colorado town. We met for coffee this morning, had lunch at a warm, fun spot, and walked to the movie theater, where we watched the new James Cameron flick. Then, I snuck in a quick workout and shower. Now, we are chilling out, netflix-ing, and planning our Sunday.

We are deciding between skiing, not skiing, or something else. Tough life, eh!

Alas, today I kept up with my life theme of presence. I spent the morning feeling present and thinking about presence. I thought a lot about my inner voice and wondered if I knew her at all. I wonder if I have heard from her at all. I have also thought a lot about my own anxiety issues and whether my inner voice could have or could in the future alleviate some of those troubles.

The mind loves a problem and will create them if not presented with one. I find this in my life a lot in that things will be just fine but I will stress that something greater is wrong or that I am making a big mistake. It can be exhausting.

I have to admit. I am just not in the zone tonight to write this. I just want to be done. Luckily, the content of this post doesn’t really matter. I just vowed to post something. I didn’t vow to post something good, interesting, or even coherent. 500 words at any cost. And, it is coming atcha.

For tomorrow, I think it would be cool to go to a hot spring and sit in the cold but stay hot. I am not sure where I can do that or whether there is one nearby. I suppose once I finish this I will look for some options. I am hoping to have a happy Sunday before starting another slog of a week.

It is crazy how the mind is like a monkey. It jumps from opposing thoughts and fears with ease, causing me to worry about one thing and then immediately an opposing idea within the same moment. How exhausting. Is there really a mind that is separate from the soul? From the self? Is this mind just there to protect us and keep us safe? It is an interesting idea and seems plausible in so many ways. However, the concept of past lives kind of freaks me out. Oh well… everything in its own time. You don’t have the understand everything right now. You just have to accept the moment and to make the most out of it. Alright, mates. That is it for me today.

Adios!

Day 23: Oprah Says Surrender

My 500 Words

My posts for the past few days have centered around surrender, particularly in regards to my professional path. Since having started to post about this, I am realizing (again) how important the concept and the action of surrender is.

In the past few months, I have started listening to Oprah’s podcasts. While I haven’t been an Oprah advocate in the past, I didn’t dislike her. I just didn’t think she was for me. I thought she was for older women with kids who needed company while they were home alone during the day. I wanted something uplifting to listen to during the day while walking to town, cleaning, etc. I instantly thought of Oprah, so that certainly says something about my impression of this wildly successful woman in our culture.

Oprah has been interviewing and speaking with Eckhart Tolle every week, along with other spiritual leaders, and it has been a welcome, necessary reminder of the need for presence and surrender. It has been freeing to remember that the suffering I can feel so acutely is actually often just the mind finding problems to solve, doing what it does best. It has also been empowering to remember that the mind is the servant or the assistant of the self. It is not the self. It is strange how such a small shift can make such a huge difference in contentment.

I explained in previous posts what I gained or lost, happily, by surrendering to the moment, to presence, or to the universe. I would like to make surrender a bigger part of my every day life and would like to challenge myself somehow to make this a habit, rather than an occasional happening. I am not certain how I will do this, but perhaps I can add 5 minutes of meditation, intention setting, and presence before or after something that I do everyday. I think I would function best if I can track success in some way, so maybe that will be blogging everyday still, even if I decrease the word count to 250? I am not sure what I will do. BUT, I have already added more presence to my days, but I can be more intentional, I think. I will have to bring it to the soul and see what she says 😜.

Sometimes I feel a heat or a panic when I act out of ego or from my mind. I want to feel peace even when the answers or steps are not clear. I want to have more fun, more joy, and even more laughter. I am very happy and everything I want could be mine if I gave in, surrendered. I do have blocks, though, and can feel a need for work in this area. Maybe, surrender is like a muscle and can be strengthened by using it. There is only one way to find out, I suppose. So, I will keep seeking out the message, through the teachers I have already found and potentially new ones. We will see what I find, and if this path feels good, maybe this will be my focus for the next 8 days of the #My500Words challenge. As a side note, I cannot believe I have almost completed this challenge. How epic!

Until next time, mates!