Day 50: That is a wrap?

My 500 Words

Wow! Day 50 of #my500words….here we are. I don’t know if I want this challenge to end. While I have found it exhausting on busy days, it has been so enriching! It has forced me to put my crazy thoughts onto a “page”. And, this alone has been therapeutic…even when I wasn’t saying all that much. What a great gift. I feel grateful that I have been able to take on this challenge with the first 31 days and then the additional 19 days, making it 50 days of 500 words…without missing a single day. Talk about starting a new habit!

As my previous post detailed, I still want to keep blogging. I just don’t know in what capacity. Maybe the primary purpose of this blog is that I write my thoughts down each day. Maybe that is the benefit of this, period. I am not sure, but a break will be nice. It is funny. I thought about starting a blog for so long, wanting a reason to write crap everyday, as though you need a reason! I think I put too much pressure on myself, too much pressure to be interesting or funny or to make money. Now that I have thrown all of those things out the window (and much more), I am able to just write and to start a habit. So that has been great. And, as we all know, blogs are still important for marketing purposes, but the market for “bloggers” is saturated and such. So, apparently, I need to know that things are “dead end” to motivate me to get involved hehehe.

This brings me to an interesting thought I have been having today…hobbies. My boyfriend is really great at getting involved in the community. He goes to meetups and talks and happy hours. Everything he does is related to his professional goals and network. I am just NOT like that. It is funny how different we are. I want to take classes and go to meetups that enrich me personally and bring fun into my life. I don’t want to go learn how to enter data into excel sheets. Maybe this means I am a loser, or maybe it means I haven’t found a career that lights me up. In any case, going to a happy hour to discuss my day job makes me ill to think about. I would rather walk around the library.

Speaking of the library, there are a lot of homeless people that hang at the libraries here. One such homeless lady complimented my boots today. “Hey, I like your boots, man!” What a compliment! I was so stoked….”THANKS!” I yelled back at her. Sometimes, it really just is the little things. How lucky am I?

Speaking of the little things, today I went for a walk (to work and then back home) and got my heart rate up. It wasn’t a big deal, but it was nice. I got sweaty and warm, and it was good for me. As Sophie Lennon says in her act on the Amazon Prime Series Mrs. Maisel, “PUT THAT ON YOUR PLATE!”

XOXO

Day 47: Control and Love

My 500 Words

Love and control…control and love. Two sides of the same coin? Or, are they just confused. Parents and children…children and parents. A confusing relationship that is so rich but is often fraught with frustration. Why is that? And, why do we try to control the lives of those we love the most. Is it fear? Is it like the mind? The mind is the watchful parent, and it can be so misguided and so gripped with fear that it can miss the point entirely. Maybe that is it.

I feel the struggle. I want my family to be healthy, to be thriving, and to take control of their lives. You can’t force someone to take control of their life. That would kind of defeat the purpose. If I force someone to take control of their life, they haven’t taken control at all. They will simply be doing it because they were forced. And, eventually, they will either resent me for telling them what to do or change their behavior anyway. It isn’t the path to positive. Why does it feel so damn tempting then? Why do I want to tell my loved ones to stop watching television or to take a walk instead of eating another cookie? I know me telling them isn’t going to change anything in 9/10 situations. Do I keep trying because of that 10% of possibility (made up statistic).

How can I work on letting go? I want to let go, but I am not there yet. I need to ask GOD for his help with this one because I am not letting it go on my own. I want to love my family whether they smoke crack in gutters with the scourge of society or are friends and colleagues of Bill and Melinda Gates. I want to love them unconditionally, and I don’t know if I am there yet. I want to be there, but I fall short. I will keep trying.

Today was a frustrating day for me. I had to acknowledge that I do fall short of unconditional acceptance, but perhaps not the love. I think I love. But, I do not always accept. I want to control some things and some people, to have a say over things I cannot have a say over. I want to resist the control of others that are struggling with the same needs. I am not there and have often fallen short, but I want to get better with this. I want to amaze people with my ability to be so secure in myself that they can be whoever they want. I do not want to amaze them for my ego or to build my name as better or holier than thou. I want to amaze them simply because I have gotten THAT comfortable being comfortable. Divine intervention, come at me bro.

Perhaps this is common, especially among families. I want everyone to love them as much as me, to see them as the funny and beautiful people that they are. But, by doubting them, I dim them. Rather, I should lift them up higher.

Day 36: Why am I enjoying this process so much?

My 500 Words

I have to admit…I love writing my500words everyday…like LOVE. I look forward to it. Why is that? I don’t really have readers. I don’t really have a big, grand goal related to this. This functions as a personal journal, albeit impersonal in details, that I post for the world to see. What is it about this that I enjoy? I think it is the honesty that I approach each post with. I can be playful and fun in topics, but I can be honest. How beautiful and freeing to be honest. Also, how rare.

I don’t share this blog with any friends or family. Although, I don’t hide it either. My boyfriend knows that I blog everyday, but he hasn’t read the blog (as far as I know) and doesn’t ask for too particular of details. He seems to know it is kind of mine right now, in its infancy and unsure of what’s next. It is delicate, but I enjoy it. The delicacy doesn’t matter to me as much as the fact that I enjoy it. But, I wonder if my enjoyment is derived in part from the delicacy of the content, window into my thoughts, and the anonymity. I wonder where it will lead, if anywhere. It doesn’t have to lead anywhere.

This blog has helped me in the past 36 days a great deal. It has especially helped to anchor my day. My work day can feel chaotic and unstructured. But, each day, I know I have to write my blog…and it is both for me and not for me. There is growth, but there is also presence. It is a nice combination for me, and it makes me feel good.

I started a list recently of things that make me feel good, to better find alignment in my life- to align with what feels good. I figured I should make this easier on myself! This list includes a few things, which I am sure will grow. But, it includes writing on this blog. It is easier and faster for me to get my full thoughts out here and pressure to stand by what is posted to the internet. It is a strange thing, but it makes me feel good whenever I hit “publish”.

I digress! What makes you happy? How do you find alignment? There aren’t any of you reading or responding, but I still wonder. Do you make better decisions when you are in alignment? Or, are you more likely to come to the conclusion that it isn’t THAT important anyway? It feels like it might be the latter. When you are in alignment, you are happy and at peace, which makes the problems our minds make into mountains show themselves as they are, molehills!

My boyfriend and I were stressed when we first moved to Colorado. We needed a place to live and felt nervous about the future of us as an “us”. Not in a bad way, just in a “next step” way. We would always plan to go on a hike to talk. After 20 minutes of hiking, we would stop caring about our issue and feel great. Then, we would laugh about our plan and how by the end we had a “yeah that doesn’t even matter” attitude.

✨The magic of the moment ✨