Day 41: Just as I am

My 500 Words

Today has me thinking a lot about motivation, ambition, friendships, and the ever present wonder if I will find my life’s purpose. No pressure…just find your passion, fix your relationships, examine the fulfillment of your daily life, and whether you actually like living in a cold mountain town (mostly cold). Just figure it out, OK?

I spent an hour talking on the phone to a friend last night, a great friend. She is a friend that I cherish and value more than most. Yet, I was exhausted by our conversation because I was exhausted. I don’t want to live out my social life over the phone, and this causes a conflict internally. I wanted to move to a new town to start fresh, but I haven’t yet. I haven’t created any new relationships, although I have strengthened some that faded due to distance previously. Now, though, I am finding the LDR with pals to be tiring. I don’t want to live my life through my computer or my phone. I want to be present…as in “in person”, here, there. You get it.

Does this make me a bad friend? Does it mean I just need a break? It might mean that I am just not being replenished by many of these relationships currently. Or, it might just mean that I am in transition. If I am transition, that is okay. I am okay with that. They might not be, but I am. I am ready for something new, and if that means shattering limiting beliefs that my friends and family share, that is okay. It also might just mean I need to pull away temporarily. Also OK. It is all OK.

I am in the process of paving a new path for myself, like many new paths I have paved in the past. This is just the current one. I have been here before, and it has always been OK, if not great. Sometimes, letting go of certain beliefs about yourself involves distancing yourself from people close to you. Distance can aid in the allowance of change and growth. It feels in so many ways that I am clearing all interests, wiping the slate clean. I don’t know what will come from it, but I am trying to trust the process. I am in the process of wiping the passion plate clean, and I am trusting the moment and the process until a new path makes itself clear.

I have, perhaps, wanted a passion and a career so bad that I have set my hopes too high and simultaneously encountered great resistance. I am working on and in the process of releasing this need and switching it to a want. I don’t need this to be happy. I am already happy. I don’t need this to be fulfilled. I am already fulfilled. I am worthy and capable and am so excited if it is coming. If it not coming, I am OK with this moment exactly as it is. I am happy and perhaps not sure if I need a change at all. I am happy in this moment. I have purpose, joy, fun, laughter, money, and abundance. I am happy exactly as I am in this moment.

Day 36: Why am I enjoying this process so much?

My 500 Words

I have to admit…I love writing my500words everyday…like LOVE. I look forward to it. Why is that? I don’t really have readers. I don’t really have a big, grand goal related to this. This functions as a personal journal, albeit impersonal in details, that I post for the world to see. What is it about this that I enjoy? I think it is the honesty that I approach each post with. I can be playful and fun in topics, but I can be honest. How beautiful and freeing to be honest. Also, how rare.

I don’t share this blog with any friends or family. Although, I don’t hide it either. My boyfriend knows that I blog everyday, but he hasn’t read the blog (as far as I know) and doesn’t ask for too particular of details. He seems to know it is kind of mine right now, in its infancy and unsure of what’s next. It is delicate, but I enjoy it. The delicacy doesn’t matter to me as much as the fact that I enjoy it. But, I wonder if my enjoyment is derived in part from the delicacy of the content, window into my thoughts, and the anonymity. I wonder where it will lead, if anywhere. It doesn’t have to lead anywhere.

This blog has helped me in the past 36 days a great deal. It has especially helped to anchor my day. My work day can feel chaotic and unstructured. But, each day, I know I have to write my blog…and it is both for me and not for me. There is growth, but there is also presence. It is a nice combination for me, and it makes me feel good.

I started a list recently of things that make me feel good, to better find alignment in my life- to align with what feels good. I figured I should make this easier on myself! This list includes a few things, which I am sure will grow. But, it includes writing on this blog. It is easier and faster for me to get my full thoughts out here and pressure to stand by what is posted to the internet. It is a strange thing, but it makes me feel good whenever I hit “publish”.

I digress! What makes you happy? How do you find alignment? There aren’t any of you reading or responding, but I still wonder. Do you make better decisions when you are in alignment? Or, are you more likely to come to the conclusion that it isn’t THAT important anyway? It feels like it might be the latter. When you are in alignment, you are happy and at peace, which makes the problems our minds make into mountains show themselves as they are, molehills!

My boyfriend and I were stressed when we first moved to Colorado. We needed a place to live and felt nervous about the future of us as an “us”. Not in a bad way, just in a “next step” way. We would always plan to go on a hike to talk. After 20 minutes of hiking, we would stop caring about our issue and feel great. Then, we would laugh about our plan and how by the end we had a “yeah that doesn’t even matter” attitude.

✨The magic of the moment ✨

Day 23: Oprah Says Surrender

My 500 Words

My posts for the past few days have centered around surrender, particularly in regards to my professional path. Since having started to post about this, I am realizing (again) how important the concept and the action of surrender is.

In the past few months, I have started listening to Oprah’s podcasts. While I haven’t been an Oprah advocate in the past, I didn’t dislike her. I just didn’t think she was for me. I thought she was for older women with kids who needed company while they were home alone during the day. I wanted something uplifting to listen to during the day while walking to town, cleaning, etc. I instantly thought of Oprah, so that certainly says something about my impression of this wildly successful woman in our culture.

Oprah has been interviewing and speaking with Eckhart Tolle every week, along with other spiritual leaders, and it has been a welcome, necessary reminder of the need for presence and surrender. It has been freeing to remember that the suffering I can feel so acutely is actually often just the mind finding problems to solve, doing what it does best. It has also been empowering to remember that the mind is the servant or the assistant of the self. It is not the self. It is strange how such a small shift can make such a huge difference in contentment.

I explained in previous posts what I gained or lost, happily, by surrendering to the moment, to presence, or to the universe. I would like to make surrender a bigger part of my every day life and would like to challenge myself somehow to make this a habit, rather than an occasional happening. I am not certain how I will do this, but perhaps I can add 5 minutes of meditation, intention setting, and presence before or after something that I do everyday. I think I would function best if I can track success in some way, so maybe that will be blogging everyday still, even if I decrease the word count to 250? I am not sure what I will do. BUT, I have already added more presence to my days, but I can be more intentional, I think. I will have to bring it to the soul and see what she says 😜.

Sometimes I feel a heat or a panic when I act out of ego or from my mind. I want to feel peace even when the answers or steps are not clear. I want to have more fun, more joy, and even more laughter. I am very happy and everything I want could be mine if I gave in, surrendered. I do have blocks, though, and can feel a need for work in this area. Maybe, surrender is like a muscle and can be strengthened by using it. There is only one way to find out, I suppose. So, I will keep seeking out the message, through the teachers I have already found and potentially new ones. We will see what I find, and if this path feels good, maybe this will be my focus for the next 8 days of the #My500Words challenge. As a side note, I cannot believe I have almost completed this challenge. How epic!

Until next time, mates!