This might be it.

Professional

At times, life feels devoid of purpose…a purpose-less life. I have heard people who recover from various life crisis, such as quitting a corporate job or selling a business, call it a purpose problem. A purpose problem seems to be there when you are crazy successful and you lose your way. Then, your story can turn into a tale of changing gears and being successful at something new. What about those of us that feel like we never have found purpose? What about people like me that usually feel like their days are boring and bland and that there isn’t much they can do about? Where are the podcasts and the inspirational books and seminars for those people? Have they not been made or created because no one who has “made it” can understand that line of thinking?

I have been studying and pursuing a more mindful and present approach to life. Perhaps I need to practice what I have been reading about in this regard. Perhaps I need to accept that I may not have a purpose on this earth. Perhaps, I am actually like floating accidental-like on a breeze. It is possible that I have no innate or unique talents in this life or on this plane. This might just be as good as it gets for me. Can I learn to be okay with that?

Now maybe this way of thinking will open up new avenues for me…avenues I hadn’t thought of or allowed myself to explore. But, maybe…just maybe… I am meant to do exactly what I am doing in this moment. And it doesn’t matter what I think about it or wish I had. This right here….this might be it. Perhaps I need to accept that this…is my fate.

Often times, when I have received a stroke a good luck, it is after I have given up its possibility or inevitability. Maybe this is what will happen. Or, maybe it won’t. I might have to be okay with that. I am not completely there yet. That is where I am at. And, that is okay. Everyday, I will try to remember that exactly where I am is perfect, regardless of whether this currently reality changes in any way. I am right where I am meant to be…even in my confusion. This is it. This is life. Accept it.

Day 45: A garden fit for gods, but no flowers!

My 500 Words

My mom is in town this weekend, so my writing today comes to you early in the morning before she wakes up. I am suffering from a stiff neck, which I am attributing to tension while driving up and down the state yesterday. We went to visit the Garden of the Gods near Colorado Springs. I had never been before and it was a perfectly accessible start to the trip for my mom, who was worried about too much walking. It was really nice and the weather was good.

The most fascinating part was thinking about how those rocks got there, having previously been underwater and also home to dinosaurs. They find fossils from dinosaurs there frequently (comparatively speaking). The now park and national landmark, was given its name by 2 European purveyors in the mid 1800s that realized the area and the rock formations provided a garden that was fit for Gods! So, there you have it. The part about finding fossils all of the time feels real, but that was an exaggeration. I don’t actually know if that is true. I believe they have found at least one 😂.

It made me think of Sedona, which has beautiful rocks formations that are red and magnificent to behold. I told my mom how much she would just LOVE Sedona. And, I vow to take her there for a weekend. It would be really great for her. It is a place built on the beauty of the Southwest and the energetic healing principles of both ancient and new age beliefs. Isn’t it interesting how much of what we call “new age” is just ancient beliefs recycled, rediscovered, or appropriated. T’ain’t nothing new in this world of ours!

My mom said her best energy, according to I guess the energy doctor, was in Colorado or Hawaii. And, she then became wistful about having never belonged in the place she was. But, she did belong. We all belong eventually, as we slightly mold and change to fit our place. Or maybe it is not that serious. Maybe, we are all just playing and the outcome doesn’t really matter. So if the outcome doesn’t really matter and everything is fun and games, what is it that you want for yourself?

Do you want to be an author? Yes. Do you want to be a comedian? Sure. Do you want to skydive all day? Ehhhh. Do you want to bake cookies? I will eat them. Do you want to watch T.V. ? No… Do you want to make people pretty? Not desperately, but I am happy if they are pretty. Do you want to learn how to dance? That would be fun. Do you want to spend it pleasing someone you don’t even like? No. Do you want to feel bad about yourself? No. Do you want to feel alive? YES. Do you want to worry? Ugh, No. Do you want to be joyful? Bloody abundant in joy, mate. Do you want to feel love and to give it? Everyday.  Are you ready to be more specific? Do I need to be?

Day 43: A More Graceful Passion

My 500 Words

I am not feeling much inspiration to write today. I think when I get to the 50 day mark, I will change my schedule to 5 days/ week or perhaps just allow myself some time off. Maybe I need a goal with the writing. I enjoy it because it helps me think things through. I have always thought best through my fingers or a pen…it clarifies the chaos inside and puts it into a format that I can manage.

Spirituality has been a theme of my life lately, a mostly interesting and inspiring place to spend mental energy. But, I do find myself equally into the spirituality and skeptical of allowing it into my life. I am a spiritual person, and I want to be connected to both the earth and universal energy. However, I don’t want to go so deep that I can’t see the trees in the forest. I want to pray and meditate and practice presence, but I just want to be myself while I do that. Contemplating who I am and which voices are which in my head is EXHAUSTING! And, not all that important.

I think, for me, the most important thing is to know that I am part of the energy that is everyone and everything. I am part of the father, the son, and the holy spirit…the inner being, the source, and the mind. There are so many ways to describe the things we have always known in so many religions for so long. These spiritual beliefs can be beautiful, and they can also be corrupted. They can be radicalized, and they can be exploited.

My goal is to be a spiritual person in the most boring sense of the word. I just want to live, to experience the beautiful and magical world that we live in and to give thanks. My spiritual practice is to be grateful and to be present. I don’t want to overthink the magic. I want to accept it and trust in it, as I always have. But, mostly, I want to have fun and feel alive and safe. I want to have roots, wings, adventure, and safety. I want it all. I plan to live a life of delight and love and laughter. I want to experience the world in presence and joy and understanding. I want to show compassion and care, without sacrificing my joy or dreaming.

I am seeking a life of abundance, and I am finding it…But, I cannot think too deeply or too much anymore. It tires me. Instead, I am trusting, knowing, and living each day and each moment. Career-wise, I often feel like a square peg in a round hole and, at times, defensive about it. I am in changing my mindset to finding something that aligns with me, not with the world. I am finding my way into a passion that looks like Grace, a passion that looks like me, talks like me, and makes me feel more like me.

Day 41: Just as I am

My 500 Words

Today has me thinking a lot about motivation, ambition, friendships, and the ever present wonder if I will find my life’s purpose. No pressure…just find your passion, fix your relationships, examine the fulfillment of your daily life, and whether you actually like living in a cold mountain town (mostly cold). Just figure it out, OK?

I spent an hour talking on the phone to a friend last night, a great friend. She is a friend that I cherish and value more than most. Yet, I was exhausted by our conversation because I was exhausted. I don’t want to live out my social life over the phone, and this causes a conflict internally. I wanted to move to a new town to start fresh, but I haven’t yet. I haven’t created any new relationships, although I have strengthened some that faded due to distance previously. Now, though, I am finding the LDR with pals to be tiring. I don’t want to live my life through my computer or my phone. I want to be present…as in “in person”, here, there. You get it.

Does this make me a bad friend? Does it mean I just need a break? It might mean that I am just not being replenished by many of these relationships currently. Or, it might just mean that I am in transition. If I am transition, that is okay. I am okay with that. They might not be, but I am. I am ready for something new, and if that means shattering limiting beliefs that my friends and family share, that is okay. It also might just mean I need to pull away temporarily. Also OK. It is all OK.

I am in the process of paving a new path for myself, like many new paths I have paved in the past. This is just the current one. I have been here before, and it has always been OK, if not great. Sometimes, letting go of certain beliefs about yourself involves distancing yourself from people close to you. Distance can aid in the allowance of change and growth. It feels in so many ways that I am clearing all interests, wiping the slate clean. I don’t know what will come from it, but I am trying to trust the process. I am in the process of wiping the passion plate clean, and I am trusting the moment and the process until a new path makes itself clear.

I have, perhaps, wanted a passion and a career so bad that I have set my hopes too high and simultaneously encountered great resistance. I am working on and in the process of releasing this need and switching it to a want. I don’t need this to be happy. I am already happy. I don’t need this to be fulfilled. I am already fulfilled. I am worthy and capable and am so excited if it is coming. If it not coming, I am OK with this moment exactly as it is. I am happy and perhaps not sure if I need a change at all. I am happy in this moment. I have purpose, joy, fun, laughter, money, and abundance. I am happy exactly as I am in this moment.

Day 37: Walking into Transcendence

My 500 Words

I am doing well today. I wasn’t always doing well, but I just got home from a great walk, a way that allowed me and my boyfriend to transcend. What is transcendence? Transcendence is, according to dictionary.com, existence or experience beyond the normal or physical level. So, how did my walk allow me to transcend. Great question.

My boyfriend was in an agitated state, and I wanted to take a walk (actually I always want to take a walk). So, we went together to work through his upset. It worked, but, as usual, not the way one might expect. As we walked and talked, he asked me an important question, “Am I always angry?”. Now, I am a smart lady. I wasn’t about to start an argument, so I told him that he is often affected in a way that is negative by life events that he cannot control or avoid. He thought for a while, and then we continued on talking and walking.

As we both talked about our blocks and better ways to manage anger, we found ourselves walking right into a higher state of consciousness. We started talking about how when we change our perspective, we can be separate from our angst about a situation and how changing our mindsets can actually change our life. I talked about my job and how I can often talk myself into being happy, and he noted the same. If we give up our attachment to life working out in the way we think it should, we can often gain a great deal and live happier lives. Not so easily done, but also not often said. So, that was really great.

We ended the walk with honest talks about how we want to approach our future. It was freeing in a lot of ways. I often feel like he is ready to put down roots while I am searching for a new pair of wings on the internet. We are alike in so many ways, but while he craves structure and finality, I like open-ended and undefined. Often, I am, by appearances, avoiding a topic of conversation, when in reality it is just totally not on my radar! I guess it is good to be opposites in some ways.

He keeps me grounded to the facts, and I push him to leave the door open for possibility. I don’t know if I actually do this, but it sounds so nice and dreamy! I wish all of life could be put into a little box, like a cute sentence, and it would describe its amazing complexity. Wait a second…no I don’t! Life is complex and sometimes overwhelming, but holy crap, it can be so amazing and exciting if we can stay open to its wonders.

Maybe I can’t sum up a relationship or the universe into a sweet tagline, but I don’t want to. Maybe I will keep trying or maybe I will give up. What I do know is that good things are on the horizon, and I can’t wait to see what they are!

Day 36: Why am I enjoying this process so much?

My 500 Words

I have to admit…I love writing my500words everyday…like LOVE. I look forward to it. Why is that? I don’t really have readers. I don’t really have a big, grand goal related to this. This functions as a personal journal, albeit impersonal in details, that I post for the world to see. What is it about this that I enjoy? I think it is the honesty that I approach each post with. I can be playful and fun in topics, but I can be honest. How beautiful and freeing to be honest. Also, how rare.

I don’t share this blog with any friends or family. Although, I don’t hide it either. My boyfriend knows that I blog everyday, but he hasn’t read the blog (as far as I know) and doesn’t ask for too particular of details. He seems to know it is kind of mine right now, in its infancy and unsure of what’s next. It is delicate, but I enjoy it. The delicacy doesn’t matter to me as much as the fact that I enjoy it. But, I wonder if my enjoyment is derived in part from the delicacy of the content, window into my thoughts, and the anonymity. I wonder where it will lead, if anywhere. It doesn’t have to lead anywhere.

This blog has helped me in the past 36 days a great deal. It has especially helped to anchor my day. My work day can feel chaotic and unstructured. But, each day, I know I have to write my blog…and it is both for me and not for me. There is growth, but there is also presence. It is a nice combination for me, and it makes me feel good.

I started a list recently of things that make me feel good, to better find alignment in my life- to align with what feels good. I figured I should make this easier on myself! This list includes a few things, which I am sure will grow. But, it includes writing on this blog. It is easier and faster for me to get my full thoughts out here and pressure to stand by what is posted to the internet. It is a strange thing, but it makes me feel good whenever I hit “publish”.

I digress! What makes you happy? How do you find alignment? There aren’t any of you reading or responding, but I still wonder. Do you make better decisions when you are in alignment? Or, are you more likely to come to the conclusion that it isn’t THAT important anyway? It feels like it might be the latter. When you are in alignment, you are happy and at peace, which makes the problems our minds make into mountains show themselves as they are, molehills!

My boyfriend and I were stressed when we first moved to Colorado. We needed a place to live and felt nervous about the future of us as an “us”. Not in a bad way, just in a “next step” way. We would always plan to go on a hike to talk. After 20 minutes of hiking, we would stop caring about our issue and feel great. Then, we would laugh about our plan and how by the end we had a “yeah that doesn’t even matter” attitude.

✨The magic of the moment ✨

Day 33: Peace & Stillness> Desperation

My 500 Words

Each day that I write, I find myself negating something that I wrote the previous day. That isn’t that cool! But, I find myself here today. So, a few posts ago, I said I was going to manifest pink elephants or a yellow Volkswagen. I was trying to manipulate the universe into telling me a secret about myself…instead of asking and trusting myself. The truth is, I did see pink elephants today on a pair of pajama pants, but I don’t care. The truth is that I would like to have more creativity and explore more creative outlets. This doesn’t necessarily mean that my job has to be creative. When did I start equating my job with my sole source of happiness? Oh, right. When I was like 9 years old, haha. This has been a bit of a struggle for me for many years.

So, for now…I am going to stay in my job or at least make no active pursuits to change my job until I explore my creative side in my regular life for a while first. Or maybe not. That might be a promise I can’t make and that I don’t mean. Maybe what I will do is stop worrying about everything and putting a label or a name on it. Maybe…I will not even do that. Maybe, I will just be, as I am right now without trying. How tough is this presence stuff, huh?! I feel like I should always be striving, trying, and working towards something. But, that can just lead me around in circles. That is not the life I want.

The life I want is big, beautiful and inspired. I can go in one direction and change my mind. I can do multiple things at once and take big, fun risks and exjoy the peace and quite of certainty in the moment. I do not have to accept a future I do not want, but I do have the accept the moment, the only thing that matters…the present moment. Why is that so hard to do? The mind is wired to think about the future, based on the past. It is so good, but it can also be so bad. It can leave us spinning around in the what-ifs and the what-could-haves. I need to let those go. Or, rather, I need to get back to the moment, which lets those go naturally. All we have is now. The beautiful now.

I don’t want to wonder if things are where they should be. There is no should be. There is only now. Maybe at 29, I should be somewhere else according to the mind. But, according to the present, I am exactly where I was meant to be. All good things flow from this moment. In fact, everything flows from this moment, period. I don’t want to brand. I just want to be. I don’t want to market. I just want to flow. Flow. Flow. Flow. Like the river, sometimes fast and sometimes slow, occasionally high and occasionally low. Always in flow ❤ .

Day 31: How to know what you want

My 500 Words

This morning, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I ate a lot of crackers and snacks very late at night, felt dehydrated before sleeping, and woke up earlier than I would have preferred. I have felt kind of crabby ever since. Now, I have an offer to do something that I have been wanting to do for a while, and it just doesn’t feel like today is the right day. But, I don’t feel THAT confident. The part of me that doesn’t want to miss out, the FOMO part of me, is worried. Am I missing out on a cool experience? Will it make me happier? Should I spend time with people?

The reality is that I am tired and don’t feel like hanging out with anyone. In another sense, though, I do want to do something. So what do I do with myself? How do I know which voice I should listen to? Which voice is the right voice? Is there a right voice? I don’t know. Maybe some of the spiritual experts out there can lend me a helping hand.

Eckhart Tolle would say that it doesn’t matter what the decision is but how I decide it, whether I make the decision in a state of presence. I struggle with this because I want to believe that how I live my life each day does matter. And, maybe it still does in this line of thinking…just in a different way than I normally approach life. So today, I am restless.

I asked my boyfriend to help me with this and help me to re-frame the present moment. He suggested that I accepted that today is a lazy day and allow good things to flow from that. He suggested that we say this is a lazy day, not good or bad, but a reality. I should allow a myriad of events to flow from this moment. I am fighting against the moment and against reality. I need to accept the present moment as reality. I chose not to go and that wasn’t a good or bad thing. It was just a decision that made sense in the moment. The feeling of loss is created in the mind and is not a truth. The mind perceives a loss, but there is a chance that going would have exhausted me or been socially difficult. In any case, in the present moment, I made a decision based on the present moment, which was my only option. I made the best decision for me in that moment.

Now, we go onward. Tonight, we are going to make pizza or some other food and invite my friend over for dinner. Tomorrow, we are going to wake up early and take the dog we are watching on a big walk in the mountains. Then, we are going to make snacks and have folks over for the Oscars. I think it sounds like a nice plan and it feels good.

The goal for the rest of the day is to stay present. Bless up, folks and see you soon as I am extending this goal for a total of 50 days of #My500Words. Wooo! That’s a wrap day 31 and part 1 of my goal!

Day 24: Last Minute Posts

My 500 Words

Today I am posting at the very end of my day. I did not prioritize my 500 words, and I am regretting it so much! Ah, cest la vie. But, here I am…doing it at 9:15 PM after a long day (I am a grandmother). Last night, I had too much fun, which left me with a slight malaise today, which has lasted until recently.

My man-friend and I had a really great day futzing around our Colorado town. We met for coffee this morning, had lunch at a warm, fun spot, and walked to the movie theater, where we watched the new James Cameron flick. Then, I snuck in a quick workout and shower. Now, we are chilling out, netflix-ing, and planning our Sunday.

We are deciding between skiing, not skiing, or something else. Tough life, eh!

Alas, today I kept up with my life theme of presence. I spent the morning feeling present and thinking about presence. I thought a lot about my inner voice and wondered if I knew her at all. I wonder if I have heard from her at all. I have also thought a lot about my own anxiety issues and whether my inner voice could have or could in the future alleviate some of those troubles.

The mind loves a problem and will create them if not presented with one. I find this in my life a lot in that things will be just fine but I will stress that something greater is wrong or that I am making a big mistake. It can be exhausting.

I have to admit. I am just not in the zone tonight to write this. I just want to be done. Luckily, the content of this post doesn’t really matter. I just vowed to post something. I didn’t vow to post something good, interesting, or even coherent. 500 words at any cost. And, it is coming atcha.

For tomorrow, I think it would be cool to go to a hot spring and sit in the cold but stay hot. I am not sure where I can do that or whether there is one nearby. I suppose once I finish this I will look for some options. I am hoping to have a happy Sunday before starting another slog of a week.

It is crazy how the mind is like a monkey. It jumps from opposing thoughts and fears with ease, causing me to worry about one thing and then immediately an opposing idea within the same moment. How exhausting. Is there really a mind that is separate from the soul? From the self? Is this mind just there to protect us and keep us safe? It is an interesting idea and seems plausible in so many ways. However, the concept of past lives kind of freaks me out. Oh well… everything in its own time. You don’t have the understand everything right now. You just have to accept the moment and to make the most out of it. Alright, mates. That is it for me today.

Adios!

Day 23: Oprah Says Surrender

My 500 Words

My posts for the past few days have centered around surrender, particularly in regards to my professional path. Since having started to post about this, I am realizing (again) how important the concept and the action of surrender is.

In the past few months, I have started listening to Oprah’s podcasts. While I haven’t been an Oprah advocate in the past, I didn’t dislike her. I just didn’t think she was for me. I thought she was for older women with kids who needed company while they were home alone during the day. I wanted something uplifting to listen to during the day while walking to town, cleaning, etc. I instantly thought of Oprah, so that certainly says something about my impression of this wildly successful woman in our culture.

Oprah has been interviewing and speaking with Eckhart Tolle every week, along with other spiritual leaders, and it has been a welcome, necessary reminder of the need for presence and surrender. It has been freeing to remember that the suffering I can feel so acutely is actually often just the mind finding problems to solve, doing what it does best. It has also been empowering to remember that the mind is the servant or the assistant of the self. It is not the self. It is strange how such a small shift can make such a huge difference in contentment.

I explained in previous posts what I gained or lost, happily, by surrendering to the moment, to presence, or to the universe. I would like to make surrender a bigger part of my every day life and would like to challenge myself somehow to make this a habit, rather than an occasional happening. I am not certain how I will do this, but perhaps I can add 5 minutes of meditation, intention setting, and presence before or after something that I do everyday. I think I would function best if I can track success in some way, so maybe that will be blogging everyday still, even if I decrease the word count to 250? I am not sure what I will do. BUT, I have already added more presence to my days, but I can be more intentional, I think. I will have to bring it to the soul and see what she says 😜.

Sometimes I feel a heat or a panic when I act out of ego or from my mind. I want to feel peace even when the answers or steps are not clear. I want to have more fun, more joy, and even more laughter. I am very happy and everything I want could be mine if I gave in, surrendered. I do have blocks, though, and can feel a need for work in this area. Maybe, surrender is like a muscle and can be strengthened by using it. There is only one way to find out, I suppose. So, I will keep seeking out the message, through the teachers I have already found and potentially new ones. We will see what I find, and if this path feels good, maybe this will be my focus for the next 8 days of the #My500Words challenge. As a side note, I cannot believe I have almost completed this challenge. How epic!

Until next time, mates!