Day 43: A More Graceful Passion

My 500 Words

I am not feeling much inspiration to write today. I think when I get to the 50 day mark, I will change my schedule to 5 days/ week or perhaps just allow myself some time off. Maybe I need a goal with the writing. I enjoy it because it helps me think things through. I have always thought best through my fingers or a pen…it clarifies the chaos inside and puts it into a format that I can manage.

Spirituality has been a theme of my life lately, a mostly interesting and inspiring place to spend mental energy. But, I do find myself equally into the spirituality and skeptical of allowing it into my life. I am a spiritual person, and I want to be connected to both the earth and universal energy. However, I don’t want to go so deep that I can’t see the trees in the forest. I want to pray and meditate and practice presence, but I just want to be myself while I do that. Contemplating who I am and which voices are which in my head is EXHAUSTING! And, not all that important.

I think, for me, the most important thing is to know that I am part of the energy that is everyone and everything. I am part of the father, the son, and the holy spirit…the inner being, the source, and the mind. There are so many ways to describe the things we have always known in so many religions for so long. These spiritual beliefs can be beautiful, and they can also be corrupted. They can be radicalized, and they can be exploited.

My goal is to be a spiritual person in the most boring sense of the word. I just want to live, to experience the beautiful and magical world that we live in and to give thanks. My spiritual practice is to be grateful and to be present. I don’t want to overthink the magic. I want to accept it and trust in it, as I always have. But, mostly, I want to have fun and feel alive and safe. I want to have roots, wings, adventure, and safety. I want it all. I plan to live a life of delight and love and laughter. I want to experience the world in presence and joy and understanding. I want to show compassion and care, without sacrificing my joy or dreaming.

I am seeking a life of abundance, and I am finding it…But, I cannot think too deeply or too much anymore. It tires me. Instead, I am trusting, knowing, and living each day and each moment. Career-wise, I often feel like a square peg in a round hole and, at times, defensive about it. I am in changing my mindset to finding something that aligns with me, not with the world. I am finding my way into a passion that looks like Grace, a passion that looks like me, talks like me, and makes me feel more like me.

Day 37: Walking into Transcendence

My 500 Words

I am doing well today. I wasn’t always doing well, but I just got home from a great walk, a way that allowed me and my boyfriend to transcend. What is transcendence? Transcendence is, according to dictionary.com, existence or experience beyond the normal or physical level. So, how did my walk allow me to transcend. Great question.

My boyfriend was in an agitated state, and I wanted to take a walk (actually I always want to take a walk). So, we went together to work through his upset. It worked, but, as usual, not the way one might expect. As we walked and talked, he asked me an important question, “Am I always angry?”. Now, I am a smart lady. I wasn’t about to start an argument, so I told him that he is often affected in a way that is negative by life events that he cannot control or avoid. He thought for a while, and then we continued on talking and walking.

As we both talked about our blocks and better ways to manage anger, we found ourselves walking right into a higher state of consciousness. We started talking about how when we change our perspective, we can be separate from our angst about a situation and how changing our mindsets can actually change our life. I talked about my job and how I can often talk myself into being happy, and he noted the same. If we give up our attachment to life working out in the way we think it should, we can often gain a great deal and live happier lives. Not so easily done, but also not often said. So, that was really great.

We ended the walk with honest talks about how we want to approach our future. It was freeing in a lot of ways. I often feel like he is ready to put down roots while I am searching for a new pair of wings on the internet. We are alike in so many ways, but while he craves structure and finality, I like open-ended and undefined. Often, I am, by appearances, avoiding a topic of conversation, when in reality it is just totally not on my radar! I guess it is good to be opposites in some ways.

He keeps me grounded to the facts, and I push him to leave the door open for possibility. I don’t know if I actually do this, but it sounds so nice and dreamy! I wish all of life could be put into a little box, like a cute sentence, and it would describe its amazing complexity. Wait a second…no I don’t! Life is complex and sometimes overwhelming, but holy crap, it can be so amazing and exciting if we can stay open to its wonders.

Maybe I can’t sum up a relationship or the universe into a sweet tagline, but I don’t want to. Maybe I will keep trying or maybe I will give up. What I do know is that good things are on the horizon, and I can’t wait to see what they are!

Day 23: Oprah Says Surrender

My 500 Words

My posts for the past few days have centered around surrender, particularly in regards to my professional path. Since having started to post about this, I am realizing (again) how important the concept and the action of surrender is.

In the past few months, I have started listening to Oprah’s podcasts. While I haven’t been an Oprah advocate in the past, I didn’t dislike her. I just didn’t think she was for me. I thought she was for older women with kids who needed company while they were home alone during the day. I wanted something uplifting to listen to during the day while walking to town, cleaning, etc. I instantly thought of Oprah, so that certainly says something about my impression of this wildly successful woman in our culture.

Oprah has been interviewing and speaking with Eckhart Tolle every week, along with other spiritual leaders, and it has been a welcome, necessary reminder of the need for presence and surrender. It has been freeing to remember that the suffering I can feel so acutely is actually often just the mind finding problems to solve, doing what it does best. It has also been empowering to remember that the mind is the servant or the assistant of the self. It is not the self. It is strange how such a small shift can make such a huge difference in contentment.

I explained in previous posts what I gained or lost, happily, by surrendering to the moment, to presence, or to the universe. I would like to make surrender a bigger part of my every day life and would like to challenge myself somehow to make this a habit, rather than an occasional happening. I am not certain how I will do this, but perhaps I can add 5 minutes of meditation, intention setting, and presence before or after something that I do everyday. I think I would function best if I can track success in some way, so maybe that will be blogging everyday still, even if I decrease the word count to 250? I am not sure what I will do. BUT, I have already added more presence to my days, but I can be more intentional, I think. I will have to bring it to the soul and see what she says 😜.

Sometimes I feel a heat or a panic when I act out of ego or from my mind. I want to feel peace even when the answers or steps are not clear. I want to have more fun, more joy, and even more laughter. I am very happy and everything I want could be mine if I gave in, surrendered. I do have blocks, though, and can feel a need for work in this area. Maybe, surrender is like a muscle and can be strengthened by using it. There is only one way to find out, I suppose. So, I will keep seeking out the message, through the teachers I have already found and potentially new ones. We will see what I find, and if this path feels good, maybe this will be my focus for the next 8 days of the #My500Words challenge. As a side note, I cannot believe I have almost completed this challenge. How epic!

Until next time, mates!