mind

Day 45: A garden fit for gods, but no flowers!

My 500 Words

My mom is in town this weekend, so my writing today comes to you early in the morning before she wakes up. I am suffering from a stiff neck, which I am attributing to tension while driving up and down the state yesterday. We went to visit the Garden of the Gods near Colorado Springs. I had never been before and it was a perfectly accessible start to the trip for my mom, who was worried about too much walking. It was really nice and the weather was good.

The most fascinating part was thinking about how those rocks got there, having previously been underwater and also home to dinosaurs. They find fossils from dinosaurs there frequently (comparatively speaking). The now park and national landmark, was given its name by 2 European purveyors in the mid 1800s that realized the area and the rock formations provided a garden that was fit for Gods! So, there you have it. The part about finding fossils all of the time feels real, but that was an exaggeration. I don’t actually know if that is true. I believe they have found at least one šŸ˜‚.

It made me think of Sedona, which has beautiful rocks formations that are red and magnificent to behold. I told my mom how much she would just LOVE Sedona. And, I vow to take her there for a weekend. It would be really great for her. It is a place built on the beauty of the Southwest and the energetic healing principles of both ancient and new age beliefs. Isn’t it interesting how much of what we call “new age” is just ancient beliefs recycled, rediscovered, or appropriated. T’ain’t nothing new in this world of ours!

My mom said her best energy, according to I guess the energy doctor, was in Colorado or Hawaii. And, she then became wistful about having never belonged in the place she was. But, she did belong. We all belong eventually, as we slightly mold and change to fit our place. Or maybe it is not that serious. Maybe, we are all just playing and the outcome doesn’t really matter. So if the outcome doesn’t really matter and everything is fun and games, what is it that you want for yourself?

Do you want to be an author? Yes. Do you want to be a comedian? Sure. Do you want to skydive all day? Ehhhh. Do you want to bake cookies? I will eat them. Do you want to watch T.V. ? No… Do you want to make people pretty? Not desperately, but I am happy if they are pretty. Do you want to learn how to dance? That would be fun. Do you want to spend it pleasing someone you don’t even like? No. Do you want to feel bad about yourself? No. Do you want to feel alive? YES. Do you want to worry? Ugh, No.Ā Do you want to be joyful? Bloody abundant in joy, mate. Do you want to feel love and to give it? Everyday.Ā  Are you ready to be more specific? Do I need to be?

Day 33: Peace & Stillness> Desperation

My 500 Words

Each day that I write, I find myself negating something that I wrote the previous day. That isn’t that cool! But, I find myself here today. So, a few posts ago, I said I was going to manifest pink elephants or a yellow Volkswagen. I was trying to manipulate the universe into telling me a secret about myself…instead of asking and trusting myself. The truth is, I did see pink elephants today on a pair of pajama pants, but I don’t care. The truth is that I would like to have more creativity and explore more creative outlets. This doesn’t necessarily mean that my job has to be creative. When did I start equating my job with my sole source of happiness? Oh, right. When I was like 9 years old, haha. This has been a bit of a struggle for me for many years.

So, for now…I am going to stay in my job or at least make no active pursuits to change my job until I explore my creative side in my regular life for a while first. Or maybe not. That might be a promise I can’t make and that I don’t mean. Maybe what I will do is stop worrying about everything and putting a label or a name on it. Maybe…I will not even do that. Maybe, I will just be, as I am right now without trying. How tough is this presence stuff, huh?! I feel like I should always be striving, trying, and working towards something. But, that can just lead me around in circles. That is not the life I want.

The life I want is big, beautiful and inspired. I can go in one direction and change my mind. I can do multiple things at once and take big, fun risks and exjoy the peace and quite of certainty in the moment. I do not have to accept a future I do not want, but I do have the accept the moment, the only thing that matters…the present moment. Why is that so hard to do? The mind is wired to think about the future, based on the past. It is so good, but it can also be so bad. It can leave us spinning around in the what-ifs and the what-could-haves. I need to let those go. Or, rather, I need to get back to the moment, which lets those go naturally. All we have is now. The beautiful now.

I don’t want to wonder if things are where they should be. There is no should be. There is only now. Maybe at 29, I should be somewhere else according to the mind. But, according to the present, I am exactly where I was meant to be. All good things flow from this moment. In fact, everything flows from this moment, period. I don’t want to brand. I just want to be. I don’t want to market. I just want to flow. Flow. Flow. Flow. Like the river, sometimes fast and sometimes slow, occasionally high and occasionally low. Always in flow ā¤ .

Day 29: Blue Duck Manifestation on Fleek

My 500 Words

I mentioned in my post yesterday that I was working to manifest a blue duck…any kind of blue duck in any kind of format. I just needed it to be called to my attention. It had to be obvious to me that there was a blue duck in my life as a result of this phenomenon. I did all the things. I thought about it, visualized seeing it, imagined how happy I would be, thanked the world for showing me this duck, and then accepted that I might not see it and that was okay. I did all of that. I had some doubts for a while and then my beautiful ADD brain forgot about it after a few hours. Life went on.

I just started watching “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” on Amazon Prime and have been enjoying it. Last night was my second night diving in and my mind was pretty absorbed in the show. In an emotional scene, she and her ex husband were having words in his new living room and she was livid about the decor. Then, she walks over to the mantle and picks up a decorative ornament and yells, “DUCKS!” or something to that effect. Then, she took the BLUE duck and slammed it back down on the mantle. The duck became a centerpiece of the scene. She kept going back and picking up the duck and waving it around threatening to smash it, I think. In any case, there was my blue duck.

It NEVER ceases to amaze me how the mind can go through every scenario of what can happen and be totally wrong or negligent even. I thought of SO MANY bizarre ways that I might see a blue duck…I thought of crazy, outlandish things happening to me. This doesn’t seem to the energetic ways of the universe. The path of least resistance seems to work. It is strange, though. The blue duck would have existed in that show whether I had asked to see one or not. Does my intuition exist within the same time constraints? Could my intuition see that my future involved the visualization a blue duck? Am I in control? Or, did I draw that duck to me, with my energetic call-out? Did I put into effect a series of possible blue duck sightings and me feeling pulled to continue watching the popular Amazon series was just part of that manifestation? Did that last sentence even make sense???!

I have no idea about all of it. But, I would like to continue this experimentation. Some of the talks have been a little too out there for me. They have pushed juuuuuust past what I either can believe or am ready to believe so I may be taking a break from everything except manifestation, mindfulness and the present moment, plenty of woo woo left to work with. What should I try to manifest next? Also, do you think I am a nut job? Same! It is ok, but maybe we can have some fun and experience some magic if we are lucky.

In any case, I have been contemplating a professional shift…as always. But, I want to be more intentional than I have in the past. Maybe this is a mistake. I have internal inklings that my next move should be to a more creative path, perhaps involving design in some capacity. That is really all I have so far, and I may not even have that. SO, if my next step in life involves design or being more creative, I want to manifest a yellow Volkswagen Beetle. If it isn’t or if I should stop thinking about it and focus on my current job, I want to manifest a pink elephant. Alright, there is some craziness to use against me in a court of law someday.

I will keep you updated and do all of the work that I need to in the meantime. Until tomorrow, friends!

Day 28: Blue Duck Manifestation

My 500 Words

Today is day 28! Wow. I can’t believe it has only been 28 days. If I am honest, I feel like I have been doing this for year. With well over 15,000 words, I am about 1/3 of the way done with my first non-fiction book šŸ˜‰.Ā  Kind of. In any case, I have gotten to the cool place where I post every day, sometimes personal details and sometimes not, and I don’t care who reads it. That is a beautiful thing.

Maybe I will write my first book via blog posts everyday. If I get started on Day 32…that would mean I could reach 50,000 words in 100 days. CRAZY! That is nothing. Maybe my next goal will be 100 more days of blog posts. It has been really centering for me to write each and every day. It has been harder on the weekends, and I have a lot of trips coming up…maybe I could absorb the word count into other days to make up for it? I’m not sure yet. Or maybe, I bring a damn notebook and crank it out. That might be what the universe has in store for me!

Speaking of the universe, today I went for a pretty solid walk and thought a lot of blue ducks. I was thinking that it has been a while since I have purposefully manifested anything into my life. I do think that I manifested my boyfriend as well as my job, but that has been a little while now. I am ready for change in some areas of my life, but I have lost practice! So, I asked the universe to show me a blue duck…any kind of blue duck anywhere and anytime. That is where I left it. Since, I have been trying to feel what it is like to see that blue duck and to know that everything is great with or without seeing the blue duck….my trust remains the same. The last part, I admit, has been a struggle for me. How do I let go of my attachment to the outcome? How do I ask for a blue duck and then stop caring about the damn duck?? Therein lies the secret sauce to this whole manifestation thing. I guess I have to know and trust the universe will and already does have my back whether the blue duck shows up on my doorstep or not.

In order to get into a good “flow”, if you will,Ā  I did a 10 minute meditation. While meditating, I noticed my jaw was aching so bad! I couldn’t focus on anything else. It led me to wonder whether I carry tension in my jaw all the time and whether it hurts all the time! Am I spending so much time in my head with all the noise that I don’t notice that my jaw hurts so bad?! It blew my mind honestly. That is how bad it hurt.

I am not sure exactly what is going on, whether it is from sleeping or from sore shoulder and chest muscles pulling, but I will be paying much more attention to these sensations and hopefully meditating more as a result of this new interest!

Day 27: Protect Your Energy!

My 500 Words

Do you follow your soul? I think I do most of the time, but I have learned over time that my interpretation of my soul can actually be from a different source within me. Sometimes, it is a place of panic or fear dressed as the soul. The soul is never panicked. The soul knows there is plenty of time.

I have been going through some frustrations over a friend I have known most of my life and a growing realization of the nature of said friendship. It hasn’t always been a nurturing or growing relationship, and while I knew this, I chose to ignore it for most of my life. That said, current conditions have led me to interact with or around this person quite a bit lately. It has led me both to insanity and since a greater sense of clarity. So for that, I am grateful.

The situation had me angry pretty often and feeling very misused and taken for granted, not a brand new feeling in this particular friendship. I am not sure if it was the moment, the situation, or something else, but I hit the wall of what I can tolerate. I have almost entirely stopped taking calls from them and others. I find calls to be a deeply intrusive part of my day…like this better be an emergency. We can communicate by text and I don’t have to halt my life to listen to someone breathe.

Now that I think about it, this was something I blogged about towards the beginning of the challenge, prioritizing the time of others and my relationships over myself. Perhaps this is just a step in the right direction. When my phone rings, I think of a pretty picture with words that a friend sent me on instagram…”I reserve the right to protect my energy.” And, I do. I reserve the goddamn right to protect my fricken peace and my fricken energy. Because that shit is beautiful and it runs out some days. So, I need to make sure I have enough of it to last.

So, I have taken on this mindset that my time matters and that I alone can choose how to spend it. In this, I have let a lot of my anger go. When I took responsibility for answering that phone call at an inconvenient hour or stopping what I was doing to be a therapist, I realized I could stop. Immediately. Without anything terrible happening to anyone. She probably just called someone else. In doing this, I have let go of so much anger surrounding her and this situation. It was a gift, but I was too busy taking care of my time and my energy to notice.

Another friend of mine, however, did notice. We were chatting on the phone (after I called her back at a better time :)) and she asked about the situation. I told her that it was status quo but that it was fine. I told her I let go of the outcome, of how everything shakes out…and that I felt better about it. I didn’t think much of it, but she was so impressed. She commended me on how I seemed to be handling the situation.

I didn’t do it for anyone to think I did a good job. I just did it for myself, and it took my friend asking me for me to see how far I have come. Claps all around for protecting your energy. Keep that up lasses and lads!

 

Day 26: Alignment, Huh?

My 500 Words

Alignment. It has a word I have been hearing about a lot lately in my search for meaning…or rather my search to get more of what I “want” out of my life.

Dictionary.com defines it has “arrangement in a straight line, or in correct or appropriate relative positions” or “a position of agreement or alliance.”

In the world of manifestation and soul-stuff, alignment tends to mean the state in which we can better hear and respond to our inner voice or intuition. Is this what it means to you? I am just a learner here and figuring it all out as I go. As the story goes, everyone finds alignment differently. For some, it is through exercise or work, and for others, it might be through sipping a favorite tea and journaling. The point is that you are more receptive and aware while in this state of alignment. I am not sure when I am most aligned. I have felt great alignment, I think, after some yoga classes, meditation, writing, walking, or even running. I have felt it after listening to a great talk or reading a poem. I am not sure in this moment what that is. Maybe that is because, as Jess Lively said on her podcast that I listened to today, your optimum alignment is shifting and changing as you shift and change.
Our intuition leads us to the expression of ourselves that is optimized in our direction of growth, so our optimum state of alignment is constantly shifting as we grow. How beautiful but also how frustrating. Like exercise, like diet, and like relationships, there is no stagnancy in this life. We either keep growing or get lost.
While this resonates with what I know is true, my mind and maybe even deeper parts of me feel tired by this reality. I have found the optimum moment in relationships, and it feels like we are at the peak of this place we can stay forever. Then, something changes, whether quickly or slowly, and we are back at a brand new square one that we aren’t sure how to navigate from. Perhaps this is why there is divorce and breakups, and perhaps this is why it can be an almost natural progression for some people. They loved. They grew. They tried to make it work, but their growth didn’t align with the relationship. They moved on.
In this moment, I am not married or divorced, but I am committed to making many relationships in my life work. I guess this is why people say that shit takes work, even the relationship with yourself. I have found my, or what I thought was my, peak self many times over. Then, I change and have to relearn how to nourish myself optimally. In many ways, I am grateful for this surprise and the journeys it can lead to. I guess this is how the soul is exciting, not boring and content like the mind says it is.
Growth means new experiences, and that is never boring.

 

Day 23: Oprah Says Surrender

My 500 Words

My posts for the past few days have centered around surrender, particularly in regards to my professional path. Since having started to post about this, I am realizing (again) how important the concept and the action of surrender is.

In the past few months, I have started listening to Oprah’s podcasts. While I haven’t been an Oprah advocate in the past, I didn’t dislike her. I just didn’t think she was for me. I thought she was for older women with kids who needed company while they were home alone during the day. I wanted something uplifting to listen to during the day while walking to town, cleaning, etc. I instantly thought of Oprah, so that certainly says something about my impression of this wildly successful woman in our culture.

Oprah has been interviewing and speaking with Eckhart Tolle every week, along with other spiritual leaders, and it has been a welcome, necessary reminder of the need for presence and surrender. It has been freeing to remember that the suffering I can feel so acutely is actually often just the mind finding problems to solve, doing what it does best. It has also been empowering to remember that the mind is the servant or the assistant of the self. It is not the self. It is strange how such a small shift can make such a huge difference in contentment.

I explained in previous posts what I gained or lost, happily, by surrendering to the moment, to presence, or to the universe. I would like to make surrender a bigger part of my every day life and would like to challenge myself somehow to make this a habit, rather than an occasional happening. I am not certain how I will do this, but perhaps I can add 5 minutes of meditation, intention setting, and presence before or after something that I do everyday. I think I would function best if I can track success in some way, so maybe that will be blogging everyday still, even if I decrease the word count to 250? I am not sure what I will do. BUT, I have already added more presence to my days, but I can be more intentional, I think. I will have to bring it to the soul and see what she says šŸ˜œ.

Sometimes I feel a heat or a panic when I act out of ego or from my mind. I want to feel peace even when the answers or steps are not clear. I want to have more fun, more joy, and even more laughter. I am very happy and everything I want could be mine if I gave in, surrendered. I do have blocks, though, and can feel a need for work in this area. Maybe, surrender is like a muscle and can be strengthened by using it. There is only one way to find out, I suppose. So, I will keep seeking out the message, through the teachers I have already found and potentially new ones. We will see what I find, and if this path feels good, maybe this will be my focus for the next 8 days of the #My500Words challenge. As a side note, I cannot believe I have almost completed this challenge. How epic!

Until next time, mates!

Day 15: The Pain of Possibility

My 500 Words

I have been waking up for the past 15 years or so in the middle of the night in a panic. It doesn’t happen all the time or even often anymore, but it happens. When I was about 14 or 15, I hit some kind of awareness threshold. Thank you very much, marijuana. All of the sudden, I became aware of the terrifying fact that I was alive and, subsequently, became paralyzed with the fear of what that meant.

I had been in my childlike mind up until that point, accepting my reality as it was, never wondering what else was out there, aside from the prospect of a fun vacation of course. Life and reality felt fragile suddenly. It felt like one strong wind could change everything, could change me. I grew fearful of things that seemed to happen to people around me or more likely, on TV and movies. Questions like “how does someone become a murderer? or a bad person? or a lunatic?” began to trouble my tired brain. “Could I become this? Could I become that?” And then it grew into thoughts like “am I actually that? am I suppressing this?” Suffice to say, no one could really ease my worries. I was in the grip.

Admittedly and regrettably, I still find myself in this grip in some ways. I am still overcome with the anxiety of existing and not knowing all of the answers, but wanting to. I wonder if this is common. I wonder if we are all walking around scared to death of becoming like this person or like that person that we heard about on the news. I wonder if it is just me. Or, the likely answer, is it just those of us on planet earth that deal with a similar brand of mental illness that share in these thoughts. Perhaps we are the internally obsessive and tortured crew that spends evenings staring at the ceiling wondering if we are going to accumulate multiple personalities soon or if we are already have and are just not yet aware of it. Will we ever be aware of it? Ah the cycle could continue forever.

Last night, I found myself googling some cognitive behavioral therapies for obsessive compulsive thoughts and behaviors. I find myself doing this a lot, as a self-diagnosed person with an interest in living a more stress-free life. It is helpful, but I find the craziness to be my baseline state internally. Externally, things are usually grand. I have stresses, but they don’t get to me too terribly. It is my inner, less rational fears that occupy more space. This might mean I am mentally ill, just like you :).

I still struggle and still could do much more to manage my mental health, but I often find more solace in the acceptance that this is sometimes normal in this life. We can be sad, anxious, worried, or even obsessed with things we know are either not real or not real enough to matter, and that is OK. Sometimes, we may fall victim to their temptations, and sometimes, we may be so exhausted with the idea of all of the madness that we tell it to “get lost, loser!” and go back to sleep. I hope that tonight I fall into the category of the latter tonight.

XO