Day 43: A More Graceful Passion

My 500 Words

I am not feeling much inspiration to write today. I think when I get to the 50 day mark, I will change my schedule to 5 days/ week or perhaps just allow myself some time off. Maybe I need a goal with the writing. I enjoy it because it helps me think things through. I have always thought best through my fingers or a pen…it clarifies the chaos inside and puts it into a format that I can manage.

Spirituality has been a theme of my life lately, a mostly interesting and inspiring place to spend mental energy. But, I do find myself equally into the spirituality and skeptical of allowing it into my life. I am a spiritual person, and I want to be connected to both the earth and universal energy. However, I don’t want to go so deep that I can’t see the trees in the forest. I want to pray and meditate and practice presence, but I just want to be myself while I do that. Contemplating who I am and which voices are which in my head is EXHAUSTING! And, not all that important.

I think, for me, the most important thing is to know that I am part of the energy that is everyone and everything. I am part of the father, the son, and the holy spirit…the inner being, the source, and the mind. There are so many ways to describe the things we have always known in so many religions for so long. These spiritual beliefs can be beautiful, and they can also be corrupted. They can be radicalized, and they can be exploited.

My goal is to be a spiritual person in the most boring sense of the word. I just want to live, to experience the beautiful and magical world that we live in and to give thanks. My spiritual practice is to be grateful and to be present. I don’t want to overthink the magic. I want to accept it and trust in it, as I always have. But, mostly, I want to have fun and feel alive and safe. I want to have roots, wings, adventure, and safety. I want it all. I plan to live a life of delight and love and laughter. I want to experience the world in presence and joy and understanding. I want to show compassion and care, without sacrificing my joy or dreaming.

I am seeking a life of abundance, and I am finding it…But, I cannot think too deeply or too much anymore. It tires me. Instead, I am trusting, knowing, and living each day and each moment. Career-wise, I often feel like a square peg in a round hole and, at times, defensive about it. I am in changing my mindset to finding something that aligns with me, not with the world. I am finding my way into a passion that looks like Grace, a passion that looks like me, talks like me, and makes me feel more like me.

Day 40: Juuuuust Breatheeeeee

My 500 Words

Today I was introduced to the term “resonant breathing” because I joined a yoga challenge. The yoga challenge sent an email reminding us that it is the first day of the challenge and included an advertisement for a breathing app and a blurb about resonant breathing. It was cool to learn about resonant breathing, and give it a name. I have always just referred to it as “deep breathing,” but I like that it has a name and a clear definition.

Resonant breathing is the slowing of breath to 3-7 breaths per minute and effectively changing and regulating the autonomic nervous system, along with other systems of the body. People who do this regularly are opening themselves up to a host of potential benefits, from the brain to the heart to the lungs. As I read the article this morning, I took a few resonant breaths and felt really good afterwards. It was a brilliant start to the day and even helped me to move my tired tush out of bed.

Today, I completed by first day of a 21-day yoga challenge with Wanderlust. I found an issue cropping up that I noticed during a recent meditation. My jaw was just aching…so much so that I found much of the flow hard to follow. How could I focus on breathing while also tending to the crazy stiff and sore feeling in my jaw?!

Now, I am no stranger to jaw pain. I had TMJ as a child that was so bad I wouldn’t be able to open my mouth to chew or speak. I would slide crackers in at lunch in 8th grade and let them dissolve. It was bizarre. Then, I made the big girl move at 18 years young to bite the bullet and get jaw surgery… a surgery where they would break my jaw, re-align it, and then tack it back on with some hardware. The pain during that procedure, the procedure that included a cute little wiring up of my BRACES. That is right. I elected to get braces as an 18 year old to put my jaw issues behind me.

Naturally, when my jaw hurts, I get slightly panicked and worry that I am going to have to replay my old experiences or something somehow worse. The memories of slurping pediasure through a straw while crying are enough to last a lifetime. So, I took to the web and found what was clearly the culprit and thank god! I have been lifting weight regularly for the past 2 weeks and working out. This includes a lot of strain on my neck, something I internally complain about frequently throughout my workout. Bless. My neck is just tight. This is a big deal. Don’t get me wrong, but PHEW! I can stretch and love my neck back to health and (hopefully) eliminate my jaw pain. STAY TUNED for updates on this super sexy and super interesting part of my life. Perhaps this yoga challenge will help get me started on a more holistic stretching/yogic routine. Namaste.

Day 37: Walking into Transcendence

My 500 Words

I am doing well today. I wasn’t always doing well, but I just got home from a great walk, a way that allowed me and my boyfriend to transcend. What is transcendence? Transcendence is, according to dictionary.com, existence or experience beyond the normal or physical level. So, how did my walk allow me to transcend. Great question.

My boyfriend was in an agitated state, and I wanted to take a walk (actually I always want to take a walk). So, we went together to work through his upset. It worked, but, as usual, not the way one might expect. As we walked and talked, he asked me an important question, “Am I always angry?”. Now, I am a smart lady. I wasn’t about to start an argument, so I told him that he is often affected in a way that is negative by life events that he cannot control or avoid. He thought for a while, and then we continued on talking and walking.

As we both talked about our blocks and better ways to manage anger, we found ourselves walking right into a higher state of consciousness. We started talking about how when we change our perspective, we can be separate from our angst about a situation and how changing our mindsets can actually change our life. I talked about my job and how I can often talk myself into being happy, and he noted the same. If we give up our attachment to life working out in the way we think it should, we can often gain a great deal and live happier lives. Not so easily done, but also not often said. So, that was really great.

We ended the walk with honest talks about how we want to approach our future. It was freeing in a lot of ways. I often feel like he is ready to put down roots while I am searching for a new pair of wings on the internet. We are alike in so many ways, but while he craves structure and finality, I like open-ended and undefined. Often, I am, by appearances, avoiding a topic of conversation, when in reality it is just totally not on my radar! I guess it is good to be opposites in some ways.

He keeps me grounded to the facts, and I push him to leave the door open for possibility. I don’t know if I actually do this, but it sounds so nice and dreamy! I wish all of life could be put into a little box, like a cute sentence, and it would describe its amazing complexity. Wait a second…no I don’t! Life is complex and sometimes overwhelming, but holy crap, it can be so amazing and exciting if we can stay open to its wonders.

Maybe I can’t sum up a relationship or the universe into a sweet tagline, but I don’t want to. Maybe I will keep trying or maybe I will give up. What I do know is that good things are on the horizon, and I can’t wait to see what they are!

Day 33: Peace & Stillness> Desperation

My 500 Words

Each day that I write, I find myself negating something that I wrote the previous day. That isn’t that cool! But, I find myself here today. So, a few posts ago, I said I was going to manifest pink elephants or a yellow Volkswagen. I was trying to manipulate the universe into telling me a secret about myself…instead of asking and trusting myself. The truth is, I did see pink elephants today on a pair of pajama pants, but I don’t care. The truth is that I would like to have more creativity and explore more creative outlets. This doesn’t necessarily mean that my job has to be creative. When did I start equating my job with my sole source of happiness? Oh, right. When I was like 9 years old, haha. This has been a bit of a struggle for me for many years.

So, for now…I am going to stay in my job or at least make no active pursuits to change my job until I explore my creative side in my regular life for a while first. Or maybe not. That might be a promise I can’t make and that I don’t mean. Maybe what I will do is stop worrying about everything and putting a label or a name on it. Maybe…I will not even do that. Maybe, I will just be, as I am right now without trying. How tough is this presence stuff, huh?! I feel like I should always be striving, trying, and working towards something. But, that can just lead me around in circles. That is not the life I want.

The life I want is big, beautiful and inspired. I can go in one direction and change my mind. I can do multiple things at once and take big, fun risks and exjoy the peace and quite of certainty in the moment. I do not have to accept a future I do not want, but I do have the accept the moment, the only thing that matters…the present moment. Why is that so hard to do? The mind is wired to think about the future, based on the past. It is so good, but it can also be so bad. It can leave us spinning around in the what-ifs and the what-could-haves. I need to let those go. Or, rather, I need to get back to the moment, which lets those go naturally. All we have is now. The beautiful now.

I don’t want to wonder if things are where they should be. There is no should be. There is only now. Maybe at 29, I should be somewhere else according to the mind. But, according to the present, I am exactly where I was meant to be. All good things flow from this moment. In fact, everything flows from this moment, period. I don’t want to brand. I just want to be. I don’t want to market. I just want to flow. Flow. Flow. Flow. Like the river, sometimes fast and sometimes slow, occasionally high and occasionally low. Always in flow ❤ .

Day 30: Magnets Don’t Work Like That

My 500 Words

Yesterday I posted about manifestation and detailed a professional shift I wanted to make. I feel like I made a mistake in my approach, though. I basically asked universal forces to tell me what I should do or what I was supposed to do. However, more and more, I don’t think that we are SUPPOSED to do anything. I think we can choose what we want to do and life, and we can work towards it and try to attract it by matching the energy of that thing. I think.

I think (just my current unformed opinion) that we can decide what it is that we want and vibrate towards that thing and that thing towards us. I think that we can, at any time, change our minds as well. I don’t know that a belief in the existence of a grand plan serves me. I don’t want to be the victim of some predetermined destiny. I want to be the architect and creator of my life.

I was once in a bad relationship in which all of the stars aligned in such a way to present us as “meant to be.” In the end, it was a damaging relationship and not one that I would choose to be in. I felt trapped by the synchronicity that surrounded us. It was a strange feeling. When I broke free, it was amazing. I felt like a weight had been lifted and life was full of possibility when we broke up. I felt like I was in a soul prison, and I felt so sad that that universe seemed to want me to be with him.

I am not sure if that experience was just a necessary part of my journey or if I attracted it, but it made me skeptical of taking synchronicity. And maybe, that is a really good thing. I am in a great relationship now, one in which I feel supported and happy for the better part of my days. And, we are best friends. Even with that knowledge of the mind and experience coupled with the synchronicity that exists in our relationship, I keep an open mindset, with a tinge of caution and an understanding that I will be okay regardless of what transpires in our relationship.

Perhaps this is some energetic, spiritual lesson. Or, perhaps this is just life and maturity. In any case, follow your arrow where ever it points (Kasey Musgraves lyric shout out). And, if it doesn’t feel good anymore, stop doing it. Don’t give up at the first sight of hardships, of course. When I say “feel good”, I am talking about the soul stuff, not the momentary pains of being a person doing a thing. The universe may seem to tell you a thing, try it. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, don’t feel beholden to anything other than the experience of your soul telling you yes or no. There is no glory in fighting this voice. It brings pain, even if you don’t understand it. The unfortunate side is that the mind can also bring great pain, but it is pain we can generally look at as a thing that doesn’t have to happen. Soul pain is not a thought; it is just feeling. Feel your soul into light spaces, and I think it will make things better. But, what do I know? I just know me and my experience thus far. That is all. Happy Friday.

 

Day 29: Blue Duck Manifestation on Fleek

My 500 Words

I mentioned in my post yesterday that I was working to manifest a blue duck…any kind of blue duck in any kind of format. I just needed it to be called to my attention. It had to be obvious to me that there was a blue duck in my life as a result of this phenomenon. I did all the things. I thought about it, visualized seeing it, imagined how happy I would be, thanked the world for showing me this duck, and then accepted that I might not see it and that was okay. I did all of that. I had some doubts for a while and then my beautiful ADD brain forgot about it after a few hours. Life went on.

I just started watching “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” on Amazon Prime and have been enjoying it. Last night was my second night diving in and my mind was pretty absorbed in the show. In an emotional scene, she and her ex husband were having words in his new living room and she was livid about the decor. Then, she walks over to the mantle and picks up a decorative ornament and yells, “DUCKS!” or something to that effect. Then, she took the BLUE duck and slammed it back down on the mantle. The duck became a centerpiece of the scene. She kept going back and picking up the duck and waving it around threatening to smash it, I think. In any case, there was my blue duck.

It NEVER ceases to amaze me how the mind can go through every scenario of what can happen and be totally wrong or negligent even. I thought of SO MANY bizarre ways that I might see a blue duck…I thought of crazy, outlandish things happening to me. This doesn’t seem to the energetic ways of the universe. The path of least resistance seems to work. It is strange, though. The blue duck would have existed in that show whether I had asked to see one or not. Does my intuition exist within the same time constraints? Could my intuition see that my future involved the visualization a blue duck? Am I in control? Or, did I draw that duck to me, with my energetic call-out? Did I put into effect a series of possible blue duck sightings and me feeling pulled to continue watching the popular Amazon series was just part of that manifestation? Did that last sentence even make sense???!

I have no idea about all of it. But, I would like to continue this experimentation. Some of the talks have been a little too out there for me. They have pushed juuuuuust past what I either can believe or am ready to believe so I may be taking a break from everything except manifestation, mindfulness and the present moment, plenty of woo woo left to work with. What should I try to manifest next? Also, do you think I am a nut job? Same! It is ok, but maybe we can have some fun and experience some magic if we are lucky.

In any case, I have been contemplating a professional shift…as always. But, I want to be more intentional than I have in the past. Maybe this is a mistake. I have internal inklings that my next move should be to a more creative path, perhaps involving design in some capacity. That is really all I have so far, and I may not even have that. SO, if my next step in life involves design or being more creative, I want to manifest a yellow Volkswagen Beetle. If it isn’t or if I should stop thinking about it and focus on my current job, I want to manifest a pink elephant. Alright, there is some craziness to use against me in a court of law someday.

I will keep you updated and do all of the work that I need to in the meantime. Until tomorrow, friends!

Day 28: Blue Duck Manifestation

My 500 Words

Today is day 28! Wow. I can’t believe it has only been 28 days. If I am honest, I feel like I have been doing this for year. With well over 15,000 words, I am about 1/3 of the way done with my first non-fiction book 😉.  Kind of. In any case, I have gotten to the cool place where I post every day, sometimes personal details and sometimes not, and I don’t care who reads it. That is a beautiful thing.

Maybe I will write my first book via blog posts everyday. If I get started on Day 32…that would mean I could reach 50,000 words in 100 days. CRAZY! That is nothing. Maybe my next goal will be 100 more days of blog posts. It has been really centering for me to write each and every day. It has been harder on the weekends, and I have a lot of trips coming up…maybe I could absorb the word count into other days to make up for it? I’m not sure yet. Or maybe, I bring a damn notebook and crank it out. That might be what the universe has in store for me!

Speaking of the universe, today I went for a pretty solid walk and thought a lot of blue ducks. I was thinking that it has been a while since I have purposefully manifested anything into my life. I do think that I manifested my boyfriend as well as my job, but that has been a little while now. I am ready for change in some areas of my life, but I have lost practice! So, I asked the universe to show me a blue duck…any kind of blue duck anywhere and anytime. That is where I left it. Since, I have been trying to feel what it is like to see that blue duck and to know that everything is great with or without seeing the blue duck….my trust remains the same. The last part, I admit, has been a struggle for me. How do I let go of my attachment to the outcome? How do I ask for a blue duck and then stop caring about the damn duck?? Therein lies the secret sauce to this whole manifestation thing. I guess I have to know and trust the universe will and already does have my back whether the blue duck shows up on my doorstep or not.

In order to get into a good “flow”, if you will,  I did a 10 minute meditation. While meditating, I noticed my jaw was aching so bad! I couldn’t focus on anything else. It led me to wonder whether I carry tension in my jaw all the time and whether it hurts all the time! Am I spending so much time in my head with all the noise that I don’t notice that my jaw hurts so bad?! It blew my mind honestly. That is how bad it hurt.

I am not sure exactly what is going on, whether it is from sleeping or from sore shoulder and chest muscles pulling, but I will be paying much more attention to these sensations and hopefully meditating more as a result of this new interest!

Day 26: Alignment, Huh?

My 500 Words

Alignment. It has a word I have been hearing about a lot lately in my search for meaning…or rather my search to get more of what I “want” out of my life.

Dictionary.com defines it has “arrangement in a straight line, or in correct or appropriate relative positions” or “a position of agreement or alliance.”

In the world of manifestation and soul-stuff, alignment tends to mean the state in which we can better hear and respond to our inner voice or intuition. Is this what it means to you? I am just a learner here and figuring it all out as I go. As the story goes, everyone finds alignment differently. For some, it is through exercise or work, and for others, it might be through sipping a favorite tea and journaling. The point is that you are more receptive and aware while in this state of alignment. I am not sure when I am most aligned. I have felt great alignment, I think, after some yoga classes, meditation, writing, walking, or even running. I have felt it after listening to a great talk or reading a poem. I am not sure in this moment what that is. Maybe that is because, as Jess Lively said on her podcast that I listened to today, your optimum alignment is shifting and changing as you shift and change.
Our intuition leads us to the expression of ourselves that is optimized in our direction of growth, so our optimum state of alignment is constantly shifting as we grow. How beautiful but also how frustrating. Like exercise, like diet, and like relationships, there is no stagnancy in this life. We either keep growing or get lost.
While this resonates with what I know is true, my mind and maybe even deeper parts of me feel tired by this reality. I have found the optimum moment in relationships, and it feels like we are at the peak of this place we can stay forever. Then, something changes, whether quickly or slowly, and we are back at a brand new square one that we aren’t sure how to navigate from. Perhaps this is why there is divorce and breakups, and perhaps this is why it can be an almost natural progression for some people. They loved. They grew. They tried to make it work, but their growth didn’t align with the relationship. They moved on.
In this moment, I am not married or divorced, but I am committed to making many relationships in my life work. I guess this is why people say that shit takes work, even the relationship with yourself. I have found my, or what I thought was my, peak self many times over. Then, I change and have to relearn how to nourish myself optimally. In many ways, I am grateful for this surprise and the journeys it can lead to. I guess this is how the soul is exciting, not boring and content like the mind says it is.
Growth means new experiences, and that is never boring.

 

Day 18: Pizza and Ponders

My 500 Words

Last night, I ate a lot of terrible pizza and cheesy bread. Pizza, even when bad, it’s good. This was kind of like that. My man and I came home from a fun, little evening out and decided we had just enough of the giggle juice to order some pizza from a place we didn’t know. The pizza was awful. It was a gigantic culinary defeat, even to two drunk people about to fall asleep. That being said, we still ate the entire thing, not a single crust left over. Needless to say, we woke up wondering whyyyyy. Alas, the past is in the past, and the only option is to move forward.

Despite my terrible late-night dinner, too many sugary drinks, and white, salty bread pulsing through my veins, I found a lot of joy in my Sunday. It was a day like any other, except I laughed more. So, that is good. We went to Ikea and bought some new furniture, which was exhausting, But, due to man friend’s hangry feels, we were able to go to a vegan restaurant in a cool Denver neighborhood that I like. We ate lots of vegan food that made me happy and him hungry an hour later.

I am only writing about this because I am feeling tapped on writing inspiration for the moment. I don’t really want to write. I want to post this, close my computer, grab a snack, and watch something funny. That is all. But, I made a commitment to write 500 words of anything at all…doesn’t have to be good or interesting. So, sometimes I must resort to writing about writing.

One fun thing that happened today also was that I had a dance party by myself and broke down into a laughing fit that turned to tears. If I had let myself, I would have just started balling sad tears…without having a true catalyst. I think my laughing was a release and things got so released that I was opening all emotional floodgates. I stopped it so as not to terrify my boyfriend, but it was odd nonetheless. I think I was just dancing and being so silly that I cracked myself up…literally…I might be insane. Oh well, I love a good laugh. I prefer to do it with friends, but if I must do it alone, so be it. And now, just less than 100 words until evening freedom!

I am trying to be more in the present, with the help of spiritual leaders like Eckhart Tolle. Maybe that is why I found such joy in goofy dancing. Maybe that is what the moment can feel like. Maybe I was dealing with the dizziness of joy. I am not sure, but I do know that in less than 40 words, I will be moving on and having completed this day. I love Eckhart’s focus on separating yourself from your mind. Really powerful stuff. You do feel more in control when a thought it a thought and a thought is not YOU!

I am done for the day! Yay! Peace out friends and take good care.

 

Day 7: Hypnotic Happiness

My 500 Words

Here I am on day 7 of the My500Word challenge! It has only been 7 days and approximately 4,000 words, but I have found this to be equal parts fun and challenging. Do you ever feel like you are just desperate to stay busy, to quiet your chaotic mind? Sometimes I feel like this is the source of much of my so-called ambition. I appear to the world as a calm, collected person, and for the most part, this is true. Inside my mind though, ideas are churning constantly and if I don’t have an outlet for this, I can grow very restless. This tends to manifest as either a compulsive outward need for activity or an inward drive for stimulation, which often means alone time. However, I am not really an introvert. I do need a certain amount of social interaction in order to feel like my best self, but balancing my need for internal stimulation and my need for company and socializing has proven to be difficult for me.

I write this in my last year of my 20s with no current solution, except to maybe try to avoid my need to compulsively seek outward stimulation to quiet my mind…at least to avoid it in any damaging manner. I feel more satisfied and alive when I have that balance between interaction with the world and interaction with my soul. Maybe in the end this is how we all feel. Maybe I am not so unique in this. And, if that is the case, what ideas do you have? Have you managed this yourself? I would love some advice as I feel this is a weak area of my life, knowing which part of myself to prioritize and when.

I admit that I did not want to write this post, tonight. I actually debated and decided (🙀) to skip tonight, as I reasoned my soul needed a rest. Simultaneously, I wondered where my life was going and why I was spending time sitting on the couch watching the tele… THEN, my sweet, bedtime-loving boyfriend went to sleep well before 8:30 PM. All of the sudden, I knew I would have some totally alone time to write this post, and I knew I would post it. Why am I so stuck when it comes to alone vs social time? How can I better manage this internal struggle? My relationship with my fella and all of my personal relationships are VERY important to me, in fact the most important to me. Maybe this is why I struggle. I prioritize family, friends, and personal relationship development over everything, including me and my alone time. I am certainly a priority, but it seems like I am #2 (at least). I see this in many areas of my life. I stop what I am doing to fit others’ schedules and fill in the gaps with things for me. I am not sure how I feel about this. Is this a healthy and normal reality of life, albeit difficult? This is something I will have to mull over for a few days.

I will find a YouTube video with constant affirmations for 20+ minutes and ponder this, while I attempt to hypnotize myself with positivity. I have a good feeling about, but it could be the positive affirmation juice I have been drinking. I can do anything. Great things keep happening to me. It’s crazy and awesome how many great things keep happening to me.