Day 50: That is a wrap?

My 500 Words

Wow! Day 50 of #my500words….here we are. I don’t know if I want this challenge to end. While I have found it exhausting on busy days, it has been so enriching! It has forced me to put my crazy thoughts onto a “page”. And, this alone has been therapeutic…even when I wasn’t saying all that much. What a great gift. I feel grateful that I have been able to take on this challenge with the first 31 days and then the additional 19 days, making it 50 days of 500 words…without missing a single day. Talk about starting a new habit!

As my previous post detailed, I still want to keep blogging. I just don’t know in what capacity. Maybe the primary purpose of this blog is that I write my thoughts down each day. Maybe that is the benefit of this, period. I am not sure, but a break will be nice. It is funny. I thought about starting a blog for so long, wanting a reason to write crap everyday, as though you need a reason! I think I put too much pressure on myself, too much pressure to be interesting or funny or to make money. Now that I have thrown all of those things out the window (and much more), I am able to just write and to start a habit. So that has been great. And, as we all know, blogs are still important for marketing purposes, but the market for “bloggers” is saturated and such. So, apparently, I need to know that things are “dead end” to motivate me to get involved hehehe.

This brings me to an interesting thought I have been having today…hobbies. My boyfriend is really great at getting involved in the community. He goes to meetups and talks and happy hours. Everything he does is related to his professional goals and network. I am just NOT like that. It is funny how different we are. I want to take classes and go to meetups that enrich me personally and bring fun into my life. I don’t want to go learn how to enter data into excel sheets. Maybe this means I am a loser, or maybe it means I haven’t found a career that lights me up. In any case, going to a happy hour to discuss my day job makes me ill to think about. I would rather walk around the library.

Speaking of the library, there are a lot of homeless people that hang at the libraries here. One such homeless lady complimented my boots today. “Hey, I like your boots, man!” What a compliment! I was so stoked….”THANKS!” I yelled back at her. Sometimes, it really just is the little things. How lucky am I?

Speaking of the little things, today I went for a walk (to work and then back home) and got my heart rate up. It wasn’t a big deal, but it was nice. I got sweaty and warm, and it was good for me. As Sophie Lennon says in her act on the Amazon Prime Series Mrs. Maisel, “PUT THAT ON YOUR PLATE!”

XOXO

Day 48: Let go & let go & let go (repeat)

My 500 Words

Yesterday I cried. I cried from what I assume was stress or a whole web of complicated feelings. My post from yesterday was not that well written or thought out…but it was full of feeling. I was bubbling over last night, but I couldn’t figure it out. I couldn’t express it. I have this frustration, this feeling…but I am not sure how to resolve it. I can’t resolve it. I can only let it go. I can only accept it exactly as it is. I can accept it as it is, and I can continue to love everyone and myself. I think that is my option.

As I wrote this, the person I was thinking of in regards to this struggle texted me. Synergy feels good, even the little stuff.

Another interesting thing happened to me recently as well. I had been feeling…wounded…for lack of a better term regarding a small situation involving a person very n/dear to me and my career path. I felt like I wasn’t completely supported or that my professional woes and goals were of less consequence. I didn’t know how to vocalize this feeling and decided to, instead, use it as fuel and perhaps an opportunity to better find out what I wanted in this life, without the input of anyone else. Then, I let this go. Just yesterday this person decided to vocalize a feeling/realization that had been dawning on them that they had not been as supportive as they could have been of me professionally. I acknowledged their feeling, and we moved on. BUT, I found this to be both shocking and delightful. I would have figured it out and made the best of it, but I was happy to know I have a greater ally than I believed. Faith restored, 2 fold.

I am going to continue to practice letting go. It seems to be working pretty well for me. I am blessed truly beyond measure. Everything I have let go…hasn’t felt like letting go or anything really. Maybe letting go feels like doing nothing. We can overthink the things we need to do to better our lives and to love and laugh more. Maybe this is one more thing. Perhaps letting go is the easiest thing we can do, except we do not like to do easy things. Humans like hard things. We like big problems and impossible situations that we can figure out and then show the world our smarts.

So I will practice thinking good thoughts and then doing absolutely nothing with my bad ones. Let’s see how this goes. Perhaps it can be a weird, grand experiment on how to best live my life. If letting go is one of the greatest things we can do as part of manifestation and alignment, let’s learn how to let the heck go.And, my favorite way to learn is try every wrong way first. So, I shall get started on the wrong way in my pursuit to learn the right one. 😀

 

Day 45: A garden fit for gods, but no flowers!

My 500 Words

My mom is in town this weekend, so my writing today comes to you early in the morning before she wakes up. I am suffering from a stiff neck, which I am attributing to tension while driving up and down the state yesterday. We went to visit the Garden of the Gods near Colorado Springs. I had never been before and it was a perfectly accessible start to the trip for my mom, who was worried about too much walking. It was really nice and the weather was good.

The most fascinating part was thinking about how those rocks got there, having previously been underwater and also home to dinosaurs. They find fossils from dinosaurs there frequently (comparatively speaking). The now park and national landmark, was given its name by 2 European purveyors in the mid 1800s that realized the area and the rock formations provided a garden that was fit for Gods! So, there you have it. The part about finding fossils all of the time feels real, but that was an exaggeration. I don’t actually know if that is true. I believe they have found at least one 😂.

It made me think of Sedona, which has beautiful rocks formations that are red and magnificent to behold. I told my mom how much she would just LOVE Sedona. And, I vow to take her there for a weekend. It would be really great for her. It is a place built on the beauty of the Southwest and the energetic healing principles of both ancient and new age beliefs. Isn’t it interesting how much of what we call “new age” is just ancient beliefs recycled, rediscovered, or appropriated. T’ain’t nothing new in this world of ours!

My mom said her best energy, according to I guess the energy doctor, was in Colorado or Hawaii. And, she then became wistful about having never belonged in the place she was. But, she did belong. We all belong eventually, as we slightly mold and change to fit our place. Or maybe it is not that serious. Maybe, we are all just playing and the outcome doesn’t really matter. So if the outcome doesn’t really matter and everything is fun and games, what is it that you want for yourself?

Do you want to be an author? Yes. Do you want to be a comedian? Sure. Do you want to skydive all day? Ehhhh. Do you want to bake cookies? I will eat them. Do you want to watch T.V. ? No… Do you want to make people pretty? Not desperately, but I am happy if they are pretty. Do you want to learn how to dance? That would be fun. Do you want to spend it pleasing someone you don’t even like? No. Do you want to feel bad about yourself? No. Do you want to feel alive? YES. Do you want to worry? Ugh, No. Do you want to be joyful? Bloody abundant in joy, mate. Do you want to feel love and to give it? Everyday.  Are you ready to be more specific? Do I need to be?

Day 43: A More Graceful Passion

My 500 Words

I am not feeling much inspiration to write today. I think when I get to the 50 day mark, I will change my schedule to 5 days/ week or perhaps just allow myself some time off. Maybe I need a goal with the writing. I enjoy it because it helps me think things through. I have always thought best through my fingers or a pen…it clarifies the chaos inside and puts it into a format that I can manage.

Spirituality has been a theme of my life lately, a mostly interesting and inspiring place to spend mental energy. But, I do find myself equally into the spirituality and skeptical of allowing it into my life. I am a spiritual person, and I want to be connected to both the earth and universal energy. However, I don’t want to go so deep that I can’t see the trees in the forest. I want to pray and meditate and practice presence, but I just want to be myself while I do that. Contemplating who I am and which voices are which in my head is EXHAUSTING! And, not all that important.

I think, for me, the most important thing is to know that I am part of the energy that is everyone and everything. I am part of the father, the son, and the holy spirit…the inner being, the source, and the mind. There are so many ways to describe the things we have always known in so many religions for so long. These spiritual beliefs can be beautiful, and they can also be corrupted. They can be radicalized, and they can be exploited.

My goal is to be a spiritual person in the most boring sense of the word. I just want to live, to experience the beautiful and magical world that we live in and to give thanks. My spiritual practice is to be grateful and to be present. I don’t want to overthink the magic. I want to accept it and trust in it, as I always have. But, mostly, I want to have fun and feel alive and safe. I want to have roots, wings, adventure, and safety. I want it all. I plan to live a life of delight and love and laughter. I want to experience the world in presence and joy and understanding. I want to show compassion and care, without sacrificing my joy or dreaming.

I am seeking a life of abundance, and I am finding it…But, I cannot think too deeply or too much anymore. It tires me. Instead, I am trusting, knowing, and living each day and each moment. Career-wise, I often feel like a square peg in a round hole and, at times, defensive about it. I am in changing my mindset to finding something that aligns with me, not with the world. I am finding my way into a passion that looks like Grace, a passion that looks like me, talks like me, and makes me feel more like me.

Day 34: Fresh & Alive

My 500 Words

Today is day 34. What a day it has been.  I have been listening to Eckhart Tolle and Oprah discuss presence and the importance of staying in the moment. And, I have been. It hasn’t taken my “bad” day away, but it has helped in ways I suppose. I am dog sitting and finding myself so frustrated with the dog. In any case, I realized that what I was feeling was just frustrated. And, the dog happened to be near me all day. I was projecting everything onto the poor, innocent albeit needy doggo. Luckily, I didn’t let this overtake TOO much of my day, but it got enough of it. I took the doggo on a walk, and it didn’t make everything better but it tired me out. Being tired is sometimes as good as it gets. And, that is pretty okay too!

Today I am going to examine what it is that I want in a career. Not in the way that I normally do. This time, I am going to examine how I want to feel in that career. I don’t know what I am doing honestly, but it might be fun to give this a little baby try.

I want to feel awake in my career. I wake up in the morning and know my soul is going to be aglow all day. I feel enraptured…like a pastry chef….like a surfer. I feel at ease but excited; I breathe. You could say that I am alert. I can go into a flow without being interrupted. I am myself.

Alas, this thought process led me into a nap, which was perhaps far more of what I needed at that moment than to figure out what I want to as a career for the rest of my life. It is crazy how we think we need to know everything. One thing my nap taught me is that my bad mood probably had a lot to do with the lack of sleep I received last night. It taught me that everything is perfect right now, and it taught me that naps are cool if you allow them. That is one thing I never dive into on the blog…allowing. Allowing is important. I wonder if I “allow” in my life. I sometimes have a hard time napping because my mind is racing, but when I relax and allow, I can nap with the best of them.

Allowing. It is a new concept in this new world of thinking that I have entered. It is one that I understand in some ways, and in others, I am totally confused. Sometimes, when I try to manifest certain things, I want to retain too much control, or the illusion of it. When I allow, I let things unfold in new and infinitely more interesting ways. Maybe allowing and letting go are similar. I am letting go of having a say in how something happens…I allow it to unfold in a way I never imagined possible.

Allow today, mates!

Day 33: Peace & Stillness> Desperation

My 500 Words

Each day that I write, I find myself negating something that I wrote the previous day. That isn’t that cool! But, I find myself here today. So, a few posts ago, I said I was going to manifest pink elephants or a yellow Volkswagen. I was trying to manipulate the universe into telling me a secret about myself…instead of asking and trusting myself. The truth is, I did see pink elephants today on a pair of pajama pants, but I don’t care. The truth is that I would like to have more creativity and explore more creative outlets. This doesn’t necessarily mean that my job has to be creative. When did I start equating my job with my sole source of happiness? Oh, right. When I was like 9 years old, haha. This has been a bit of a struggle for me for many years.

So, for now…I am going to stay in my job or at least make no active pursuits to change my job until I explore my creative side in my regular life for a while first. Or maybe not. That might be a promise I can’t make and that I don’t mean. Maybe what I will do is stop worrying about everything and putting a label or a name on it. Maybe…I will not even do that. Maybe, I will just be, as I am right now without trying. How tough is this presence stuff, huh?! I feel like I should always be striving, trying, and working towards something. But, that can just lead me around in circles. That is not the life I want.

The life I want is big, beautiful and inspired. I can go in one direction and change my mind. I can do multiple things at once and take big, fun risks and exjoy the peace and quite of certainty in the moment. I do not have to accept a future I do not want, but I do have the accept the moment, the only thing that matters…the present moment. Why is that so hard to do? The mind is wired to think about the future, based on the past. It is so good, but it can also be so bad. It can leave us spinning around in the what-ifs and the what-could-haves. I need to let those go. Or, rather, I need to get back to the moment, which lets those go naturally. All we have is now. The beautiful now.

I don’t want to wonder if things are where they should be. There is no should be. There is only now. Maybe at 29, I should be somewhere else according to the mind. But, according to the present, I am exactly where I was meant to be. All good things flow from this moment. In fact, everything flows from this moment, period. I don’t want to brand. I just want to be. I don’t want to market. I just want to flow. Flow. Flow. Flow. Like the river, sometimes fast and sometimes slow, occasionally high and occasionally low. Always in flow ❤ .