Day 48: Let go & let go & let go (repeat)

My 500 Words

Yesterday I cried. I cried from what I assume was stress or a whole web of complicated feelings. My post from yesterday was not that well written or thought out…but it was full of feeling. I was bubbling over last night, but I couldn’t figure it out. I couldn’t express it. I have this frustration, this feeling…but I am not sure how to resolve it. I can’t resolve it. I can only let it go. I can only accept it exactly as it is. I can accept it as it is, and I can continue to love everyone and myself. I think that is my option.

As I wrote this, the person I was thinking of in regards to this struggle texted me. Synergy feels good, even the little stuff.

Another interesting thing happened to me recently as well. I had been feeling…wounded…for lack of a better term regarding a small situation involving a person very n/dear to me and my career path. I felt like I wasn’t completely supported or that my professional woes and goals were of less consequence. I didn’t know how to vocalize this feeling and decided to, instead, use it as fuel and perhaps an opportunity to better find out what I wanted in this life, without the input of anyone else. Then, I let this go. Just yesterday this person decided to vocalize a feeling/realization that had been dawning on them that they had not been as supportive as they could have been of me professionally. I acknowledged their feeling, and we moved on. BUT, I found this to be both shocking and delightful. I would have figured it out and made the best of it, but I was happy to know I have a greater ally than I believed. Faith restored, 2 fold.

I am going to continue to practice letting go. It seems to be working pretty well for me. I am blessed truly beyond measure. Everything I have let go…hasn’t felt like letting go or anything really. Maybe letting go feels like doing nothing. We can overthink the things we need to do to better our lives and to love and laugh more. Maybe this is one more thing. Perhaps letting go is the easiest thing we can do, except we do not like to do easy things. Humans like hard things. We like big problems and impossible situations that we can figure out and then show the world our smarts.

So I will practice thinking good thoughts and then doing absolutely nothing with my bad ones. Let’s see how this goes. Perhaps it can be a weird, grand experiment on how to best live my life. If letting go is one of the greatest things we can do as part of manifestation and alignment, let’s learn how to let the heck go.And, my favorite way to learn is try every wrong way first. So, I shall get started on the wrong way in my pursuit to learn the right one. πŸ˜€

 

Day 43: A More Graceful Passion

My 500 Words

I am not feeling much inspiration to write today. I think when I get to the 50 day mark, I will change my schedule to 5 days/ week or perhaps just allow myself some time off. Maybe I need a goal with the writing. I enjoy it because it helps me think things through. I have always thought best through my fingers or a pen…it clarifies the chaos inside and puts it into a format that I can manage.

Spirituality has been a theme of my life lately, a mostly interesting and inspiring place to spend mental energy. But, I do find myself equally into the spirituality and skeptical of allowing it into my life. I am a spiritual person, and I want to be connected to both the earth and universal energy. However, I don’t want to go so deep that I can’t see the trees in the forest. I want to pray and meditate and practice presence, but I just want to be myself while I do that. Contemplating who I am and which voices are which in my head is EXHAUSTING! And, not all that important.

I think, for me, the most important thing is to know that I am part of the energy that is everyone and everything. I am part of the father, the son, and the holy spirit…the inner being, the source, and the mind. There are so many ways to describe the things we have always known in so many religions for so long. These spiritual beliefs can be beautiful, and they can also be corrupted. They can be radicalized, and they can be exploited.

My goal is to be a spiritual person in the most boring sense of the word. I just want to live, to experience the beautiful and magical world that we live in and to give thanks. My spiritual practice is to be grateful and to be present. I don’t want to overthink the magic. I want to accept it and trust in it, as I always have. But, mostly, I want to have fun and feel alive and safe. I want to have roots, wings, adventure, and safety. I want it all. I plan to live a life of delight and love and laughter. I want to experience the world in presence and joy and understanding. I want to show compassion and care, without sacrificing my joy or dreaming.

I am seeking a life of abundance, and I am finding it…But, I cannot think too deeply or too much anymore. It tires me. Instead, I am trusting, knowing, and living each day and each moment. Career-wise, I often feel like a square peg in a round hole and, at times, defensive about it. I am in changing my mindset to finding something that aligns with me, not with the world. I am finding my way into a passion that looks like Grace, a passion that looks like me, talks like me, and makes me feel more like me.

Day 42: Seeking Truth

My 500 Words

Today I was thinking about a conversation I had with a random date like 3 years ago. It was pretty clear that we weren’t going to be a thing, but we were friendly and enjoying each other’s company. We just weren’t a good match, and we knew it. But, we sat in a very swanky bar with great cocktails and jazz talking about ourselves and our past. It was freeing in the way that talking to strangers can be. I talked about myself and my passions and how I felt both lost and hopeful. He perked up and said, “you are on a quest, seeking something great for yourself!” I laughed, slightly embarrassed, and nodded. “Yeah. I guess I am. But, I might never get it and I know that. It might not exist. So, I am trying to try without being obsessed.” He laughed as though he understood. And, then the topic changed.

I believe that was the last we ever hung out, but I do still think of that conversation we had, hoping that it is true…that his vision of me as a noble seeker on a quest to find passion and purpose is real…that I may have something to bring to the world and to life. In reality, I think we all do. I like to think we all have something we can bring into this world…something that makes us and those around us better. At least, I would like to believe this. And, because I think it is mostly helpful and positive, I will likely continue to think this.

What does it mean to be a seeker? Does it mean that you are never satisfied? Does it mean that you are never arrived? Is it that every time you get to one trail’s end a new one that you didn’t even know existed stretches out before you? If this is true, it seems like perhaps we are all seekers, whether we want to be or not.

My boyfriend and I have been discussing the sad reality that money can’t actually buy happiness lately and how many of the people we looked up to were very unfulfilled and unhappy after achieving what they set out to do, their happiness plan. We lamented that happiness couldn’t be purchased, facetiously, and reminded ourselves that, cheese aside, it is really the journey and the enjoyment of the process that means everything, is everything. All we have is the present moment. Why is this so hard to remember?

We can get so caught up in seeking the next great thing or a gigantic vision of our lives that may or may not materialize, and we can so easily forget that all we have is now and the journey is more important than the destination. It almost angers me that I feel like a cheese curd when I reiterate these ideas because they are so important. It is truth, and as a seeker, that is what I am after. Why, then, is it so damn hard to accept?

Day 36: Why am I enjoying this process so much?

My 500 Words

I have to admit…I love writing my500words everyday…like LOVE. I look forward to it. Why is that? I don’t really have readers. I don’t really have a big, grand goal related to this. This functions as a personal journal, albeit impersonal in details, that I post for the world to see. What is it about this that I enjoy? I think it is the honesty that I approach each post with. I can be playful and fun in topics, but I can be honest. How beautiful and freeing to be honest. Also, how rare.

I don’t share this blog with any friends or family. Although, I don’t hide it either. My boyfriend knows that I blog everyday, but he hasn’t read the blog (as far as I know) and doesn’t ask for too particular of details. He seems to know it is kind of mine right now, in its infancy and unsure of what’s next. It is delicate, but I enjoy it. The delicacy doesn’t matter to me as much as the fact that I enjoy it. But, I wonder if my enjoyment is derived in part from the delicacy of the content, window into my thoughts, and the anonymity. I wonder where it will lead, if anywhere. It doesn’t have to lead anywhere.

This blog has helped me in the past 36 days a great deal. It has especially helped to anchor my day. My work day can feel chaotic and unstructured. But, each day, I know I have to write my blog…and it is both for me and not for me. There is growth, but there is also presence. It is a nice combination for me, and it makes me feel good.

I started a list recently of things that make me feel good, to better find alignment in my life- to align with what feels good. I figured I should make this easier on myself! This list includes a few things, which I am sure will grow. But, it includes writing on this blog. It is easier and faster for me to get my full thoughts out here and pressure to stand by what is posted to the internet. It is a strange thing, but it makes me feel good whenever I hit “publish”.

I digress! What makes you happy? How do you find alignment? There aren’t any of you reading or responding, but I still wonder. Do you make better decisions when you are in alignment? Or, are you more likely to come to the conclusion that it isn’t THAT important anyway? It feels like it might be the latter. When you are in alignment, you are happy and at peace, which makes the problems our minds make into mountains show themselves as they are, molehills!

My boyfriend and I were stressed when we first moved to Colorado. We needed a place to live and felt nervous about the future of us as an “us”. Not in a bad way, just in a “next step” way. We would always plan to go on a hike to talk. After 20 minutes of hiking, we would stop caring about our issue and feel great. Then, we would laugh about our plan and how by the end we had a “yeah that doesn’t even matter” attitude.

✨The magic of the moment ✨

Day 35: Why do I look outside?

My 500 Words

Why do I look outside when everything I need is within? Why do I want someone else to validate my idea before I commit? Why? Is this human? Is this normal? Is this madness?

Potentially yes to all of these questions.

An important lesson that I keep having to learn over and over again is that nothing is, or more importantly, has to be permanent. Life can be playful. Life can be fun! You can go in one direction because it feels good only to change your mind and turn around. There are no rules. There is just energy and love.

I am more playful and powerful than I can even imagine. My ability to play, explore, discover, and innovate is expansive and limitless. Like, holy guacamole…if I want to become a UX designer or a fashion designer or a frick’n rug maker, I can! AND, if I decide that at some point I want to stop…I can do that to. The limits of our lives are only limited by us.

On a different but similar note, however, maybe the point is that the more aligned we are with our true nature when we choose our path, the more spiritual success, fulfillment, and impact we can make. That…I believe to be the truth. How do we find our truest nature from which to make decisions?

We play! We try things on and out. Like children, we don’t yet know but it doesn’t matter. We are ourselves…the other stuff is a mask. We can try on any mask we want because who we are remains steadfast. If and when we find something that resonates in us, we can try that to. We can probably find our paths in a myriad of ways, but why not dance and play into it? If given the choice, I would almost always rather dance and play than obsess and suffer. And, just like that I found a new mantra.

Life Mantra:

I play into each day, finding what feels good and true and following it through.

I don’t know if I have had a mantra, per se, but I like having a saying that fits the moment of my life. For example, when I was leaving my job and totally unsure about what to do, I started to recite, “trust the process” to myself. It was meaningful and got me through some tougher days.

So today, I play every day…and I follow my interests…and I follow them through. This is the 30 year old me coming into action. I think getting older is going to be a great thing for me. As a younger Grace, I was filled with all of the same energy, hope, and dreams but didn’t have the follow through yet. I am getting stronger in this field every day, and, when I focus, I accomplish great feats. And, I will continue to. I can’t wait to see what I can do with my playful spirit as I grow in follow-through. Lookout world πŸ™‚

Big waves 🌊

Day 31: How to know what you want

My 500 Words

This morning, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I ate a lot of crackers and snacks very late at night, felt dehydrated before sleeping, and woke up earlier than I would have preferred. I have felt kind of crabby ever since. Now, I have an offer to do something that I have been wanting to do for a while, and it just doesn’t feel like today is the right day. But, I don’t feel THAT confident. The part of me that doesn’t want to miss out, the FOMO part of me, is worried. Am I missing out on a cool experience? Will it make me happier? Should I spend time with people?

The reality is that I am tired and don’t feel like hanging out with anyone. In another sense, though, I do want to do something. So what do I do with myself? How do I know which voice I should listen to? Which voice is the right voice? Is there a right voice? I don’t know. Maybe some of the spiritual experts out there can lend me a helping hand.

Eckhart Tolle would say that it doesn’t matter what the decision is but how I decide it, whether I make the decision in a state of presence. I struggle with this because I want to believe that how I live my life each day does matter. And, maybe it still does in this line of thinking…just in a different way than I normally approach life. So today, I am restless.

I asked my boyfriend to help me with this and help me to re-frame the present moment. He suggested that I accepted that today is a lazy day and allow good things to flow from that. He suggested that we say this is a lazy day, not good or bad, but a reality. I should allow a myriad of events to flow from this moment. I am fighting against the moment and against reality. I need to accept the present moment as reality. I chose not to go and that wasn’t a good or bad thing. It was just a decision that made sense in the moment. The feeling of loss is created in the mind and is not a truth. The mind perceives a loss, but there is a chance that going would have exhausted me or been socially difficult. In any case, in the present moment, I made a decision based on the present moment, which was my only option. I made the best decision for me in that moment.

Now, we go onward. Tonight, we are going to make pizza or some other food and invite my friend over for dinner. Tomorrow, we are going to wake up early and take the dog we are watching on a big walk in the mountains. Then, we are going to make snacks and have folks over for the Oscars. I think it sounds like a nice plan and it feels good.

The goal for the rest of the day is to stay present. Bless up, folks and see you soon as I am extending this goal for a total of 50 days of #My500Words. Wooo! That’s a wrap day 31 and part 1 of my goal!

Day 30: Magnets Don’t Work Like That

My 500 Words

Yesterday I posted about manifestation and detailed a professional shift I wanted to make. I feel like I made a mistake in my approach, though. I basically asked universal forces to tell me what I should do or what I was supposed to do. However, more and more, I don’t think that we are SUPPOSED to do anything. I think we can choose what we want to do and life, and we can work towards it and try to attract it by matching the energy of that thing. I think.

I think (just my current unformed opinion) that we can decide what it is that we want and vibrate towards that thing and that thing towards us. I think that we can, at any time, change our minds as well. I don’t know that a belief in the existence of a grand plan serves me. I don’t want to be the victim of some predetermined destiny. I want to be the architect and creator of my life.

I was once in a bad relationship in which all of the stars aligned in such a way to present us as “meant to be.” In the end, it was a damaging relationship and not one that I would choose to be in. I felt trapped by the synchronicity that surrounded us. It was a strange feeling. When I broke free, it was amazing. I felt like a weight had been lifted and life was full of possibility when we broke up. I felt like I was in a soul prison, and I felt so sad that that universe seemed to want me to be with him.

I am not sure if that experience was just a necessary part of my journey or if I attracted it, but it made me skeptical of taking synchronicity. And maybe, that is a really good thing. I am in a great relationship now, one in which I feel supported and happy for the better part of my days. And, we are best friends. Even with that knowledge of the mind and experience coupled with the synchronicity that exists in our relationship, I keep an open mindset, with a tinge of caution and an understanding that I will be okay regardless of what transpires in our relationship.

Perhaps this is some energetic, spiritual lesson. Or, perhaps this is just life and maturity. In any case, follow your arrow where ever it points (Kasey Musgraves lyric shout out). And, if it doesn’t feel good anymore, stop doing it. Don’t give up at the first sight of hardships, of course. When I say “feel good”, I am talking about the soul stuff, not the momentary pains of being a person doing a thing. The universe may seem to tell you a thing, try it. If it works, great. If it doesn’t, don’t feel beholden to anything other than the experience of your soul telling you yes or no. There is no glory in fighting this voice. It brings pain, even if you don’t understand it. The unfortunate side is that the mind can also bring great pain, but it is pain we can generally look at as a thing that doesn’t have to happen. Soul pain is not a thought; it is just feeling. Feel your soul into light spaces, and I think it will make things better. But, what do I know? I just know me and my experience thus far. That is all. Happy Friday.

 

Day 29: Blue Duck Manifestation on Fleek

My 500 Words

I mentioned in my post yesterday that I was working to manifest a blue duck…any kind of blue duck in any kind of format. I just needed it to be called to my attention. It had to be obvious to me that there was a blue duck in my life as a result of this phenomenon. I did all the things. I thought about it, visualized seeing it, imagined how happy I would be, thanked the world for showing me this duck, and then accepted that I might not see it and that was okay. I did all of that. I had some doubts for a while and then my beautiful ADD brain forgot about it after a few hours. Life went on.

I just started watching “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” on Amazon Prime and have been enjoying it. Last night was my second night diving in and my mind was pretty absorbed in the show. In an emotional scene, she and her ex husband were having words in his new living room and she was livid about the decor. Then, she walks over to the mantle and picks up a decorative ornament and yells, “DUCKS!” or something to that effect. Then, she took the BLUE duck and slammed it back down on the mantle. The duck became a centerpiece of the scene. She kept going back and picking up the duck and waving it around threatening to smash it, I think. In any case, there was my blue duck.

It NEVER ceases to amaze me how the mind can go through every scenario of what can happen and be totally wrong or negligent even. I thought of SO MANY bizarre ways that I might see a blue duck…I thought of crazy, outlandish things happening to me. This doesn’t seem to the energetic ways of the universe. The path of least resistance seems to work. It is strange, though. The blue duck would have existed in that show whether I had asked to see one or not. Does my intuition exist within the same time constraints? Could my intuition see that my future involved the visualization a blue duck? Am I in control? Or, did I draw that duck to me, with my energetic call-out? Did I put into effect a series of possible blue duck sightings and me feeling pulled to continue watching the popular Amazon series was just part of that manifestation? Did that last sentence even make sense???!

I have no idea about all of it. But, I would like to continue this experimentation. Some of the talks have been a little too out there for me. They have pushed juuuuuust past what I either can believe or am ready to believe so I may be taking a break from everything except manifestation, mindfulness and the present moment, plenty of woo woo left to work with. What should I try to manifest next? Also, do you think I am a nut job? Same! It is ok, but maybe we can have some fun and experience some magic if we are lucky.

In any case, I have been contemplating a professional shift…as always. But, I want to be more intentional than I have in the past. Maybe this is a mistake. I have internal inklings that my next move should be to a more creative path, perhaps involving design in some capacity. That is really all I have so far, and I may not even have that. SO, if my next step in life involves design or being more creative, I want to manifest a yellow Volkswagen Beetle. If it isn’t or if I should stop thinking about it and focus on my current job, I want to manifest a pink elephant. Alright, there is some craziness to use against me in a court of law someday.

I will keep you updated and do all of the work that I need to in the meantime. Until tomorrow, friends!

Day 28: Blue Duck Manifestation

My 500 Words

Today is day 28! Wow. I can’t believe it has only been 28 days. If I am honest, I feel like I have been doing this for year. With well over 15,000 words, I am about 1/3 of the way done with my first non-fiction book πŸ˜‰.Β  Kind of. In any case, I have gotten to the cool place where I post every day, sometimes personal details and sometimes not, and I don’t care who reads it. That is a beautiful thing.

Maybe I will write my first book via blog posts everyday. If I get started on Day 32…that would mean I could reach 50,000 words in 100 days. CRAZY! That is nothing. Maybe my next goal will be 100 more days of blog posts. It has been really centering for me to write each and every day. It has been harder on the weekends, and I have a lot of trips coming up…maybe I could absorb the word count into other days to make up for it? I’m not sure yet. Or maybe, I bring a damn notebook and crank it out. That might be what the universe has in store for me!

Speaking of the universe, today I went for a pretty solid walk and thought a lot of blue ducks. I was thinking that it has been a while since I have purposefully manifested anything into my life. I do think that I manifested my boyfriend as well as my job, but that has been a little while now. I am ready for change in some areas of my life, but I have lost practice! So, I asked the universe to show me a blue duck…any kind of blue duck anywhere and anytime. That is where I left it. Since, I have been trying to feel what it is like to see that blue duck and to know that everything is great with or without seeing the blue duck….my trust remains the same. The last part, I admit, has been a struggle for me. How do I let go of my attachment to the outcome? How do I ask for a blue duck and then stop caring about the damn duck?? Therein lies the secret sauce to this whole manifestation thing. I guess I have to know and trust the universe will and already does have my back whether the blue duck shows up on my doorstep or not.

In order to get into a good “flow”, if you will,Β  I did a 10 minute meditation. While meditating, I noticed my jaw was aching so bad! I couldn’t focus on anything else. It led me to wonder whether I carry tension in my jaw all the time and whether it hurts all the time! Am I spending so much time in my head with all the noise that I don’t notice that my jaw hurts so bad?! It blew my mind honestly. That is how bad it hurt.

I am not sure exactly what is going on, whether it is from sleeping or from sore shoulder and chest muscles pulling, but I will be paying much more attention to these sensations and hopefully meditating more as a result of this new interest!