I am a “wanna be”. There are pretty specific requirements for such a role.
- Not be much of much.
- Have had potential at one point of life to be more.
- Not follow through.
- Not know how to follow through.
- Dream about being someone or something else.
This is the life of a wanna be, a loser, a me. I am pretty smart, pretty nice, pretty funny, but I am not good at anything. I am kind of a loser in a lot of ways. I feel like I am not crushing it at work. I feel hopelessly in the middle. I am Middle Michelle… not bad, not great, not sad, not happy. I am not passionately engaged or passionately disengaged.
Am I sedated? Am I lost? Or, am i painfully mediocre… just another regular ass person that thought they were going to change and save the world. I am just NOT a big deal, and I am really bummed at the prospect of coming to terms with this reality.
I thought I was going to be interesting and wild and weird forever. Most of those parts of me were aided by the intoxication of myself and those around me. I was never those things. I was always just me.
Is there a version of me that can still do something great? Is it possible to be the lame, loser, underachiever that is me…and still DO something great. Like, maybe I can’t BE great, but maybe I can DO great. Be is what I am. I can’t change that. I was always screwed in this regard. Perhaps, though, I can DO something new and interesting. Maybe I can be scared but still do something. Maybe it isn’t over even though I am increasingly SUREEEE that I am a lame, loser, freakazoid, boring, wannabe, idiot that stresses out a lot over dumb stuff.
Maybe I can still do something. Maybe I haven’t sung my last song after all. Maybe, this wannabe can fly.