Day 39: From Anxious to Aligned

My 500 Words

Today has been a strange day, but it isn’t one I can complain about. I woke up and had a slow morning, followed by a lot of thinking about the spiritual domain and trying to connect to it with meditation or alignment. To be honest, I find it exhausting listening to this stuff. I found myself feeling more anxious during and after listening to all of this chatter meant to elevate. I was tired.

I wonder if it is possible to overthink or overdue this stuff. I think I need to learn less and meditate/align more. I am overdosing on knowledge and perspective, but I am not in the practice. The overtly spiritual aspect is not so appealing to me. I like the idea of energy and vibration. That works for me, but I don’t care (right now) to get too deep in the weeds. I want to learn how to control my mind better and to manifest my desire, but I don’t want to get too stuck in the craziness. My obsessive mind can sometimes make the worst of those situations. I want to think less, not more.

This is something that can be accomplished. I just want to be present. When I am in the present moment, the benefits are palpable. All sensual aspects of my life are better when I am just there, not there thinking and analyzing. I am not sure why I think I am helping anything by analyzing it to death. Presence is key.

I did finally get my hands on a paperback copy of Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth.” I plan to keep it around to keep me present and wanted a paper copy so that I could highlight and note as I wanted. I think it will be a positive thing! I have been listening to Oprah and Eckhart talk about the book, so I look forward to the chance to read it for myself. Hopefully it doesn’t cause my nice man-friend to think me a crazy person…or at least a crazier person than he already thinks I am! Too bad!

But, one great thing that happened to me today was that I found a ski jacket for a great price online! I have been hemming and hawing about it for weeks, and I finally pulled the trigger! I am excited to get it and, assuming it works well, get a chance to ski in it… It will be fun to layer up without bringing along a puffy coat and a rain jacket combination. Great things happening over here!

In the week coming up, I will be saying ciao to my honey for the weekend and a different kind of ciao to my mother, who will be in town visiting me. That means lots of driving around, playing host, and getting to experience some new things myself! I would like to get down to see “Garden of the Gods” and Colorado Springs. So, hopefully my madre and myself can have a little fun and experience some new things together.

Until then, stay present and stay positive! XO

Day 34: Fresh & Alive

My 500 Words

Today is day 34. What a day it has been.  I have been listening to Eckhart Tolle and Oprah discuss presence and the importance of staying in the moment. And, I have been. It hasn’t taken my “bad” day away, but it has helped in ways I suppose. I am dog sitting and finding myself so frustrated with the dog. In any case, I realized that what I was feeling was just frustrated. And, the dog happened to be near me all day. I was projecting everything onto the poor, innocent albeit needy doggo. Luckily, I didn’t let this overtake TOO much of my day, but it got enough of it. I took the doggo on a walk, and it didn’t make everything better but it tired me out. Being tired is sometimes as good as it gets. And, that is pretty okay too!

Today I am going to examine what it is that I want in a career. Not in the way that I normally do. This time, I am going to examine how I want to feel in that career. I don’t know what I am doing honestly, but it might be fun to give this a little baby try.

I want to feel awake in my career. I wake up in the morning and know my soul is going to be aglow all day. I feel enraptured…like a pastry chef….like a surfer. I feel at ease but excited; I breathe. You could say that I am alert. I can go into a flow without being interrupted. I am myself.

Alas, this thought process led me into a nap, which was perhaps far more of what I needed at that moment than to figure out what I want to as a career for the rest of my life. It is crazy how we think we need to know everything. One thing my nap taught me is that my bad mood probably had a lot to do with the lack of sleep I received last night. It taught me that everything is perfect right now, and it taught me that naps are cool if you allow them. That is one thing I never dive into on the blog…allowing. Allowing is important. I wonder if I “allow” in my life. I sometimes have a hard time napping because my mind is racing, but when I relax and allow, I can nap with the best of them.

Allowing. It is a new concept in this new world of thinking that I have entered. It is one that I understand in some ways, and in others, I am totally confused. Sometimes, when I try to manifest certain things, I want to retain too much control, or the illusion of it. When I allow, I let things unfold in new and infinitely more interesting ways. Maybe allowing and letting go are similar. I am letting go of having a say in how something happens…I allow it to unfold in a way I never imagined possible.

Allow today, mates!

Day 31: How to know what you want

My 500 Words

This morning, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I ate a lot of crackers and snacks very late at night, felt dehydrated before sleeping, and woke up earlier than I would have preferred. I have felt kind of crabby ever since. Now, I have an offer to do something that I have been wanting to do for a while, and it just doesn’t feel like today is the right day. But, I don’t feel THAT confident. The part of me that doesn’t want to miss out, the FOMO part of me, is worried. Am I missing out on a cool experience? Will it make me happier? Should I spend time with people?

The reality is that I am tired and don’t feel like hanging out with anyone. In another sense, though, I do want to do something. So what do I do with myself? How do I know which voice I should listen to? Which voice is the right voice? Is there a right voice? I don’t know. Maybe some of the spiritual experts out there can lend me a helping hand.

Eckhart Tolle would say that it doesn’t matter what the decision is but how I decide it, whether I make the decision in a state of presence. I struggle with this because I want to believe that how I live my life each day does matter. And, maybe it still does in this line of thinking…just in a different way than I normally approach life. So today, I am restless.

I asked my boyfriend to help me with this and help me to re-frame the present moment. He suggested that I accepted that today is a lazy day and allow good things to flow from that. He suggested that we say this is a lazy day, not good or bad, but a reality. I should allow a myriad of events to flow from this moment. I am fighting against the moment and against reality. I need to accept the present moment as reality. I chose not to go and that wasn’t a good or bad thing. It was just a decision that made sense in the moment. The feeling of loss is created in the mind and is not a truth. The mind perceives a loss, but there is a chance that going would have exhausted me or been socially difficult. In any case, in the present moment, I made a decision based on the present moment, which was my only option. I made the best decision for me in that moment.

Now, we go onward. Tonight, we are going to make pizza or some other food and invite my friend over for dinner. Tomorrow, we are going to wake up early and take the dog we are watching on a big walk in the mountains. Then, we are going to make snacks and have folks over for the Oscars. I think it sounds like a nice plan and it feels good.

The goal for the rest of the day is to stay present. Bless up, folks and see you soon as I am extending this goal for a total of 50 days of #My500Words. Wooo! That’s a wrap day 31 and part 1 of my goal!

Day 21: What is a Meaningful Career?

My 500 Words, Professional

I have become a pretty avid listener of Eckhart Tolle. He has some great advice that resonates with me, so perhaps it will resonate with you.

  1. Start with where you are. Accept the moment.
  2. Surrender. TRULY surrender to presence. Be present in every moment.
  3. Do one thing at a time at work, bringing in the possibility for space, whether it is a breath or meditation.
  4. Be grateful for the opportunity to be bored and the opportunity to practice presence.
  5. Do this and it might bring a greater sense of aliveness.
  6. Align yourself with the moment and power begins to flow through you.
  7. First the power flows into your routine activities, your relationships with colleagues, and often then change may come.

 

I love this! I have found this to always be true in my life, change has come after I have accepted exactly where I am, what I am doing, who I am loving, etc. Resistance feels like the winner’s decision, like you are telling the universe that you are better than the moment. In any case, you are making a value judgement on the moment, but the moment just is! You can’t argue with being! But, we try, and, heavens knows, I try, too!

I have done this with every job and have found that it stifles progress in my job, creativity, relationships, and just personal happiness, honestly. I cannot help but recall when I was 22 and working as a waitress. I was living with my parents after college, working at a bar/restaurant, and plotting for the future. My oh my, so much future plotting! After almost 9 months of obsessive planning and feeling trapped– the horror! Alas, I started to read more, to settle into my life, and to trust that it wasn’t forever but it was right now. I started to worry less, have more fun, build stronger relationships. I was lighter, albeit still dreaming and hoping but with excitement instead of panic.

Then, one day, right out of what seemed like the blue, a job I had applied to sent an email asking if anyone could be in Europe by Monday…as an intern had backed out of an amazing travel job opportunity. Without panic or worry, I responded that I could. The next day, we scheduled a job interview and I was on a plane the next morning. It was crazy and unexpected, but totally natural. I had aligned with my power and with the moment. Change flowed naturally through me and around me.

It was a life changing job for me, but it, too, had an expiration date. I have been trying to tap into this force of change since it happened, often without success. After the travel job, I was lost. I had lost my presence and my power. I had lost my way and found a lot of sadness had found its way into my heart and mind, originating both from the external and internal forces of life.

I will share more ways that I have found re-alignment with myself next time, but what I can share that is the theme is that the work is constant. Like losing weight, you don’t lose 30 pounds and then go back to your old ways without gaining the weight back. You don’t align yourself with presence and the power of the moment for one moment and then never again. It really is a constant practice, and practicing this more and solidifying better habits that root me to the now is my goal for 2019.

Day 18: Pizza and Ponders

My 500 Words

Last night, I ate a lot of terrible pizza and cheesy bread. Pizza, even when bad, it’s good. This was kind of like that. My man and I came home from a fun, little evening out and decided we had just enough of the giggle juice to order some pizza from a place we didn’t know. The pizza was awful. It was a gigantic culinary defeat, even to two drunk people about to fall asleep. That being said, we still ate the entire thing, not a single crust left over. Needless to say, we woke up wondering whyyyyy. Alas, the past is in the past, and the only option is to move forward.

Despite my terrible late-night dinner, too many sugary drinks, and white, salty bread pulsing through my veins, I found a lot of joy in my Sunday. It was a day like any other, except I laughed more. So, that is good. We went to Ikea and bought some new furniture, which was exhausting, But, due to man friend’s hangry feels, we were able to go to a vegan restaurant in a cool Denver neighborhood that I like. We ate lots of vegan food that made me happy and him hungry an hour later.

I am only writing about this because I am feeling tapped on writing inspiration for the moment. I don’t really want to write. I want to post this, close my computer, grab a snack, and watch something funny. That is all. But, I made a commitment to write 500 words of anything at all…doesn’t have to be good or interesting. So, sometimes I must resort to writing about writing.

One fun thing that happened today also was that I had a dance party by myself and broke down into a laughing fit that turned to tears. If I had let myself, I would have just started balling sad tears…without having a true catalyst. I think my laughing was a release and things got so released that I was opening all emotional floodgates. I stopped it so as not to terrify my boyfriend, but it was odd nonetheless. I think I was just dancing and being so silly that I cracked myself up…literally…I might be insane. Oh well, I love a good laugh. I prefer to do it with friends, but if I must do it alone, so be it. And now, just less than 100 words until evening freedom!

I am trying to be more in the present, with the help of spiritual leaders like Eckhart Tolle. Maybe that is why I found such joy in goofy dancing. Maybe that is what the moment can feel like. Maybe I was dealing with the dizziness of joy. I am not sure, but I do know that in less than 40 words, I will be moving on and having completed this day. I love Eckhart’s focus on separating yourself from your mind. Really powerful stuff. You do feel more in control when a thought it a thought and a thought is not YOU!

I am done for the day! Yay! Peace out friends and take good care.