Shame on you, not-knower!

Professional

I have toiled with the idea of becoming a professional of just about every field I have been exposed to. I hear about something cool and spend way too much time writing my story in the future…as a preparation for future interviews or documentary films 😉 about my great success.

My boyfriend and I were discussing today how we can get these stories in our minds that frame our experience. We can be told once that we aren’t organized enough, and then live our entire lives thinking we are not as organized as we should be, regardless of our level of organization. I was told when I was young that I could never have a regular job. I was told I wouldn’t be able to deal with office cultures or climbing the ladder. I would take personality tests that told me I might never fit into the world professionally. I had been internally and externally reinforcing the idea that me and work did not mesh, and we never would. I never thought to question this either. In actuality, I can work in any setting if I decide to, and I am able to fit into the professional world as well as the next guy or gal. I haven’t always known that, but it is true. And, it is crazy how much of my life I spent thinking that I couldn’t. Perhaps, it would be better to re-frame CAN and say ENJOY or WANT or even BE SATISFIED. But, I digress.

Maybe I want to be a UX designer or a bank manager, or maybe I really really don’t. Maybe I want to learn French and become a French teacher or a cooking teacher or a professional financial LEACH! Maybe…but probably not.

The truth is I don’t know. I have been so ashamed to admit that I don’t know that I have created a million narratives and worked really hard to believe them. I have primarily done this out of shame. I either took on the shame myself or allowed someone else to shame me for not having it all figured out yet. Well, you know what? I have NO CLUE, but I don’t want to feel shame surrounding it. It just makes it worse.

 

 

 

A Simple Salad and A Feral Cook

cooking

Adam and I decided to cook dinner together last night, which is something we just don’t do enough. We usually have a lot of fun and eat much healthier and more intentionally when we eat at home. I bought the cookbook Love and Lemons this weekend, so that inspired us to change our ways.

Now, I have to be honest; I am not exactly an accomplished chef or even a comfortable cook. I am deeply insecure in the kitchen. I know it is ridiculous. I know that cooking is fun and there are no rules. But, there are rules and you know it. Furthermore, sometimes people are dicks, and I have met and talked to many of these people. So, my issue is that I like to cook. I like to be in my kitchen alone with the freedom to do the wrong thing and the ability to improvise without having to explain myself. I like this creativity. What I don’t like is cooking alongside someone that learned to cook some kind of way from someone that knew…because that wasn’t me. I am like a feral animal let loose with a hot plate and some bruised vegetables, and I like it that way.

All of this is to say that my boyfriend and I had a kitchen clash. The old inferiority complex of the past reared its ugly head while we both worked away, him making a lovely salad and me heating 2 portabella mushrooms on a skillet. It culminated in an argument, some sorry saying (on my part), a conversation, and luckily some nice tasting food.

What I learned from this experience was that I can be a nut about silly things and that freaking out because you drop food on the floor is just NOT a good look. I also learned that the salad that Adam made was so lovely and so simple! A new favorite!

Ingredients:

  • Feta
  • Tomatoes
  • Avocado
  • Cucumber

No dressing needed- just dice it up and toss the ingredients together. A lovely simple side salad! I forgot to take a photo, and it has been consumed already! Sorry I am not sorry!

Will be sharing more cooking adventures as I seek to get over my crisis of confidence in the kitchen!

 

 

Day 19: Why are we so afraid to try new things?

My 500 Words

As I set out to write my day 19 post, I was wondering why so many of us are afraid of trying new things. So, to set things off, I just googled this very question to see what came up. Psychology Today claimed spot number 1 on google. According to this blog post, studies show that people fear outcomes that are uncertain more than they fear outcomes that they know will be bad. The unknown of a new situation is what we fear. Trying something new can cause us to grow and to change, and change is never easy. I wonder if what we feel when we try something new is the loss of an old self, the pain of transition, and the fear of an unknown, uncertain future. This doesn’t seem to go through our minds at the time, but I personally enjoy the poetic possibility.

Today, I decided to cook up some sweet potatoes on the stove along with cauliflower florets just to have some veggies at hand for meals this week. I was filled with SO many concerns and fears. I think about doing this sample kind of task all of the time, and I overthink it every time, usually abandoning the effort altogether. I have never been super comfortable in the kitchen. When I cook with someone else that fancies themselves a good cook, the experience elicits a lot of negative feelings. In my experience, someone sees how I am cutting a vegetable, holding my hand, or doing something else that a more experienced cook wouldn’t do, and I am shamed. I can honestly blame others for a lot of this. If I am going to burn something, let me burn it! Especially if you aren’t eating it and no one and no structure is going to get hurt in the process! More times than I like to admit, I have let situations that cause me to shrink away from a fuller, bigger, better life. I think many of us have.

Alas, in this case, I did decide to cook up the food I wanted to cook. I was alone, and it was really enjoyable. I loved it in all honesty. If I hadn’t been alone or if I thought someone else might eat it, I might not have done it. How sad is that! The food tasted really good to me, and I felt proud that I made enough food for the week and that it was food that I wanted to eat, regardless of whether someone else wanted to eat it. Sometimes I find it hard to focus on me, as I have mentioned in previous posts.

Lately, though, I have been working hard to prioritize myself and my wants. I don’t answer the phone if I am doing something I care about, and I don’t stop everything I am doing to nurture a relationship that might not do the same for me. I am also on week 6 of a workout program, and I haven’t missed a day! So, I am not perfect at this point, but I am getting better. And my sweet potato magic of this evening is just one more drop in the bucket!