Day 44: Vata Whata?

My 500 Words

I took an Ayurveda quiz on the internet recently and found the results to be true…maybe? Or, maybe those quizzes are BS? Or, maybe Ayurveda is BS…Hard to say, hard to know. So, don’t take my word for it. Anyway, it basically says I am Vata in my mind and mostly Vata in my body. I know so little about this, though, that I am not sure if I am writing it grammatically correct in a sentence or if it should be capitalized. So, I beg your forgiveness in that regard.

So, from what I understand, a Dosha is an energy, and everyone is composed of a Dosha or a combination of Doshas. There are 3: Vata Dosha, Pitta Dosha, and Kapha Dosha. Your type can be determined by many things including preferences. Vata types, for example, prefer warmer temperatures to colder temperatures.

This is what Mindbodygreen.com has to say on the Vata:

Vata Predominant Types: Creative; Quick to learn and grasp new knowledge, but also quick to forget, Slender; Tall and a fast-walker; Tendency toward cold hands and feet, discomfort in cold climates; Excitable, lively, fun personality; Changeable moods; Irregular daily routine; High energy in short bursts; Tendency to tire easily and to overexert; Full of joy and enthusiasm when in balance; Responds to stress with fear, worry, and anxiety, especially when out of balance; Tendency to act on impulse; Often have racing, disjointed thoughts; Generally have dry skin and dry hair and don’t perspire much.

So, some of these feel kind of random to me. But, I would say that this is a fairly accurate, albeit general, description of me. From there, they recommend that you should base your nutrition and such on the recommendations associated with this type. I don’t know. Maybe I should try that? I am a vegetarian and have been for 11 years. That seems to work pretty well for me. I am moderately healthy and try to keep slim and nutritious. I like to work out but am not fanatical. I suppose a lot of this is related to my Vata Dosha…maybe.

In any case….Vata or whatta….positive is the path. The path for me is positive. My path is positive. I’m positive about my path. I’m positively positive about my path. My mom and I had a chat in the car tonight about weightloss and feelings surrounding our bodies. We talked about how nothing positive comes from negative thoughts. Positivity breeds positive results. So, pertaining to all things in life, I am going to be positive, annoyingly positive.

70 more words! Why does it feel like 700 more! I am trying to find a way to talk with my mom about things while I finish this post. Today has been crazy. I am so tired. I will persist. Joy joy joy. Be positive. Never sacrifice your joy. My new problem is how to bring as much joy to my own life and the lives of those I love. That is my goal!

Day 43: A More Graceful Passion

My 500 Words

I am not feeling much inspiration to write today. I think when I get to the 50 day mark, I will change my schedule to 5 days/ week or perhaps just allow myself some time off. Maybe I need a goal with the writing. I enjoy it because it helps me think things through. I have always thought best through my fingers or a pen…it clarifies the chaos inside and puts it into a format that I can manage.

Spirituality has been a theme of my life lately, a mostly interesting and inspiring place to spend mental energy. But, I do find myself equally into the spirituality and skeptical of allowing it into my life. I am a spiritual person, and I want to be connected to both the earth and universal energy. However, I don’t want to go so deep that I can’t see the trees in the forest. I want to pray and meditate and practice presence, but I just want to be myself while I do that. Contemplating who I am and which voices are which in my head is EXHAUSTING! And, not all that important.

I think, for me, the most important thing is to know that I am part of the energy that is everyone and everything. I am part of the father, the son, and the holy spirit…the inner being, the source, and the mind. There are so many ways to describe the things we have always known in so many religions for so long. These spiritual beliefs can be beautiful, and they can also be corrupted. They can be radicalized, and they can be exploited.

My goal is to be a spiritual person in the most boring sense of the word. I just want to live, to experience the beautiful and magical world that we live in and to give thanks. My spiritual practice is to be grateful and to be present. I don’t want to overthink the magic. I want to accept it and trust in it, as I always have. But, mostly, I want to have fun and feel alive and safe. I want to have roots, wings, adventure, and safety. I want it all. I plan to live a life of delight and love and laughter. I want to experience the world in presence and joy and understanding. I want to show compassion and care, without sacrificing my joy or dreaming.

I am seeking a life of abundance, and I am finding it…But, I cannot think too deeply or too much anymore. It tires me. Instead, I am trusting, knowing, and living each day and each moment. Career-wise, I often feel like a square peg in a round hole and, at times, defensive about it. I am in changing my mindset to finding something that aligns with me, not with the world. I am finding my way into a passion that looks like Grace, a passion that looks like me, talks like me, and makes me feel more like me.

Day 42: Seeking Truth

My 500 Words

Today I was thinking about a conversation I had with a random date like 3 years ago. It was pretty clear that we weren’t going to be a thing, but we were friendly and enjoying each other’s company. We just weren’t a good match, and we knew it. But, we sat in a very swanky bar with great cocktails and jazz talking about ourselves and our past. It was freeing in the way that talking to strangers can be. I talked about myself and my passions and how I felt both lost and hopeful. He perked up and said, “you are on a quest, seeking something great for yourself!” I laughed, slightly embarrassed, and nodded. “Yeah. I guess I am. But, I might never get it and I know that. It might not exist. So, I am trying to try without being obsessed.” He laughed as though he understood. And, then the topic changed.

I believe that was the last we ever hung out, but I do still think of that conversation we had, hoping that it is true…that his vision of me as a noble seeker on a quest to find passion and purpose is real…that I may have something to bring to the world and to life. In reality, I think we all do. I like to think we all have something we can bring into this world…something that makes us and those around us better. At least, I would like to believe this. And, because I think it is mostly helpful and positive, I will likely continue to think this.

What does it mean to be a seeker? Does it mean that you are never satisfied? Does it mean that you are never arrived? Is it that every time you get to one trail’s end a new one that you didn’t even know existed stretches out before you? If this is true, it seems like perhaps we are all seekers, whether we want to be or not.

My boyfriend and I have been discussing the sad reality that money can’t actually buy happiness lately and how many of the people we looked up to were very unfulfilled and unhappy after achieving what they set out to do, their happiness plan. We lamented that happiness couldn’t be purchased, facetiously, and reminded ourselves that, cheese aside, it is really the journey and the enjoyment of the process that means everything, is everything. All we have is the present moment. Why is this so hard to remember?

We can get so caught up in seeking the next great thing or a gigantic vision of our lives that may or may not materialize, and we can so easily forget that all we have is now and the journey is more important than the destination. It almost angers me that I feel like a cheese curd when I reiterate these ideas because they are so important. It is truth, and as a seeker, that is what I am after. Why, then, is it so damn hard to accept?

Day 41: Just as I am

My 500 Words

Today has me thinking a lot about motivation, ambition, friendships, and the ever present wonder if I will find my life’s purpose. No pressure…just find your passion, fix your relationships, examine the fulfillment of your daily life, and whether you actually like living in a cold mountain town (mostly cold). Just figure it out, OK?

I spent an hour talking on the phone to a friend last night, a great friend. She is a friend that I cherish and value more than most. Yet, I was exhausted by our conversation because I was exhausted. I don’t want to live out my social life over the phone, and this causes a conflict internally. I wanted to move to a new town to start fresh, but I haven’t yet. I haven’t created any new relationships, although I have strengthened some that faded due to distance previously. Now, though, I am finding the LDR with pals to be tiring. I don’t want to live my life through my computer or my phone. I want to be present…as in “in person”, here, there. You get it.

Does this make me a bad friend? Does it mean I just need a break? It might mean that I am just not being replenished by many of these relationships currently. Or, it might just mean that I am in transition. If I am transition, that is okay. I am okay with that. They might not be, but I am. I am ready for something new, and if that means shattering limiting beliefs that my friends and family share, that is okay. It also might just mean I need to pull away temporarily. Also OK. It is all OK.

I am in the process of paving a new path for myself, like many new paths I have paved in the past. This is just the current one. I have been here before, and it has always been OK, if not great. Sometimes, letting go of certain beliefs about yourself involves distancing yourself from people close to you. Distance can aid in the allowance of change and growth. It feels in so many ways that I am clearing all interests, wiping the slate clean. I don’t know what will come from it, but I am trying to trust the process. I am in the process of wiping the passion plate clean, and I am trusting the moment and the process until a new path makes itself clear.

I have, perhaps, wanted a passion and a career so bad that I have set my hopes too high and simultaneously encountered great resistance. I am working on and in the process of releasing this need and switching it to a want. I don’t need this to be happy. I am already happy. I don’t need this to be fulfilled. I am already fulfilled. I am worthy and capable and am so excited if it is coming. If it not coming, I am OK with this moment exactly as it is. I am happy and perhaps not sure if I need a change at all. I am happy in this moment. I have purpose, joy, fun, laughter, money, and abundance. I am happy exactly as I am in this moment.

Day 40: Juuuuust Breatheeeeee

My 500 Words

Today I was introduced to the term “resonant breathing” because I joined a yoga challenge. The yoga challenge sent an email reminding us that it is the first day of the challenge and included an advertisement for a breathing app and a blurb about resonant breathing. It was cool to learn about resonant breathing, and give it a name. I have always just referred to it as “deep breathing,” but I like that it has a name and a clear definition.

Resonant breathing is the slowing of breath to 3-7 breaths per minute and effectively changing and regulating the autonomic nervous system, along with other systems of the body. People who do this regularly are opening themselves up to a host of potential benefits, from the brain to the heart to the lungs. As I read the article this morning, I took a few resonant breaths and felt really good afterwards. It was a brilliant start to the day and even helped me to move my tired tush out of bed.

Today, I completed by first day of a 21-day yoga challenge with Wanderlust. I found an issue cropping up that I noticed during a recent meditation. My jaw was just aching…so much so that I found much of the flow hard to follow. How could I focus on breathing while also tending to the crazy stiff and sore feeling in my jaw?!

Now, I am no stranger to jaw pain. I had TMJ as a child that was so bad I wouldn’t be able to open my mouth to chew or speak. I would slide crackers in at lunch in 8th grade and let them dissolve. It was bizarre. Then, I made the big girl move at 18 years young to bite the bullet and get jaw surgery… a surgery where they would break my jaw, re-align it, and then tack it back on with some hardware. The pain during that procedure, the procedure that included a cute little wiring up of my BRACES. That is right. I elected to get braces as an 18 year old to put my jaw issues behind me.

Naturally, when my jaw hurts, I get slightly panicked and worry that I am going to have to replay my old experiences or something somehow worse. The memories of slurping pediasure through a straw while crying are enough to last a lifetime. So, I took to the web and found what was clearly the culprit and thank god! I have been lifting weight regularly for the past 2 weeks and working out. This includes a lot of strain on my neck, something I internally complain about frequently throughout my workout. Bless. My neck is just tight. This is a big deal. Don’t get me wrong, but PHEW! I can stretch and love my neck back to health and (hopefully) eliminate my jaw pain. STAY TUNED for updates on this super sexy and super interesting part of my life. Perhaps this yoga challenge will help get me started on a more holistic stretching/yogic routine. Namaste.

Day 39: From Anxious to Aligned

My 500 Words

Today has been a strange day, but it isn’t one I can complain about. I woke up and had a slow morning, followed by a lot of thinking about the spiritual domain and trying to connect to it with meditation or alignment. To be honest, I find it exhausting listening to this stuff. I found myself feeling more anxious during and after listening to all of this chatter meant to elevate. I was tired.

I wonder if it is possible to overthink or overdue this stuff. I think I need to learn less and meditate/align more. I am overdosing on knowledge and perspective, but I am not in the practice. The overtly spiritual aspect is not so appealing to me. I like the idea of energy and vibration. That works for me, but I don’t care (right now) to get too deep in the weeds. I want to learn how to control my mind better and to manifest my desire, but I don’t want to get too stuck in the craziness. My obsessive mind can sometimes make the worst of those situations. I want to think less, not more.

This is something that can be accomplished. I just want to be present. When I am in the present moment, the benefits are palpable. All sensual aspects of my life are better when I am just there, not there thinking and analyzing. I am not sure why I think I am helping anything by analyzing it to death. Presence is key.

I did finally get my hands on a paperback copy of Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth.” I plan to keep it around to keep me present and wanted a paper copy so that I could highlight and note as I wanted. I think it will be a positive thing! I have been listening to Oprah and Eckhart talk about the book, so I look forward to the chance to read it for myself. Hopefully it doesn’t cause my nice man-friend to think me a crazy person…or at least a crazier person than he already thinks I am! Too bad!

But, one great thing that happened to me today was that I found a ski jacket for a great price online! I have been hemming and hawing about it for weeks, and I finally pulled the trigger! I am excited to get it and, assuming it works well, get a chance to ski in it… It will be fun to layer up without bringing along a puffy coat and a rain jacket combination. Great things happening over here!

In the week coming up, I will be saying ciao to my honey for the weekend and a different kind of ciao to my mother, who will be in town visiting me. That means lots of driving around, playing host, and getting to experience some new things myself! I would like to get down to see “Garden of the Gods” and Colorado Springs. So, hopefully my madre and myself can have a little fun and experience some new things together.

Until then, stay present and stay positive! XO

Day 38: Supersonic Man

My 500 Words

It is day 38! And, it 10:00 PM and I almost forgot to post today. What a tragedy that would have been. Luckily, I remembered with enough gas in the tank to post today.

My day was emotional and brilliant, ending with a very exhausted me. My man-friend and I awoke at approximately 5am and drove through crazy busy traffic to go skiing in the beautiful Rocky Mountains. Two hours into our drive, we had a bit of a row, despite listening to an audio book about transcending the issues of the mind and ego. Maybe it needs some time to set in? Either way, sleepiness and an understandable hatred of a traffic and poor driving conditions made for a stressful and long drive. But, once we were set and ready to get skiing, the problems of the morning quickly faded away.

We had a great day out on the slopes. As a beginner, I was pretty nervous to get started after a long break the past few months. Getting out there again was exhilarating. What I was doing was basic, but it felt good! I thought a lot about mindfulness today and enjoyed the opportunity to practice being fully in the moment…or to not practice and it just happen out of necessity. It does leave you feeling happier and more alive.

By the time we made it home, we were absolutely knackered. We slept, ran some errands, watched “Bohemian Rhapsody”, and now we are watching GBBS while I write this damn thing! Ah very hard to fit this task into a full day. It won’t be a good post or a post about anything other than the fact that I have to write this post. But I am doing it! And, I am well over half-way. Crushing it.

I noticed during my day skiing that I often talk to myself when alone and skiing…especially during difficult parts. I tell myself that I am “crushing it” or that I should “enjoy it” or that I am “brilliant.” Hilarious but helpful. I am just out there cheering myself on. How lovely. Much preferred to seeking perfection or acceptance from others. I am accepting myself as I am, where I am…and it is frick’n awesome. Good work, mate.

I have realized today that I can work better to accept my life as purposeful and passionate. People in my life might feel like they need to placate me with fun or activity in order to satisfy my lust for new experiences or time-fillers in the worst case. Perhaps I can be high maintenance to others, and I can take greater responsibility for my own happiness in this regard. Only I am responsible for my joy and how I find purpose in this life. I think that I can make this more obvious to those around me and even take greater hold of this aspect of my life.

I seek to live in a world where I have a purposeful daily life, brimming with joy, laughter, and activity. In truth, I already have this and can accept it as mine right now and every day. How lucky!

Day 37: Walking into Transcendence

My 500 Words

I am doing well today. I wasn’t always doing well, but I just got home from a great walk, a way that allowed me and my boyfriend to transcend. What is transcendence? Transcendence is, according to dictionary.com, existence or experience beyond the normal or physical level. So, how did my walk allow me to transcend. Great question.

My boyfriend was in an agitated state, and I wanted to take a walk (actually I always want to take a walk). So, we went together to work through his upset. It worked, but, as usual, not the way one might expect. As we walked and talked, he asked me an important question, “Am I always angry?”. Now, I am a smart lady. I wasn’t about to start an argument, so I told him that he is often affected in a way that is negative by life events that he cannot control or avoid. He thought for a while, and then we continued on talking and walking.

As we both talked about our blocks and better ways to manage anger, we found ourselves walking right into a higher state of consciousness. We started talking about how when we change our perspective, we can be separate from our angst about a situation and how changing our mindsets can actually change our life. I talked about my job and how I can often talk myself into being happy, and he noted the same. If we give up our attachment to life working out in the way we think it should, we can often gain a great deal and live happier lives. Not so easily done, but also not often said. So, that was really great.

We ended the walk with honest talks about how we want to approach our future. It was freeing in a lot of ways. I often feel like he is ready to put down roots while I am searching for a new pair of wings on the internet. We are alike in so many ways, but while he craves structure and finality, I like open-ended and undefined. Often, I am, by appearances, avoiding a topic of conversation, when in reality it is just totally not on my radar! I guess it is good to be opposites in some ways.

He keeps me grounded to the facts, and I push him to leave the door open for possibility. I don’t know if I actually do this, but it sounds so nice and dreamy! I wish all of life could be put into a little box, like a cute sentence, and it would describe its amazing complexity. Wait a second…no I don’t! Life is complex and sometimes overwhelming, but holy crap, it can be so amazing and exciting if we can stay open to its wonders.

Maybe I can’t sum up a relationship or the universe into a sweet tagline, but I don’t want to. Maybe I will keep trying or maybe I will give up. What I do know is that good things are on the horizon, and I can’t wait to see what they are!

Day 35: Why do I look outside?

My 500 Words

Why do I look outside when everything I need is within? Why do I want someone else to validate my idea before I commit? Why? Is this human? Is this normal? Is this madness?

Potentially yes to all of these questions.

An important lesson that I keep having to learn over and over again is that nothing is, or more importantly, has to be permanent. Life can be playful. Life can be fun! You can go in one direction because it feels good only to change your mind and turn around. There are no rules. There is just energy and love.

I am more playful and powerful than I can even imagine. My ability to play, explore, discover, and innovate is expansive and limitless. Like, holy guacamole…if I want to become a UX designer or a fashion designer or a frick’n rug maker, I can! AND, if I decide that at some point I want to stop…I can do that to. The limits of our lives are only limited by us.

On a different but similar note, however, maybe the point is that the more aligned we are with our true nature when we choose our path, the more spiritual success, fulfillment, and impact we can make. That…I believe to be the truth. How do we find our truest nature from which to make decisions?

We play! We try things on and out. Like children, we don’t yet know but it doesn’t matter. We are ourselves…the other stuff is a mask. We can try on any mask we want because who we are remains steadfast. If and when we find something that resonates in us, we can try that to. We can probably find our paths in a myriad of ways, but why not dance and play into it? If given the choice, I would almost always rather dance and play than obsess and suffer. And, just like that I found a new mantra.

Life Mantra:

I play into each day, finding what feels good and true and following it through.

I don’t know if I have had a mantra, per se, but I like having a saying that fits the moment of my life. For example, when I was leaving my job and totally unsure about what to do, I started to recite, “trust the process” to myself. It was meaningful and got me through some tougher days.

So today, I play every day…and I follow my interests…and I follow them through. This is the 30 year old me coming into action. I think getting older is going to be a great thing for me. As a younger Grace, I was filled with all of the same energy, hope, and dreams but didn’t have the follow through yet. I am getting stronger in this field every day, and, when I focus, I accomplish great feats. And, I will continue to. I can’t wait to see what I can do with my playful spirit as I grow in follow-through. Lookout world 🙂

Big waves 🌊

Day 34: Fresh & Alive

My 500 Words

Today is day 34. What a day it has been.  I have been listening to Eckhart Tolle and Oprah discuss presence and the importance of staying in the moment. And, I have been. It hasn’t taken my “bad” day away, but it has helped in ways I suppose. I am dog sitting and finding myself so frustrated with the dog. In any case, I realized that what I was feeling was just frustrated. And, the dog happened to be near me all day. I was projecting everything onto the poor, innocent albeit needy doggo. Luckily, I didn’t let this overtake TOO much of my day, but it got enough of it. I took the doggo on a walk, and it didn’t make everything better but it tired me out. Being tired is sometimes as good as it gets. And, that is pretty okay too!

Today I am going to examine what it is that I want in a career. Not in the way that I normally do. This time, I am going to examine how I want to feel in that career. I don’t know what I am doing honestly, but it might be fun to give this a little baby try.

I want to feel awake in my career. I wake up in the morning and know my soul is going to be aglow all day. I feel enraptured…like a pastry chef….like a surfer. I feel at ease but excited; I breathe. You could say that I am alert. I can go into a flow without being interrupted. I am myself.

Alas, this thought process led me into a nap, which was perhaps far more of what I needed at that moment than to figure out what I want to as a career for the rest of my life. It is crazy how we think we need to know everything. One thing my nap taught me is that my bad mood probably had a lot to do with the lack of sleep I received last night. It taught me that everything is perfect right now, and it taught me that naps are cool if you allow them. That is one thing I never dive into on the blog…allowing. Allowing is important. I wonder if I “allow” in my life. I sometimes have a hard time napping because my mind is racing, but when I relax and allow, I can nap with the best of them.

Allowing. It is a new concept in this new world of thinking that I have entered. It is one that I understand in some ways, and in others, I am totally confused. Sometimes, when I try to manifest certain things, I want to retain too much control, or the illusion of it. When I allow, I let things unfold in new and infinitely more interesting ways. Maybe allowing and letting go are similar. I am letting go of having a say in how something happens…I allow it to unfold in a way I never imagined possible.

Allow today, mates!