This might be it.

Professional

At times, life feels devoid of purpose…a purpose-less life. I have heard people who recover from various life crisis, such as quitting a corporate job or selling a business, call it a purpose problem. A purpose problem seems to be there when you are crazy successful and you lose your way. Then, your story can turn into a tale of changing gears and being successful at something new. What about those of us that feel like we never have found purpose? What about people like me that usually feel like their days are boring and bland and that there isn’t much they can do about? Where are the podcasts and the inspirational books and seminars for those people? Have they not been made or created because no one who has “made it” can understand that line of thinking?

I have been studying and pursuing a more mindful and present approach to life. Perhaps I need to practice what I have been reading about in this regard. Perhaps I need to accept that I may not have a purpose on this earth. Perhaps, I am actually like floating accidental-like on a breeze. It is possible that I have no innate or unique talents in this life or on this plane. This might just be as good as it gets for me. Can I learn to be okay with that?

Now maybe this way of thinking will open up new avenues for me…avenues I hadn’t thought of or allowed myself to explore. But, maybe…just maybe… I am meant to do exactly what I am doing in this moment. And it doesn’t matter what I think about it or wish I had. This right here….this might be it. Perhaps I need to accept that this…is my fate.

Often times, when I have received a stroke a good luck, it is after I have given up its possibility or inevitability. Maybe this is what will happen. Or, maybe it won’t. I might have to be okay with that. I am not completely there yet. That is where I am at. And, that is okay. Everyday, I will try to remember that exactly where I am is perfect, regardless of whether this currently reality changes in any way. I am right where I am meant to be…even in my confusion. This is it. This is life. Accept it.

Day 42: Seeking Truth

My 500 Words

Today I was thinking about a conversation I had with a random date like 3 years ago. It was pretty clear that we weren’t going to be a thing, but we were friendly and enjoying each other’s company. We just weren’t a good match, and we knew it. But, we sat in a very swanky bar with great cocktails and jazz talking about ourselves and our past. It was freeing in the way that talking to strangers can be. I talked about myself and my passions and how I felt both lost and hopeful. He perked up and said, “you are on a quest, seeking something great for yourself!” I laughed, slightly embarrassed, and nodded. “Yeah. I guess I am. But, I might never get it and I know that. It might not exist. So, I am trying to try without being obsessed.” He laughed as though he understood. And, then the topic changed.

I believe that was the last we ever hung out, but I do still think of that conversation we had, hoping that it is true…that his vision of me as a noble seeker on a quest to find passion and purpose is real…that I may have something to bring to the world and to life. In reality, I think we all do. I like to think we all have something we can bring into this world…something that makes us and those around us better. At least, I would like to believe this. And, because I think it is mostly helpful and positive, I will likely continue to think this.

What does it mean to be a seeker? Does it mean that you are never satisfied? Does it mean that you are never arrived? Is it that every time you get to one trail’s end a new one that you didn’t even know existed stretches out before you? If this is true, it seems like perhaps we are all seekers, whether we want to be or not.

My boyfriend and I have been discussing the sad reality that money can’t actually buy happiness lately and how many of the people we looked up to were very unfulfilled and unhappy after achieving what they set out to do, their happiness plan. We lamented that happiness couldn’t be purchased, facetiously, and reminded ourselves that, cheese aside, it is really the journey and the enjoyment of the process that means everything, is everything. All we have is the present moment. Why is this so hard to remember?

We can get so caught up in seeking the next great thing or a gigantic vision of our lives that may or may not materialize, and we can so easily forget that all we have is now and the journey is more important than the destination. It almost angers me that I feel like a cheese curd when I reiterate these ideas because they are so important. It is truth, and as a seeker, that is what I am after. Why, then, is it so damn hard to accept?

Day 37: Walking into Transcendence

My 500 Words

I am doing well today. I wasn’t always doing well, but I just got home from a great walk, a way that allowed me and my boyfriend to transcend. What is transcendence? Transcendence is, according to dictionary.com, existence or experience beyond the normal or physical level. So, how did my walk allow me to transcend. Great question.

My boyfriend was in an agitated state, and I wanted to take a walk (actually I always want to take a walk). So, we went together to work through his upset. It worked, but, as usual, not the way one might expect. As we walked and talked, he asked me an important question, “Am I always angry?”. Now, I am a smart lady. I wasn’t about to start an argument, so I told him that he is often affected in a way that is negative by life events that he cannot control or avoid. He thought for a while, and then we continued on talking and walking.

As we both talked about our blocks and better ways to manage anger, we found ourselves walking right into a higher state of consciousness. We started talking about how when we change our perspective, we can be separate from our angst about a situation and how changing our mindsets can actually change our life. I talked about my job and how I can often talk myself into being happy, and he noted the same. If we give up our attachment to life working out in the way we think it should, we can often gain a great deal and live happier lives. Not so easily done, but also not often said. So, that was really great.

We ended the walk with honest talks about how we want to approach our future. It was freeing in a lot of ways. I often feel like he is ready to put down roots while I am searching for a new pair of wings on the internet. We are alike in so many ways, but while he craves structure and finality, I like open-ended and undefined. Often, I am, by appearances, avoiding a topic of conversation, when in reality it is just totally not on my radar! I guess it is good to be opposites in some ways.

He keeps me grounded to the facts, and I push him to leave the door open for possibility. I don’t know if I actually do this, but it sounds so nice and dreamy! I wish all of life could be put into a little box, like a cute sentence, and it would describe its amazing complexity. Wait a second…no I don’t! Life is complex and sometimes overwhelming, but holy crap, it can be so amazing and exciting if we can stay open to its wonders.

Maybe I can’t sum up a relationship or the universe into a sweet tagline, but I don’t want to. Maybe I will keep trying or maybe I will give up. What I do know is that good things are on the horizon, and I can’t wait to see what they are!

Day 34: Fresh & Alive

My 500 Words

Today is day 34. What a day it has been.  I have been listening to Eckhart Tolle and Oprah discuss presence and the importance of staying in the moment. And, I have been. It hasn’t taken my “bad” day away, but it has helped in ways I suppose. I am dog sitting and finding myself so frustrated with the dog. In any case, I realized that what I was feeling was just frustrated. And, the dog happened to be near me all day. I was projecting everything onto the poor, innocent albeit needy doggo. Luckily, I didn’t let this overtake TOO much of my day, but it got enough of it. I took the doggo on a walk, and it didn’t make everything better but it tired me out. Being tired is sometimes as good as it gets. And, that is pretty okay too!

Today I am going to examine what it is that I want in a career. Not in the way that I normally do. This time, I am going to examine how I want to feel in that career. I don’t know what I am doing honestly, but it might be fun to give this a little baby try.

I want to feel awake in my career. I wake up in the morning and know my soul is going to be aglow all day. I feel enraptured…like a pastry chef….like a surfer. I feel at ease but excited; I breathe. You could say that I am alert. I can go into a flow without being interrupted. I am myself.

Alas, this thought process led me into a nap, which was perhaps far more of what I needed at that moment than to figure out what I want to as a career for the rest of my life. It is crazy how we think we need to know everything. One thing my nap taught me is that my bad mood probably had a lot to do with the lack of sleep I received last night. It taught me that everything is perfect right now, and it taught me that naps are cool if you allow them. That is one thing I never dive into on the blog…allowing. Allowing is important. I wonder if I “allow” in my life. I sometimes have a hard time napping because my mind is racing, but when I relax and allow, I can nap with the best of them.

Allowing. It is a new concept in this new world of thinking that I have entered. It is one that I understand in some ways, and in others, I am totally confused. Sometimes, when I try to manifest certain things, I want to retain too much control, or the illusion of it. When I allow, I let things unfold in new and infinitely more interesting ways. Maybe allowing and letting go are similar. I am letting go of having a say in how something happens…I allow it to unfold in a way I never imagined possible.

Allow today, mates!

Day 33: Peace & Stillness> Desperation

My 500 Words

Each day that I write, I find myself negating something that I wrote the previous day. That isn’t that cool! But, I find myself here today. So, a few posts ago, I said I was going to manifest pink elephants or a yellow Volkswagen. I was trying to manipulate the universe into telling me a secret about myself…instead of asking and trusting myself. The truth is, I did see pink elephants today on a pair of pajama pants, but I don’t care. The truth is that I would like to have more creativity and explore more creative outlets. This doesn’t necessarily mean that my job has to be creative. When did I start equating my job with my sole source of happiness? Oh, right. When I was like 9 years old, haha. This has been a bit of a struggle for me for many years.

So, for now…I am going to stay in my job or at least make no active pursuits to change my job until I explore my creative side in my regular life for a while first. Or maybe not. That might be a promise I can’t make and that I don’t mean. Maybe what I will do is stop worrying about everything and putting a label or a name on it. Maybe…I will not even do that. Maybe, I will just be, as I am right now without trying. How tough is this presence stuff, huh?! I feel like I should always be striving, trying, and working towards something. But, that can just lead me around in circles. That is not the life I want.

The life I want is big, beautiful and inspired. I can go in one direction and change my mind. I can do multiple things at once and take big, fun risks and exjoy the peace and quite of certainty in the moment. I do not have to accept a future I do not want, but I do have the accept the moment, the only thing that matters…the present moment. Why is that so hard to do? The mind is wired to think about the future, based on the past. It is so good, but it can also be so bad. It can leave us spinning around in the what-ifs and the what-could-haves. I need to let those go. Or, rather, I need to get back to the moment, which lets those go naturally. All we have is now. The beautiful now.

I don’t want to wonder if things are where they should be. There is no should be. There is only now. Maybe at 29, I should be somewhere else according to the mind. But, according to the present, I am exactly where I was meant to be. All good things flow from this moment. In fact, everything flows from this moment, period. I don’t want to brand. I just want to be. I don’t want to market. I just want to flow. Flow. Flow. Flow. Like the river, sometimes fast and sometimes slow, occasionally high and occasionally low. Always in flow ❤ .

Day 25: Anotha Day Anotha Dollarr

My 500 Words

Yesterday, I was challenged regarding a few of my goals. It was 9:00 PM and I hadn’t done my blog post or my workout for the day. I have completed 6 weeks of my workout, without skipping, and have also completed 25 days (as of today) of blogging 500 words every day. I was not going to let one day of procrastination stop me. I could have let it slide. I could have not done either one. Instead, I did them both… not my best…but not my worst. AND, I did it. I didn’t abandon my goal because it became difficult. Proud! I am happy about it, and it made me feel better instantly.

I have been doing a lot of listening and thinking about accessing the inner voice. And, it has been an interesting exercise for me. It has, however, made writing harder. It has made it harder to find a blog topic on anything else because I am thinking so much about this. I think it is making me better, though, and more aware. I like that.

I asked my inner voice questions last night and had an interesting experience surrounding it. I found the mind resisting my accessing this part of me and the ensuing panic. After a moment of accepting the panic, I felt a deeper knowing in my soul..in my heart. I knew the answer to this particular question was a “no”. It is an answer that I already knew but I find my mind resisting, maybe to help protect me from the world’s possibilities. My mind wants to keep me on my toes to protect me, but it doesn’t need to. It is OK as it is. I am OK and can trust myself, despite the messages from the world. I can’t control this. I can only accept it inside and trust.

In addition to personal questions I had, I feel a greater peace surrounding my work and my career. I can do whatever I want, but I don’t need to do anything. I can seek out experiences in life, but I do not have to be so attached to outcomes. The ego wants success and accolades. The inner spirit wants acceptance, experience, and even fun. I plan to dive deeper into this voice and try to ignore my scared mind, trying so hard to protect me. The podcast I have been listening to refers to the mind as a protective parent of an adult child, well meaning but sometimes unnecessary. The mind can help with decisions and options, just like the protective parent, but the ultimate decision ought to lie with the adult child. Like the adult child, I have to find ways to navigate my life without yearning for the approval of others or the approval of society. I am successful in this moment because I am. Nothing else is needed. If I do something else because I want to, that is great, but it will not make me greater or less than I already am in this moment. And, that is a beautiful and wonderful reality to live in.

Tootles!