Day 42: Seeking Truth

My 500 Words

Today I was thinking about a conversation I had with a random date like 3 years ago. It was pretty clear that we weren’t going to be a thing, but we were friendly and enjoying each other’s company. We just weren’t a good match, and we knew it. But, we sat in a very swanky bar with great cocktails and jazz talking about ourselves and our past. It was freeing in the way that talking to strangers can be. I talked about myself and my passions and how I felt both lost and hopeful. He perked up and said, “you are on a quest, seeking something great for yourself!” I laughed, slightly embarrassed, and nodded. “Yeah. I guess I am. But, I might never get it and I know that. It might not exist. So, I am trying to try without being obsessed.” He laughed as though he understood. And, then the topic changed.

I believe that was the last we ever hung out, but I do still think of that conversation we had, hoping that it is true…that his vision of me as a noble seeker on a quest to find passion and purpose is real…that I may have something to bring to the world and to life. In reality, I think we all do. I like to think we all have something we can bring into this world…something that makes us and those around us better. At least, I would like to believe this. And, because I think it is mostly helpful and positive, I will likely continue to think this.

What does it mean to be a seeker? Does it mean that you are never satisfied? Does it mean that you are never arrived? Is it that every time you get to one trail’s end a new one that you didn’t even know existed stretches out before you? If this is true, it seems like perhaps we are all seekers, whether we want to be or not.

My boyfriend and I have been discussing the sad reality that money can’t actually buy happiness lately and how many of the people we looked up to were very unfulfilled and unhappy after achieving what they set out to do, their happiness plan. We lamented that happiness couldn’t be purchased, facetiously, and reminded ourselves that, cheese aside, it is really the journey and the enjoyment of the process that means everything, is everything. All we have is the present moment. Why is this so hard to remember?

We can get so caught up in seeking the next great thing or a gigantic vision of our lives that may or may not materialize, and we can so easily forget that all we have is now and the journey is more important than the destination. It almost angers me that I feel like a cheese curd when I reiterate these ideas because they are so important. It is truth, and as a seeker, that is what I am after. Why, then, is it so damn hard to accept?

Day 41: Just as I am

My 500 Words

Today has me thinking a lot about motivation, ambition, friendships, and the ever present wonder if I will find my life’s purpose. No pressure…just find your passion, fix your relationships, examine the fulfillment of your daily life, and whether you actually like living in a cold mountain town (mostly cold). Just figure it out, OK?

I spent an hour talking on the phone to a friend last night, a great friend. She is a friend that I cherish and value more than most. Yet, I was exhausted by our conversation because I was exhausted. I don’t want to live out my social life over the phone, and this causes a conflict internally. I wanted to move to a new town to start fresh, but I haven’t yet. I haven’t created any new relationships, although I have strengthened some that faded due to distance previously. Now, though, I am finding the LDR with pals to be tiring. I don’t want to live my life through my computer or my phone. I want to be present…as in “in person”, here, there. You get it.

Does this make me a bad friend? Does it mean I just need a break? It might mean that I am just not being replenished by many of these relationships currently. Or, it might just mean that I am in transition. If I am transition, that is okay. I am okay with that. They might not be, but I am. I am ready for something new, and if that means shattering limiting beliefs that my friends and family share, that is okay. It also might just mean I need to pull away temporarily. Also OK. It is all OK.

I am in the process of paving a new path for myself, like many new paths I have paved in the past. This is just the current one. I have been here before, and it has always been OK, if not great. Sometimes, letting go of certain beliefs about yourself involves distancing yourself from people close to you. Distance can aid in the allowance of change and growth. It feels in so many ways that I am clearing all interests, wiping the slate clean. I don’t know what will come from it, but I am trying to trust the process. I am in the process of wiping the passion plate clean, and I am trusting the moment and the process until a new path makes itself clear.

I have, perhaps, wanted a passion and a career so bad that I have set my hopes too high and simultaneously encountered great resistance. I am working on and in the process of releasing this need and switching it to a want. I don’t need this to be happy. I am already happy. I don’t need this to be fulfilled. I am already fulfilled. I am worthy and capable and am so excited if it is coming. If it not coming, I am OK with this moment exactly as it is. I am happy and perhaps not sure if I need a change at all. I am happy in this moment. I have purpose, joy, fun, laughter, money, and abundance. I am happy exactly as I am in this moment.

Day 40: Juuuuust Breatheeeeee

My 500 Words

Today I was introduced to the term “resonant breathing” because I joined a yoga challenge. The yoga challenge sent an email reminding us that it is the first day of the challenge and included an advertisement for a breathing app and a blurb about resonant breathing. It was cool to learn about resonant breathing, and give it a name. I have always just referred to it as “deep breathing,” but I like that it has a name and a clear definition.

Resonant breathing is the slowing of breath to 3-7 breaths per minute and effectively changing and regulating the autonomic nervous system, along with other systems of the body. People who do this regularly are opening themselves up to a host of potential benefits, from the brain to the heart to the lungs. As I read the article this morning, I took a few resonant breaths and felt really good afterwards. It was a brilliant start to the day and even helped me to move my tired tush out of bed.

Today, I completed by first day of a 21-day yoga challenge with Wanderlust. I found an issue cropping up that I noticed during a recent meditation. My jaw was just aching…so much so that I found much of the flow hard to follow. How could I focus on breathing while also tending to the crazy stiff and sore feeling in my jaw?!

Now, I am no stranger to jaw pain. I had TMJ as a child that was so bad I wouldn’t be able to open my mouth to chew or speak. I would slide crackers in at lunch in 8th grade and let them dissolve. It was bizarre. Then, I made the big girl move at 18 years young to bite the bullet and get jaw surgery… a surgery where they would break my jaw, re-align it, and then tack it back on with some hardware. The pain during that procedure, the procedure that included a cute little wiring up of my BRACES. That is right. I elected to get braces as an 18 year old to put my jaw issues behind me.

Naturally, when my jaw hurts, I get slightly panicked and worry that I am going to have to replay my old experiences or something somehow worse. The memories of slurping pediasure through a straw while crying are enough to last a lifetime. So, I took to the web and found what was clearly the culprit and thank god! I have been lifting weight regularly for the past 2 weeks and working out. This includes a lot of strain on my neck, something I internally complain about frequently throughout my workout. Bless. My neck is just tight. This is a big deal. Don’t get me wrong, but PHEW! I can stretch and love my neck back to health and (hopefully) eliminate my jaw pain. STAY TUNED for updates on this super sexy and super interesting part of my life. Perhaps this yoga challenge will help get me started on a more holistic stretching/yogic routine. Namaste.

Day 39: From Anxious to Aligned

My 500 Words

Today has been a strange day, but it isn’t one I can complain about. I woke up and had a slow morning, followed by a lot of thinking about the spiritual domain and trying to connect to it with meditation or alignment. To be honest, I find it exhausting listening to this stuff. I found myself feeling more anxious during and after listening to all of this chatter meant to elevate. I was tired.

I wonder if it is possible to overthink or overdue this stuff. I think I need to learn less and meditate/align more. I am overdosing on knowledge and perspective, but I am not in the practice. The overtly spiritual aspect is not so appealing to me. I like the idea of energy and vibration. That works for me, but I don’t care (right now) to get too deep in the weeds. I want to learn how to control my mind better and to manifest my desire, but I don’t want to get too stuck in the craziness. My obsessive mind can sometimes make the worst of those situations. I want to think less, not more.

This is something that can be accomplished. I just want to be present. When I am in the present moment, the benefits are palpable. All sensual aspects of my life are better when I am just there, not there thinking and analyzing. I am not sure why I think I am helping anything by analyzing it to death. Presence is key.

I did finally get my hands on a paperback copy of Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth.” I plan to keep it around to keep me present and wanted a paper copy so that I could highlight and note as I wanted. I think it will be a positive thing! I have been listening to Oprah and Eckhart talk about the book, so I look forward to the chance to read it for myself. Hopefully it doesn’t cause my nice man-friend to think me a crazy person…or at least a crazier person than he already thinks I am! Too bad!

But, one great thing that happened to me today was that I found a ski jacket for a great price online! I have been hemming and hawing about it for weeks, and I finally pulled the trigger! I am excited to get it and, assuming it works well, get a chance to ski in it… It will be fun to layer up without bringing along a puffy coat and a rain jacket combination. Great things happening over here!

In the week coming up, I will be saying ciao to my honey for the weekend and a different kind of ciao to my mother, who will be in town visiting me. That means lots of driving around, playing host, and getting to experience some new things myself! I would like to get down to see “Garden of the Gods” and Colorado Springs. So, hopefully my madre and myself can have a little fun and experience some new things together.

Until then, stay present and stay positive! XO

Day 38: Supersonic Man

My 500 Words

It is day 38! And, it 10:00 PM and I almost forgot to post today. What a tragedy that would have been. Luckily, I remembered with enough gas in the tank to post today.

My day was emotional and brilliant, ending with a very exhausted me. My man-friend and I awoke at approximately 5am and drove through crazy busy traffic to go skiing in the beautiful Rocky Mountains. Two hours into our drive, we had a bit of a row, despite listening to an audio book about transcending the issues of the mind and ego. Maybe it needs some time to set in? Either way, sleepiness and an understandable hatred of a traffic and poor driving conditions made for a stressful and long drive. But, once we were set and ready to get skiing, the problems of the morning quickly faded away.

We had a great day out on the slopes. As a beginner, I was pretty nervous to get started after a long break the past few months. Getting out there again was exhilarating. What I was doing was basic, but it felt good! I thought a lot about mindfulness today and enjoyed the opportunity to practice being fully in the moment…or to not practice and it just happen out of necessity. It does leave you feeling happier and more alive.

By the time we made it home, we were absolutely knackered. We slept, ran some errands, watched “Bohemian Rhapsody”, and now we are watching GBBS while I write this damn thing! Ah very hard to fit this task into a full day. It won’t be a good post or a post about anything other than the fact that I have to write this post. But I am doing it! And, I am well over half-way. Crushing it.

I noticed during my day skiing that I often talk to myself when alone and skiing…especially during difficult parts. I tell myself that I am “crushing it” or that I should “enjoy it” or that I am “brilliant.” Hilarious but helpful. I am just out there cheering myself on. How lovely. Much preferred to seeking perfection or acceptance from others. I am accepting myself as I am, where I am…and it is frick’n awesome. Good work, mate.

I have realized today that I can work better to accept my life as purposeful and passionate. People in my life might feel like they need to placate me with fun or activity in order to satisfy my lust for new experiences or time-fillers in the worst case. Perhaps I can be high maintenance to others, and I can take greater responsibility for my own happiness in this regard. Only I am responsible for my joy and how I find purpose in this life. I think that I can make this more obvious to those around me and even take greater hold of this aspect of my life.

I seek to live in a world where I have a purposeful daily life, brimming with joy, laughter, and activity. In truth, I already have this and can accept it as mine right now and every day. How lucky!

Day 37: Walking into Transcendence

My 500 Words

I am doing well today. I wasn’t always doing well, but I just got home from a great walk, a way that allowed me and my boyfriend to transcend. What is transcendence? Transcendence is, according to dictionary.com, existence or experience beyond the normal or physical level. So, how did my walk allow me to transcend. Great question.

My boyfriend was in an agitated state, and I wanted to take a walk (actually I always want to take a walk). So, we went together to work through his upset. It worked, but, as usual, not the way one might expect. As we walked and talked, he asked me an important question, “Am I always angry?”. Now, I am a smart lady. I wasn’t about to start an argument, so I told him that he is often affected in a way that is negative by life events that he cannot control or avoid. He thought for a while, and then we continued on talking and walking.

As we both talked about our blocks and better ways to manage anger, we found ourselves walking right into a higher state of consciousness. We started talking about how when we change our perspective, we can be separate from our angst about a situation and how changing our mindsets can actually change our life. I talked about my job and how I can often talk myself into being happy, and he noted the same. If we give up our attachment to life working out in the way we think it should, we can often gain a great deal and live happier lives. Not so easily done, but also not often said. So, that was really great.

We ended the walk with honest talks about how we want to approach our future. It was freeing in a lot of ways. I often feel like he is ready to put down roots while I am searching for a new pair of wings on the internet. We are alike in so many ways, but while he craves structure and finality, I like open-ended and undefined. Often, I am, by appearances, avoiding a topic of conversation, when in reality it is just totally not on my radar! I guess it is good to be opposites in some ways.

He keeps me grounded to the facts, and I push him to leave the door open for possibility. I don’t know if I actually do this, but it sounds so nice and dreamy! I wish all of life could be put into a little box, like a cute sentence, and it would describe its amazing complexity. Wait a second…no I don’t! Life is complex and sometimes overwhelming, but holy crap, it can be so amazing and exciting if we can stay open to its wonders.

Maybe I can’t sum up a relationship or the universe into a sweet tagline, but I don’t want to. Maybe I will keep trying or maybe I will give up. What I do know is that good things are on the horizon, and I can’t wait to see what they are!